A Re-enactment or How Transference is a B**** Part I

Greetings gentle readers,
I’m back from vacation, which was quite refreshing. I have not been blogging for several reasons: work was a bit busy (I am the technical documentation department so nothing gets done while I’m gone), I was catching up on my correspondence (which, alas, is still not complete) and my return to therapy was a bit rough. Note: I started writing this about two weeks back then got hit by an ubervirus that morphed into bronchitis and kicked off my asthma. I am now on enough steroids to lift a building after the second visit to my doctor and slowly trying to recover a normal energy level. And we have about four feet of snow and -1 degree weather. I am NOT a big fan of February.

The return to therapy was rough, not as in disruptions (that’s for the next post 🙂 ), but as in the material coming up. BN and I had a five-week break around Christmas (his two week trip ran into my 2 1/2 week trip. Otherwise known as bad timing. 🙂 ). I ended up jumping right off into the deep end despite not having seen him for five weeks. I did a lot of reading over vacation, including some books about weight loss and bariatric surgery. One that I especially enjoyed was Obese from the Heart: A Fat Psychiatrist discloses. I highlighted a whole bunch of passages, as well as emailing one to BN during vacation) and took them into my session.

I do need to back up a little and say there was a little surprise in wait for me when BN opened the door. He had decided to grow a beard while he was gone. I must confess I have a thing for beards, and this one looked really good on him. (It has continued to be a bit of a distraction, albeit pleasant one. 🙂 ) I remarked on it and told him it looked good, then we sat down. I started with an overview of events since we had last seen each other, including a description of vacation. I talked to him about the reading I had done on vacation and about how the more research I did on the bariatric surgery, the more unsure I became that it was the right choice for me. I talked about the fine dining on the cruise ship and how I would miss being able to do that, but maybe I needed to. BN asked what has been his favorite question for several sessions now: “What does it feel like to know you wouldn’t be able to overeat?”

I immediately go to a really bad place. Very upset and the fear shoots off the charts while I quickly become incoherent. I feel very little and have trouble talking. I also tend to fight the feelings, so often BN will gently say “AG, it’s ok, just stay with it.” As I stay with the feelings and try to express them, I start having these disturbing flashbacks. I should explain that my flashbacks are NEVER clear, like I’m remembering something. It’s really intense feelings with these quick nuggets of “knowing” what happened (which makes me feel crazy and like I’m making it up.) I really appreciate that at times when BN is summing things up, he assures me that he believes me, that even if I don’t remember exact events, that something terrible happened.

So I was talking about how scary it feels to think about not eating, that if I can’t eat I will have to be present. I talked about not wanting to be present for the abuse and now terrifying and overwhelming it was, but that there was also a sense of arousal. BN decided it was time to push me and started asking specific questions about the arousal, how it felt, does it feel the same way as I feel as an adult, etc. I want to stress there was NOTHING voyeuristic or titillating about the questions, we needed to go there. He was very much his usual, calm self and could have been talking about the weather. But we were using words like “vaginal” and “genitals.” One thing that was really clear to me is that I am PROFOUNDLY uncomfortable discussing sex. I’m not happy being a sexual creature. I remembered that while the abuse was terrifying and overwhelming, it was also exciting and pleasurable. Add to that, I think my father would humiliate me afterwards, telling me it was all my fault. So my sexual feelings and desires are very mixed up with a deep sense of revulsion and shame and feeling like there’s something twisted about having sexual desires. That wanting sex, in any way, or wanting anyone to desire me sexually, means I am doing something very wrong and therefore must be bad. And the whole time we’re discussing it, I’m feeling aroused. I seriously wanted to puke.

We spent a lot of the session discussing sex and my feelings about not wanting to be attractive because attention of a sexual nature feels too dangerous. One of the things I talked to him about was reading about how some clients wanted to push their T’s boundaries and see if they could seduce them and I told him it would never occur to me to even try because I believe I am so profoundly NOT attractive. I honestly cannot imagine anyone wanting me in that way. He keeps telling me that although I won’t believe it, there are people attracted to all kinds of body types. I physically flinch every time he says someone might find me attractive. He also wondered if part of what was scary about acknowledging my sexual feelings was that I wouldn’t be able to control them, that I would try to act out with him. I kind of skimmed over that part. More on that later.

