Yes, I am still alive!
Greetings Gentle Readers,
Yes, I am still alive! This break stretched a bit longer than I expected. I was working very long hours right up until we left for vacation on October 23. We had a wonderful vacation, including a family reunion cruise that went incredibly well. So much so that everyone insisted on booking another one in March of 2017. This was a quite pleasant surprise, as we were not at all certain going in that everyone would enjoy it. And I had to laugh at myself because by the end of the trip, I realized that I was feeling much closer to everyone and much more up on what is going on in their lives, when it ruefully dawned on me, that IS the point of family reunions.
However, as is normal for me after long periods of prolonged stress, my immune system quietly folded up. 🙂 I had a cold through the first half of the vacation that by the time we got on the cruise, had become a case of bronchitis which in turn caused a flare up of asthma. And, rather embarrassing to relate, it turned out the emergency inhaler I had packed was empty. Not very useful. But it turns out that even going to the Doctor’s is better on a Disney cruise. They patched me up, gave me a number of medications, and the lovely head doctor, from Australia judging from his accent, even prescribed Tequila. I did my best to comply. 🙂 It was good enough to get me through and I really did enjoy the whole trip despite not always feeling 100% but by the time I got back, I REALLY needed to see my doctor.
I went into work Monday morning after we got back but ended up leaving early to go to the doctor’s. They prescribed another, longer run of antibiotics, lots more steroids and inhalers. Even with that I think it took the better part of almost two weeks to really start feeling better. In the meantime, the actual release date of the software has been dragging out. Our marketing department, which consisted of one woman, up and quit the week I got back, so all of her release work ended up split between several people, including me, so I have still been scrambling a bit at work, although only working a normal work week! And it’s a very long story but we’ve been getting new vehicles for both my husband and daughter, so there’s been a lot of juggling to get everyone to where they need to be. Not to mention two trips to the Department of Motor Vehicles, which is turning my daughter into an anti-government libertarian. 😀 This is the first car that she has owned in her own name and her first real encounter with bureaucracy. She got the most offended by the fact that she has to pay them in order to fulfill the ridiculous and onerous requirements they laid on her. I am kind of torn between laughing and sympathizing.
So I have been walking around for the last couple of weeks thinking “just one more day and I’ll have time to blog.” Then we ran into Thanksgiving, not to mention we’re going out of town this weekend to visit old friends, so it dawned on me that waiting for the perfect moment isn’t really working. 🙂 So I’m putting up this update to let everyone know that I am fine and still here, and then I’m going to start working on my backlog of comments and correspondence. I have really appreciated everyone’s patience.
And I will certainly have more to say on the topics in the future, but I am doing really well. I “ended” therapy. I put it in quotes, because really I just didn’t set up another session so it’s an indefinite break. But I’m taking it because at some unidentifiable point in the last six months all of the struggle, pain and learning coalesced and I am doing so much better. My emotional regulation is really good for the first time in my life and I finally understand that I am worthwhile and deserve care, including self-care. (If I’m completely honest, I think part of the reason for the long hiatus is that for the first time, I’m giving myself permission to do what I want just because I want to, and not being driven by “should” or fear of being abandoned because I’m not behaving right. So I am overcompensating and leaning a little more on the selfish side right now. But I get I’m making up for lost time. 🙂 ) But the strongest sign is that I finally, truly feel secure in the relationship with BN. The obsessional quality is gone from our relationship, but not because I have pushed him away or tried to act as if the relationship is not important. I love him very much and he’s very important to me. I will always, always be unspeakably grateful for his help in my healing. (I told him at our last session two weeks ago that if he was a composer, I’d be his magnum opus! 🙂 ).
I had brought up taking a break before vacation and told him I was going to think about it while I was away. At our last session, I told him I just feel ready to step away for a bit. Not sure how long, I’ll call if and when I need to. He was very comfortable about it. We spent the rest of the session talking about our work together. I started joking a bit, as I am prone to do when I’m feeling too emotional, and he very gently told me that it had been a long, hard road and it would be good to sit with it. He said a lot of very lovely things, although I think my favorite is that when I told him while I was very happy to feel healed enough to be ready to go, it was sad because I would miss him. He told me that he would miss me too. 😀 He’s never said that before and it was lovely to hear. Our goodbye, or more properly “see you later” was very warm and easy. I realized at some point during the session, and told BN, that what felt so different was that the decision was not driven by fear but rather a sense of fullness. I NEVER, EVER thought I would get here. I am so grateful that in the end all of that terrible pain and struggle was worth it.
There was a whole lot of work that went on over the past months that I haven’t had a chance to write about, so I’m hoping to get some posts up soon. (OK, soon in my universe, nor everyone else’s. 😀 It IS the holidays.) It’s good to be back!
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