I am a long term therapy client who has learned a lot along the way, from a lot of sources, the most important of which was a really superb therapist I affectionately call the Boundary Ninja. (H/T to Strummergirl for the name!) This blog is a place for me to share the insights and knowledge I have gathered on my healing journey. Which leads me to the required disclaimer. Attachment theory was key to my healing and I approach most things therapeutic through an attachment lens. This is quite clearly NOT the only modality available for psychotherapy, nor is it the approach that will help everyone. I believe each person pursues a unique healing path, which unfolds for them and will never take quite the same route another person would. But sometimes we get within shouting distance of each other and being able to share about the stuff that is similar can help us steer more clearly and give us strength for the road. So take all this for what it is worth, one struggling, chaotic,  messy human being’s gleanings. And awesome quotes from a quintessential therapist.

  1. July 18, 2012 at 11:13 pm

    Thank you for your own generous offerings and insights! I look forward to reading more, and shower you with congratulations on a worthy journey.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. July 18, 2012 at 11:25 pm

    Thank you Gurus, I appreciate your kind words and look forward to getting to know you better. I so appreciate the encouragement.


  3. Me
    October 4, 2012 at 5:32 pm

    AG, you’re a fantastic writer and, I believe, a kind, thoughtful, insightful, and incredibly mature person, based on what I’ve read here beginning recently. I was reading one of your earliest posts, about insecure attachment and “why you think you’re crazy.” It’s just terrifically interesting and helpful. I feel like I could be you, to a certain extent, and I confess that I am a little freaked out by what you relate of BN, because he sounds exactly like my therapist, who is also a man. (I wish there were some non-intrusive way I could make sure we’re not seeing the same person, but I can’t imagine asking anything more specific that “do you live in the northern or the southern English-speaking country of North America”?) Maybe what BN is like just represents what a good–no, excellent–therapist does and says. I know I am very fortunate to have mine, though I feel very strange at how long my experience has gone on. Years. And I didn’t even experience abuse as a child, so I often feel as though all this long time is unwarranted and pathological in itself. Your discussions of attachment are helping clarify a lot of things about why I have the issues I do, though.

    I know you are going through some deep things now, but I haven’t been on your blog long enough to feel I can say anything personally supportive to you. Still, please know that I’m another person out here, appreciating what you give to us and wishing the very, very best for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • October 5, 2012 at 10:28 pm

      Hi Me,
      Welcome to my blog and thank you so much for commenting! Especially such kind words, I do so appreciate the encouragement. I am glad that you are experiencing with your therapist what I do with BN since I know how healing it is. I think therapists resemble families in the famous Tolstoy quote:

      Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

      To edit it just a bit. Good therapists are all alike; every bad therapist is bad in their own way. 🙂 But if you’re worried, email me at the address available on the main page and I’ll at least tell you the nearest large city and put your mind at ease. I am so glad that reading here is helping you make sense of your experiences. And thank you so much for your well wishes, please know you have the same from me for your healing journey. ~ AG


      • Me
        October 8, 2012 at 7:06 pm

        Dear AG, as you’ve probably seen, I did email you. But! I think I got my answer anyway. I read back in your blog a little further, and in one entry you mentioned the name of a city which is far to the east of me. 🙂 So, yes, Tolstoy was right, and we’re both lucky in our therapists, plural.

        All the best to you. And to the dear BNs everywhere—yours, mine, and other—who are holding the line and helping us out.


  4. October 9, 2012 at 11:35 am

    Sorry for the slow response times, I am working 12 hour days at work right now trying to get a release out, so I am woefully behind. 🙂 I am glad that you found the answer though and put your mind at ease. 🙂 Please know I also wish you the best and very much agree with you about all the dear BNs out there, they are a gift. I remember once BN remarking that it isn’t the life that you lead but how you give yourself to it and he said he was just an a therapist and no one significant and I interrupted him and said that if the only thing he had ever done was the difference he had made in my life then his had meaning. Someone who will come alongside of you to face this kind of pain and be there with you is utterly priceless, I am glad that you know what that is like. I’m looking forward to getting to know you better, I hope you’ll stick around. 🙂 ~ AG


  5. January 22, 2013 at 11:41 am

    Check out the latest post on my blog – thank you for all you do and for being the great person that you are! Much love to you. xx


    • January 22, 2013 at 12:34 pm

      ((Kashley)) Thanks so much. It is a joy to know you and I feel so privileged to be a part of your healing journey. You truly are amazing! much love back, AG


  6. Jade
    March 9, 2013 at 10:33 pm

    I learned about your blog in the “Limerence Experienced” group on tribe.net. I like your writing.