The shame is so bad that I couldn’t look at him at all aside from when I said hello when I walked in (and got thrown for a loop by the aforementioned beard. I told him he was killing me at the end of the session. 🙂 ). I have been projecting all of my feelings of shame and being repulsive and had to ask him several times if he was angry or upset or fed up with me (he’s very patient)? He also gets very mixed up with my father when I go so deep, so I get scared of how he’s going to react. (Which we discussed and both acknowledged, also more on that later). It was just really rough remembering all of those feelings and leaving was difficult. That night I realized I had no sense of connection because the shame is interfering too much. Actually, that has been going on for some time. So I called his service. When he called back I told him I was feeling very triggered and needed some help regulating and that I had no sense of emotional connection, that I felt like I hadn’t seen him at all and I felt lost. It really helped that he expressed that it was understandable, because it had been really difficult stuff and it was no surprise I was triggered. He also reassured me he was there and not going anywhere and that I needed to remember that my feeling of not having a connection didn’t mean the connection wasn’t there. It helped enough to get me through the next week.

I posted about the session on Psychcafe and got some great response which really helped me to process the session and think through my feelings. One of the things I realized was that I really wanted to ask BN if HE found me attractive, but was very scared to so so. (Like he would answer, ha! 🙂 ) I realized that I don’t really want to know the answer to that question since if he answered in the negative, it would hurt. And if he answered in the affirmative, I would be terrified. Not knowing allows me a space in which I can consider either. So I headed into my session ready to discuss all the feelings that had been evoked, which is what I will cover in the next post. And get to that whole transference thing mentioned in the title.

This is the first part of a two-part series. Part II can be found here.

  1. February 17, 2015 at 11:20 am

    (((((((AG))))))) Brave as usual 🙂 Sending hugs and thinking of you.


    • February 18, 2015 at 10:12 am

      (((AH))) same here. 🙂 You’re doing very brave, difficult work yourself! xx AG


  2. February 17, 2015 at 11:23 am

    I was gonna say that if my T grew a beard over a break I’d be mad because I hate beards, but my T is a woman so that wouldn’t make much sense.

    Anyways, thank you for continuing to share and I pray for continued strength and encouragement in your journey. I’ve been forced to give up a lot lately in the way of food and it is super hard, so I can empathize somewhat. Mine is because of food allergies to almost everything (wheat, dairy, eggs) that keep me up at night if I don’t stay away from them. I’ve also depended on food a lot to escape from pain and anxiety, and it’s been suddenly taken away and it’s really tough.


    • February 18, 2015 at 10:15 am

      Had to laugh when you said your T was a woman so a beard wouldn’t make much sense. 🙂

      I’m sorry you’re going through this too, but appreciate you sharing that you are also finding it difficult. I had this vague idea it would be, but actually doing it? The stakes were a bit higher than I expected. But it’s also been very growth-inducing. I have a few more posts to write to catch up, but I experienced a major breakthrough yesterday and it feels like I may have rounded a corner. Hang in there and please feel free to come and talk about it here. xx AG

      Liked by 1 person

  3. EBB
    February 17, 2015 at 11:45 am

    I really missed your posts and replies while you were away. Five weeks away from one’s T is a long time. I don’t want to even think about it. And a beard is a big change. It would take me a while to get used to it. One thing that you said struck a chord with me. Feelings of arousal while talking to one’s therapist. This happens all the time and I cannot even look at him. I just discovered he has brown eyes. It is also difficult leaving him. It’s exciting to become sexually aroused, yet I feel shamed and “bad.” It’s painful, but thank God I have a husband so I can “transfer my transference” onto him. But then again, my husband has his own needs, which interfere. The fact that it is “forbidden” to be sexual with one’s T because it would be harmful (and terrifying) I think is also a turn-on for me. So thank you for sharing this, because I thought I was the only one. It is very difficult for me to handle.


    • February 18, 2015 at 10:21 am

      It’s good to be back, I do miss it when I am away from the blog for long periods. But I have learned through long experience that if I don’t pay attention to self care, my body has a way of getting my attention (more on that in a future post. 🙂 )

      And no you’re not alone at all. The erotic feelings for BN wax and wane for me, depending on what material I am working on. If the arousal is more adult and focused on him I find it easier to handle, it’s when its connected with also remembering fear and terror and wrongness that it feels so twisted and wrong. I think it’s important to talk about if you can bring yourself to do it because BN has been invaluable in reflecting how “normal” these feelings are and how they really are not a sign of some inherent pathology, there the result of a child trying to make sense out of an untenable set of circumstances they should never have had to deal with. If you haven’t read it, you might want to check out my post on Erotic Transference where I discuss a lot of the things I figured out by looking at my sexual/romantic feelings for BN. I am very glad you feel less alone with this though, thanks for sharing that. xx AG


