Big Girl Panties

I interrupt my normal blogging content in order to get a rant off my chest. The last few weeks, ok, months, have been long and frustrating. As the final straw, I got a flat tire yesterday morning on the way to get a haircut which was overdue for a month (my hair is still way too long and my hairdresser went on vacation, so I’m going to look this way for another week. Trust me, it is NOT pretty. I look like Beethoven. The composer, not the dog.) Because of all this, I am cranky, curmudgeonly, and just plain out of patience, so I am going to indulge myself in a rant. If you are easily offended, or do not wish to see this side of me, may I suggest you stop reading now? For those of you brave enough (or foolish enough 🙂 ) to continue reading, thank you for indulging me. Also, if you read this and wonder if it is addressed to you, please do not ask me. This is based on an amalgam of behaviors I have seen over a long period of time and is addressed to no one in particular. But by all means, if you think it applies, you might want to stop and think what you’d like to do about that. One last note, I am not claiming to be perfect, I do more than my fair share of stupid stuff when I post, but this is my blog and I’m allowed to rant here. Continue Reading

Holy Water by Big and Rich

February 22, 2015 4 comments

I was listening to an OLD playlist on Itunes that I haven’t listened to in quite some time, and a song I had forgotten about popped up. It’s an incredibly powerful and moving song about healing from sexual abuse and rape, one that meant a great deal to me when I was in a very dark passage in my healing. It helped me remember that there is power,  light and love that is untouched by evil, that will always outshine the darkest of deeds. I needed to be reminded of that my last session, so honestly, I don’t think it’s an accident I ran across this song again right now. I thought I would share it in case it resonated with anyone else. I hope it speaks to you if it’s something you need to hear.

Quick Update

February 19, 2015 18 comments

Hi All,
He’s doing very well, but my husband went into Afib this morning and ended up having a cardio revert done in the emergency room. Looks like he’s coming home, but for obvious reasons it will take a day or two to catch up on comments!

Ann and Judy, thanks for responding to Saba!

Update on the Update: Mr. AG (I loved that ancoraimparomyself so I am shamelessly stealing it! I have proudly carried his name all these years, so I’m sure he’d be glad to return the favor. 😀 ) is home and doing very well. His heart stayed in sinus rhythm and after keeping him a few more hours to make sure everything was stable, he was released from the emergency room and sent home. He’s getting better at catching when it’s going on, which is really helpful because he’s getting medical attention sooner, which makes the treatment a little less invasive. I am still disappointed that the medical professionals will not actually allow me to use the paddles and shock him though. 😀 (You know I joke, I am very happy to have him home safe and sound!) Now we’re sitting in the middle of five feet of snow with more coming down and it’s a balmy 0 degrees fahrenheit (-18 Celcius). And this is what my back deck looks like:


Not having to go through this back and forth to the hospital is a blessing! Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts and support!

Categories: Uncategorized

A Re-enactment or How Transference is a B**** Part II

February 18, 2015 21 comments

This is the second part of a two part series, part one can be found here.

So I showed for the next session, prepared to tackle the topic again. After telling him quite emphatically that I did not want him to answer me, I told him how the question of whether he found me attractive can press on me. I shared some things that came out of my discussion on the forum, which is that I am struggling to accept my body and my sexuality, so I think I crave affirmation from him, because if he can accept my body and even find me attractive, then I somehow become acceptable. Which isn’t remotely true, although it can feel very powerful. It is my own acceptance that is important. Besides, I wouldn’t believe him anyway until I come to terms. I then expressed that I also thought that part of the dynamic was that a father is ideally supposed to affirm his daughter’s attractiveness while keeping her safe by in no way acting on it. Basically, I’m looking at BN and asking “Daddy, am I pretty?” But the truth is, I got neither of those things from my father. Neither affirmation or safety. Continue Reading

A Re-enactment or How Transference is a B**** Part I

February 17, 2015 31 comments

Greetings gentle readers,
I’m back from vacation, which was quite refreshing. I have not been blogging for several reasons: work was a bit busy (I am the technical documentation department so nothing gets done while I’m gone), I was catching up on my correspondence (which, alas, is still not complete) and my return to therapy was a bit rough. Note: I started writing this about two weeks back then got hit by an ubervirus that morphed into bronchitis and kicked off my asthma. I am now on enough steroids to lift a building after the second visit to my doctor and slowly trying to recover a normal energy level. And we have about four feet of snow and -1 degree weather. I am NOT a big fan of February. Continue Reading

(Belated) Happy New Year!