  7. March 13, 2013 at 10:04 am

    Hi Jade,
    Welcome to my blog and thank for commenting! Thank you for the kind words and taking the time to say so. The encouragement is deeply appreciated. ~AG
    PS Sorry for the delay in responding, I am working very long hours right now in my day job.


  8. Sunflower
    May 10, 2013 at 6:45 pm

    (I am reposting this comment because the above comment was accidentally posted TWICE NOW lol while linked to a blog address I wanted to delete, and which is now, I think, gone….)

    I just found your blog this morning while searching for writings on transference in therapy. Wow, do I feel as if I’ve discovered a gold mine here! I’ve read various posts by you over the last couple hours and it was inspirational enough for me to finally create my own account so that I could follow you here–and perhaps even keep a blog again, myself. It’s amazing how many similarities I’ve already discovered while reading your blog, and I look forward to reading much more from you. Thanks for being here. Very intelligently written and insightful blog.


    • May 12, 2013 at 5:33 pm

      Hi Sunflower,
      Welcome to my blog and thanks for commenting! First posts by new commenters go into moderation and hopefully I let the right one through (let me know if not and I can delete it). Thank you so much for your very kind words, its very encouraging for me to hear that what I write resonated so strongly with you. I am looking forward to getting to know you! ~ AG


      • Sunflower
        May 13, 2013 at 7:01 pm

        Hi there, AG. Thanks so much for the reply, and I do apologize for my many attempts at posting from the correct blog/profile. Perhaps I should examine in my analysis why it is that I’ve had such an unusually hard time figuring out how to use this blog. Approach/Avoidance, perhaps?? 🙂
        At last, I think I have truly figured out the basics here and am posting from the profile I intend to use. (Even the previous comment is from a now-deleted profile….)
        Again, I am so happy to have found your blog and will be looking forward to reading much more. And thank you again for inspiring me to seriously consider beginning my own here.


        • May 14, 2013 at 7:52 am

          No apology needed, I was actually flattered by your perseverance. 😀 (Learning curves are tough for everyone!) And I am delighted to hear that you are considering your own blog, I believe there is so much strength to be gained in our shared experiences. ~ AG


  9. Marijke
    June 14, 2013 at 8:24 am

    Hello Attachment Girl,

    I find what you write about erotic transference incredibly clarifying and/or confirming feelings I’ve been having about my T. From what you write about BN, my T. seems to be his female equivalent. I’m experiencing heavy maternal transference with her, and suffer at times in between sessions from intense longing to be with her. I recognize the dynamics of getting closer to growing when these feelings are very intense, as long as I stay focused on my own healing process, which the therapy is all about anyway. I find it incredibly difficult/shameful/embarrassing to talk to her about this, but when I get round to it, her reactions are always very accepting and non shaming. Which motivates me to continue to deepen my healing work and open up to her – and life – even more. It’s a slow process, but an immensely gratifying one, especially when I get some felt sense of really moving towards new and healing insights.
    Feelings between a client and a therapists are of a very unique kind, unlike any feelings we experience with anybody else in our lives. On the one hand, you get to go deep inside yourself, often towards a very immature, hurt and needy part of you and experience the most intense and raw feelings. On the other there is this very specific frame in time and space in which this happens, with someone who is – within that frame – solely dedicated to your healing, and you pay them for it. Who wouldn’t get confused?
    My feelings for my T. have little to do with who she is as a person. Of course, I get a sense of her personality when I’m with her, and what I see, I like. But I realize all too well that that is such a small part of who she really is. The transference in our relationship just brings up all this ancient material and that can be very destabilizing at times. Especially when the adult that I am today gets overwhelmed by pain that was experienced by the very young child I once was. But bringing it up makes it possible to heal the pain, to deal with it and to be aware of it as a – often negative – driving force in my existence.

