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Freedom, A Cool Wind That Burns Your Face – Part II
Tiny Tom:I’m frightened!
Bobby: As well you should be. Freedom is scary. It’s a blast of cool wind that
burns your face to wake you up.
– Run, Freedom, Run from Urinetown the Musical
This is part II of a series. For the first part, see Freedom, A Cool Wind That Burns Your Face – Part I.
I walked in and sat and BN opened with “so you’re having a hard time?” (We tend to get straight to it. Any chitchat is done at the end of the session when setting up my next appointment). I told BN I was really activated and he asked why. So I basically did a dump of what I described in Part I. Near the end of my spew, I was saying how I just wanted BN to reassure me but he was in full-on therapist mode (I totally get the need for detachment but sometimes it just feels horrible 
). He was great, he just looked straight at me and as calmly as possible said “It’s all going to be ok.” I cracked up. Then he asked me an interesting question (he’s really good at asking very hard questions which seem SO obvious once he says them, but that I would never think to ask myself.) Continue Reading
Triggered or Freefall continued.
I am on a two-week break from BN (Almost done, I see him Friday). Our last session was spent discussing my recovering the existential free fall memory and was very helpful. I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on what came up and what it was like for me. It was a calm session, but a very intimate one as we discussed my feelings. I also managed more eye contact then I’ve probably done in the last five years put together. 🙂 Amazing what you see when you look. BN and I both recognized what a landmark this was and how hard we worked to get there. We also spent some time discussing my pattern (often unconscious, BN is pointing this out to help me become conscious of it) of being worried about my behavior and how he feels about it. He sees it as an attempt on my part to mold myself to the other person’s expectations so I will not be abandoned. We have been working on me accepting that I cannot control another person and what they do or if they choose to stay or leave me. Awful realization knowing you cannot control that which you are desperate to control. My safety lies in knowing I can survive whatever happens, but more importantly can trust someone to stay even when I’m being myself and not focusing only on their needs. We had a good laugh near the end of the session when I confessed, a bit embarrassed that I was afraid I was making too much eye contact. 🙂 BN was quick to point out what I was doing. Continue Reading
Existential Freefall – Part II
This is the second part of a two part series, for part I, see Existential Freefall – Part I
So in my last post, I explained the background and issues I was taking into my session last Friday (and then evidently, left people hanging off a cliff. 😀 ). So here’s the rest of the story. Continue Reading
Existential Freefall – Part I
I was going to name this post “Existential Freefall or What I’ve Been Trying to Remember for 20 years (Well, 50 Really)” but that seemed a bit unwieldy, even for me, so I went with the shorter version. 🙂 I had a major breakthrough in my session last Friday, so much so I think I will be processing it for quite a while. I was finally able to remember something that I have been trying to bring into consciousness for over twenty years. Now that I’ve remembered it, I get why it took me so long. I’m going to try and explain both the memory and my process of getting there, but think I want to say up front that this memory is from such a young age, that it’s really about remembering the feelings at a time when I didn’t have the cognitive abilities to describe what I was feeling. Not to mention that trauma can send anyone of any age back to a per-verbal state. So anything I say is in essence a translation from my child self to my adult self. Words feel inadequate to describe the intensity of the feelings. And the feelings are continuing to unfold, I have been feeling sadness, and relief, and grief, and joy, and gratitude, (so much gratitude!) and weariness … you name it, it seems to be rolling through my system. But the key word here is “through.” I’m alive, all of these feelings mean I’m alive. I’ll take it. Continue Reading
Holy Water by Big and Rich
I was listening to an OLD playlist on Itunes that I haven’t listened to in quite some time, and a song I had forgotten about popped up. It’s an incredibly powerful and moving song about healing from sexual abuse and rape, one that meant a great deal to me when I was in a very dark passage in my healing. It helped me remember that there is power, light and love that is untouched by evil, that will always outshine the darkest of deeds. I needed to be reminded of that my last session, so honestly, I don’t think it’s an accident I ran across this song again right now. I thought I would share it in case it resonated with anyone else. I hope it speaks to you if it’s something you need to hear.
A Re-enactment or How Transference is a B**** Part I
Greetings gentle readers,
I’m back from vacation, which was quite refreshing. I have not been blogging for several reasons: work was a bit busy (I am the technical documentation department so nothing gets done while I’m gone), I was catching up on my correspondence (which, alas, is still not complete) and my return to therapy was a bit rough. Note: I started writing this about two weeks back then got hit by an ubervirus that morphed into bronchitis and kicked off my asthma. I am now on enough steroids to lift a building after the second visit to my doctor and slowly trying to recover a normal energy level. And we have about four feet of snow and -1 degree weather. I am NOT a big fan of February. Continue Reading
Ambivalence, thy name is mother
I am feeling… ambivalent. It is my mom’s birthday tomorrow, her 78th. We have been estranged for over a year since my birthday last March. Long story, which I have told elsewhere, but she was given information from an aunt that went a long way to confirming I had been sexually abused by my dad. I waited for her to contact me and she never did. Then, come to find out, she got angry about me not wanting a relationship with her. I know, I know, I got abused and she’s the hurt one 
but I think she’s trying to protect herself. Unfortunately, it’s once again at my expense. But I also get how very difficult it would be to face that the sexual abuse actually happened to me. Continue Reading
Tales of a Boundary Ninja 
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