January 2, 2015 15 comments

Greetings Gentle Readers,

I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year and hope that the coming year is filled with peace, healing and self-discovery! I am presently on vacation and will have no internet access from January 4th – January 14th. I wanted to post a quick update. My husband is doing really well, the ablation seems to have really helped regulate his heart. We literally went to his cardiologist on the way out of town, who cleared him to go on vacation. I am very grateful that he is out of danger. Continue Reading

Quick Update

December 13, 2014 17 comments

Thank you all for the comments on my last post, the The Ache of Longing and Loss. I have read all of them and so appreciate the thoughtful feedback and outpouring of support. But once again, my life is interfering with my ability to respond.

He is doing fine now, but my husband is in the hospital. He was not feeling well yesterday and we ended up going to his cardiologist (whom I adore and deeply trust). He took one look at his EKG and sent us off to the hospital. My husband has a history of arrhythmia and atrial fibrillation and looked to be having an episode. Since my husband was slightly over the 24 hour mark, which is when your chance of forming a blood clot goes way up, he wanted to do a cardio revert right away. Turned out my husband needed an internal echocardiogram first to ensure that no clots had already formed. Not sure how he pulled it off but my cardiologist managed to pull some strings (he teaches at this hospital and is very well respected) and we went straight into the lab. When the echo came back clear, then decided to perform the cardio revert right away since he was already sedated. His heart reverted to normal rhythm and his blood pressure and pulse rate decreased back down to normal levels. He was admitted to the Cardiovascular Care Unit for observation overnight. The doctor on call at the hospital came in to talk to us this morning and said that this episode was actually a heart flutter rather than afib, and recommended that my husband have an ablation on Monday which hopefully will prevent the flutter from happening again. His cardiologist agreed with the treatment so we decided to go ahead. It’s normally a two hour out patient procedure so it’s not too invasive and the risk is lower for this type of ablation then the one done for afib. SO… my husband is doing well and is getting excellent care.

In general I am holding up well, especially when I’m around people, but must confess to feeling a bit drained. Because of Monday’s session some of my more childlike feelings are floating closer to the surface and at times I just want to collapse in a heap and have someone take care of me, instead of being calm and strong for my husband and children. And then I feel guilty, because, after all, he’s the one having heart problems and sitting in a hospital bed. So its a struggle making sure I am taking care of myself while trying to make sure my husband is taken care of and manage the feelings of being overwhelmed coming from memories of what it was like as a child. I did call BN last night and it helped to connect to him. Now if I could just convince him to follow me around for a few days… 😀

Be back when I can! (I really need to write a macro for that phrase!)

Categories: break, hiatus

The Ache of Longing and Loss

December 10, 2014 52 comments

Greetings gentle readers,
I know my posting has been rather scant lately. I have been doing some really intense work in therapy and sometimes when I am in the midst of deep work, it can be hard to speak of it. I also think unconsciously, I may be attempting to “contain” the energy so that it stays in therapy. Writing about it can almost spring a leak in the therapeutic vessel. But tonight I feel so drained and bereft that I need to make some connection. I am hoping that talking about my session today will help. Continue Reading

Happy Thanksgiving!

November 27, 2014 4 comments

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my readers in the US! I am thankful for all of you (the world over, not just the people celebrating Thanksgiving today!), for being willing to spend time reading what I write, and supporting me on my healing journey. I wish you many things for which to be grateful in your own lives!


love, AG

Categories: gratitude Tags:

Book Review: How We Heal and Grow

October 27, 2014 18 comments

I have been following Dr. Jeffery Smith’s blog, Moments of Change for some time now and was very honored when he asked to send me a pre-publication copy of his new book, How We Heal and Grow: The Power of Facing Your Feelings for review. I have long been a fan of his lucid, clear writing and his gift for so clearly explaining the often mysterious and elusive interplay of therapy. This book has proved to be no exception to that rule.

If you read only one book about healing this year, or even this decade, let it be How We Heal and Grow. The book is well written and easy to read, with clear prose and carefully delineated arguments. Continue Reading