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Be Gone for a Bit
Greetings Gentle Readers,
I know I have not been around much lately, but I’m going to be around even less for a bit. For starters I am heading into an extremely busy period at work. We have a very documentation intensive release going out the end of October and my only hope of making my deadlines is to start hitting it pretty hard now. I’ll be working longer hours and some weekends, so I am afraid I am not really going to have the time and energy for the blog right now.
I have also decided I just need to step away from the internet for a bit. It is still possible to email me at the address on my blog but I will not be answering any emails until after this release has gone out. I appreciate everyone’s patience and understanding.
For any readers from Psychcafe, I have also turned off my PM’s, so please don’t take it personally if you try to contact me and it bounces.
Take care, AG
Not quite the rest I was hoping for…
Greeting Gentle Readers,
I still have a number of comments to catch up on, but it’s been slow going. We got back about a week ago from a vacation, during which I had fully intended to get caught up,  that did not prove very restful or relaxing. A couple of days into the trip (before I flew down to join my husband and daughter), my van broke down and had to be towed to a dealership over 100 miles away (springing for the better AAA membership TOTALLY paid off). Turned out to be a bad alternator and a bad battery damaged by the alternator. They needed to order parts, so my husband and daughter left my van behind and continued southward in her car. She had driven separately as when we finished our vacation, she was off to a conference. Continue Reading
Freedom, A Cool Wind That Burns Your Face – Part I
Tiny Tom:I’m frightened!
Bobby:Â As well you should be. Freedom is scary. It’s a blast of cool wind that
burns your face to wake you up.
– Run, Freedom, Run from Urinetown the Musical
Greetings gentle readers,
Therapy has continued to be interesting. Sessions have been a little erratic lately, with one two-week break due to BN’s schedule and another two-week break due to me getting ill. The session at the end of the second week break was really good, although I was having mood swings for the next week. I went from feeling really optimistic then back to sad and weepy, then energized to feeling a bit lost. At times I would feel very connected with BN and at other times too distant. I think, in part, it’s becoming clear that I’m becoming more able to do without BN. It’s as if for the longest time I’ve been focusing on BN and now we’re shifting the focus back on me, where it should be. I think it feels like I’m losing him, even though I know that’s not true. Actually, I think it’s tied in with a breakthrough I made that session, but I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m going to rewind a bit. Continue Reading
Triggered or Freefall continued.
I am on a two-week break from BN (Almost done, I see him Friday). Our last session was spent discussing my recovering the existential free fall memory and was very helpful. I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on what came up and what it was like for me. It was a calm session, but a very intimate one as we discussed my feelings. I also managed more eye contact then I’ve probably done in the last five years put together. 🙂 Amazing what you see when you look. BN and I both recognized what a landmark this was and how hard we worked to get there. We also spent some time discussing my pattern (often unconscious, BN is pointing this out to help me become conscious of it) of being worried about my behavior and how he feels about it. He sees it as an attempt on my part to mold myself to the other person’s expectations so I will not be abandoned. We have been working on me accepting that I cannot control another person and what they do or if they choose to stay or leave me. Awful realization knowing you cannot control that which you are desperate to control. My safety lies in knowing I can survive whatever happens, but more importantly can trust someone to stay even when I’m being myself and not focusing only on their needs. We had a good laugh near the end of the session when I confessed, a bit embarrassed that I was afraid I was making too much eye contact. 🙂 BN was quick to point out what I was doing. Continue Reading
Quick Update
Thank you all for the comments on my last post, the The Ache of Longing and Loss. I have read all of them and so appreciate the thoughtful feedback and outpouring of support. But once again, my life is interfering with my ability to respond.
He is doing fine now, but my husband is in the hospital. He was not feeling well yesterday and we ended up going to his cardiologist (whom I adore and deeply trust). He took one look at his EKG and sent us off to the hospital. My husband has a history of arrhythmia and atrial fibrillation and looked to be having an episode. Since my husband was slightly over the 24 hour mark, which is when your chance of forming a blood clot goes way up, he wanted to do a cardio revert right away. Turned out my husband needed an internal echocardiogram first to ensure that no clots had already formed. Not sure how he pulled it off but my cardiologist managed to pull some strings (he teaches at this hospital and is very well respected) and we went straight into the lab. When the echo came back clear, then decided to perform the cardio revert right away since he was already sedated. His heart reverted to normal rhythm and his blood pressure and pulse rate decreased back down to normal levels. He was admitted to the Cardiovascular Care Unit for observation overnight. The doctor on call at the hospital came in to talk to us this morning and said that this episode was actually a heart flutter rather than afib, and recommended that my husband have an ablation on Monday which hopefully will prevent the flutter from happening again. His cardiologist agreed with the treatment so we decided to go ahead. It’s normally a two hour out patient procedure so it’s not too invasive and the risk is lower for this type of ablation then the one done for afib. SO… my husband is doing well and is getting excellent care.
In general I am holding up well, especially when I’m around people, but must confess to feeling a bit drained. Because of Monday’s session some of my more childlike feelings are floating closer to the surface and at times I just want to collapse in a heap and have someone take care of me, instead of being calm and strong for my husband and children. And then I feel guilty, because, after all, he’s the one having heart problems and sitting in a hospital bed. So its a struggle making sure I am taking care of myself while trying to make sure my husband is taken care of and manage the feelings of being overwhelmed coming from memories of what it was like as a child. I did call BN last night and it helped to connect to him. Now if I could just convince him to follow me around for a few days… 😀
Be back when I can! (I really need to write a macro for that phrase!)
Where Oh Where Can AG Be?
Greetings Gentle Readers,
Sorry for the prolonged absence, but the release (which actually still hasn’t gone out yet!!! AUGH!!) went down to the wire. I did my final turnover at 5:00 on Wednesday the 15th and then my husband and I left for a cruise at 5 AM the next morning. So I had very limited internet access from the 16th to the 24th. We had a lovely, relaxing time, but it’s been difficult going since we got home. I have been doing some intensive work around being present in my body (which it turns out is NOT a favorite activity of mine) and there is a tremendous amount of shame coming up as well as some very young memories being triggered. I hope to do some writing about it soon. In the meantime, it feels like I kind of just put everything on hold while I was away, but now that I’ve returned home I am feeling quite flooded. There’s a lot of shame and anxiety floating around and I have been feeling incredibly weepy but it’s not really connected with anything. On top of that, things have very much improved and settled down with the crises we’ve been dealing with and it feels like I may be collapsing now that I know it’s over, and I can. Which is the long way of saying that I am struggling with feeling very fragile, overwhelmed and ashamed. Continue reading
Yet another hiatus
Greetings Gentle Readers,
Sorry to disappear again; just popped in to make it official! 🙂 I am working very long days and at this point will probably not have another day off until Labor Day. We have a major release going out which is rather documentation intensive, so I am really having to focus on work to meet my deadline. I can tell I’m the critical path because my boss is answering my emails in two minutes or less no matter what the time of day. 🙂 So until early September there will more than likely not be any new posts. I also will not be answering any correspondence. I know several of you are already waiting on answers from me, and I appreciate your patience. If you do write, you’ll be in the queue and once I have the time and energy, I will start responding in the order I received the emails. So if you have written, or do write, and do not hear back right now, please be assured that you have not done anything wrong, nor am I in any way upset, I just don’t have the resources to respond right now. I miss you all, and am looking forward to being available again! Take care.
Tales of a Boundary Ninja 
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