    To all of you struggling with transference – maternal, erotic, or other – don’t despair. Try to see it for what it really is, talk to your therapist about it and use it to heal.

    I wish you all a lot of courage – god knows we need it sometimes!


  10. Natalya
    October 5, 2013 at 3:50 pm

    I’m a fan of the attachment theory in therapy too. My best therapist also made it clear to me I needed boundaries so I have worked since then on building them. Boundaries are super important!


    • October 6, 2013 at 3:37 am

      Hi Natalya,
      Welcome to my blog and thank you for commenting! You have my total agreement on the boundaries, they are very important. Took me a long time to understand them though, I wish you well in your building them. ~ AG


      • Natalya
        October 6, 2013 at 3:03 pm

        Thank you too 🙂


  11. November 3, 2014 at 3:07 pm

    Thank you for the follow! It was an extraordinary feeling to see your follow pop up in my comment feed as your blog was one of the first I came across in the early days of therapy that captured so precisely what I was feeling. Thank you for sharing your story, your process and your voice with us. It is a privilege to listen.


    • November 3, 2014 at 3:17 pm

      I ended up on your blog from reading Dr. Stein’s last post which was a reply to one of your posts and was shocked when I noticed I wasn’t already following you. 😀 I always appreciate your comments here and find your posts to be very worthwhile and thought provoking! As you said, it is a privilege to listen. xx AG

      Liked by 1 person

  12. January 3, 2015 at 12:30 pm

    Very helpful blog


  13. Alan
    June 2, 2015 at 1:07 pm

    I have read your blog on and off over the past year+. Really is invaluable your experiences and sharing the emotional and mental process you contend with dealing with Attachment Disorder.

    I just wanted to ask if you have ever heard of, or used/incorporated EFT Tapping or EMDR into your therapy? I know for a lot of people with similar issues/experiences, (myself one of them) these forms of therapy along with cognitive therapy really see, and feel shifts and healing. Just a thought.

    Thank you again. It is encouraging to see and read so many people in the same boat, rowing along!



    • July 17, 2015 at 10:23 pm

      My apologies for taking so long to get back to you. When you posted your comment, I was out of town on vacation and then my husband ended up in the hospital and I lost track and did not get back here to respond. I’m very glad that you are enjoying my blog and appreciate you taking the time to say so.

      I have heard of EMDR (don’t know if you’ve ever seen Robin Shapiro’s blog Trauma and Attachment? She’s an expert in trauma treatment, has written several text books on treatment and is a big fan of EMDR. I have never used in my work though. It’s not a technique that BN is trained in (that I know of at least). It sounds like it is something you’ve done and found helpful? I know alot of people who have. I appreciate you bringing it up.

      And I love that you feel encouraged and less alone from what people have shared here. It’s amazing how helpful it is to know you’re not alone in how you feel, isn’t it?



  14. mcheung
    July 11, 2015 at 9:03 am

    Dear AG,

    I found your blog while looking up stuff on transference and found your entry on erotic transference super, super helpful. I then proceeded to read several more entries (the one on disorganized attachment and going crazy leaps to mind) and have found them all to be helpful, insightful and funny. I will definitely be following you now that I know you’re out there.

    I’ve only been in therapy for about 8 months and feel like I have a pretty badass BN myself, so I really appreciate and identify with your comments about yours. Looking forward to journeying (quietly) alongside you. Who knows? Maybe I’ll start my own blog some day and journey less quietly too.

    Thanks for sharing so much of yourself here.


    • July 17, 2015 at 10:26 pm

      Welcome to my blog! Thank you for such kind words, it’s very encouraging for me. I’m so glad that you have found such a good therapist to heal with. And while you are welcome to remain quiet if you wish, please speak up when you’re ready or even start your own blog, We can all learn and be strengthened in our own journeys by other people sharing theirs. ~ AG


  15. TaamT
    April 13, 2018 at 8:44 am

    Hi, where do you live and what do you do for a living? I live in Ohio. Does BN take insurance? I don’t think my therapist is working out for me. How do you evaluate a therapist for right fit before investing a lot of time and money?

    I love reading through all your posts and also, how warm and respectful you are to readers’ comments.


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