  4. Ann
    February 17, 2015 at 12:38 pm

    AG, What a brave post. My T has a beard, so if he shaved it off I would freak. Needless to say, I don’t do well with change. My T has told me most people have some degree of shame around their sexuality. He has also said that some female patients have hit on him. That is also shocking to me as I figure most shrinks wouldn’t succumb, because it wouldn’t be worth the risk of loosing their practice! I am glad your T has strong boundaries and has your best interest at heart. He is allowing you to struggle and find your way instead of taking the easy way out and telling what you want to hear. I am glad you are back and speaking your truth!!! Xoxo Ann


    • February 18, 2015 at 10:45 am

      (((Ann))) I haven’t mentioned the beard again for fear he’ll shave it off! 🙂 But I know myself well enough to know that at some point I’m going to just end up blurting out how distracting it is. Thanks for what you said about shame, it helps to know it’s not uncommon. And I’m with you about patients hitting on their T’s but I have heard from a lot of people who either want to or have, which has provided interesting insight into how I handle sex and sexual attraction compared to other people. I don’t see it as wrong on the client’s part, they are acting out a feeling they need to express. It’s the T’s job to move it back into discussion and not act on it (I know you know that just stating it for clarity). And thank you for reflecting what you see about BN. I totally agree. I had a truly deep, very painful, but incredibly healing session yesterday and I am humbled and awed by his willingness to walk in such painful places with me. It’s really lovely to hear from you! 🙂 I missed you! xx AG


  5. Emma
    February 17, 2015 at 2:01 pm

    It’s good to hear from you again 🙂


    • February 18, 2015 at 10:46 am

      Thanks Emma! It’s good to be heard. I so appreciate everyone who listens. ~ AG


  6. February 17, 2015 at 7:55 pm

    I can really relate to this. I am happy to have being overweight and unattractive as a barrier between me and any chance of a relationship. I have no desire or intentions right now of putting any effort into changing the situation.


    • February 18, 2015 at 10:49 am

      I totally understand. It took me decades in therapy, quite literally to tackle this. I just wasn’t ready to do it sooner. I think it’s important to trust our internal sense of what we’re ready to face. Yes, there are often times we need to push outside our comfort zone in order to grow, but do it too soon or too fast and you just end up re-inforcing the injuries you’re trying to heal. So good for you for being aware of where you are about the issue. ~ AG

      Liked by 1 person

  7. February 17, 2015 at 11:41 pm

    Thank you for posting this. I have these little nuggets of “knowing”, too, where there just aren’t words to tell what i know, but i know. It makes it hard ro believe yourself.

    The feelings of shame and hiding during therapy, well, i almost always hide my face and refuse to look at my therapist when we are talkiing about me, my feelimgs, or anything personal. I used to feel like an idiot, but then she told me she once hid under her coat when she was in her own therapy and her therapist wanted her to discuss sex. Since then, I still have huge shame about reactions to the abuse, but not about hidiing in therapy.

    It’s good to see you back, and I am glad you enjoyed your vacation.


    • February 18, 2015 at 10:54 am

      Thanks for saying your “remember” that way too, I really can struggle, despite all the evidence, to accept that the abuse happened. It really is hard to believe yourself when it comes in these bits and pieces. BN has been really reassuring about believing me and it’s been really crucial.

      And I’m lucky if I can manage a couple of instances of eye contact per session. After nine years, BN addressed it for the first time in a session. 🙂 And yes, I have hidden under a blanket during one session. BN is very understanding about it and just keeps gently pointing out that its the shame that makes me want to hide, but that I don’t need to. I am so glad that you’re therapist was willing to share her own vulnerability with you to help you be more accepting with yourself.

      And thanks for the welcome, it’s good to be back. ~ AG

      Liked by 2 people

  8. Saba
    February 18, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    Hi AG,
    I’m following your blog for a while, and your posts have been so helpful for me specially when I was at my first sessions.
    I’ve been in therapy for about 16 months now, and still don’t know its rules and routines. Going to therapy sessions haven’t been so common in my country until recent years. so…
    I have a question!
    about one month ago I had a session that I brought up the issue that I feel too dependent to my therapist and I feel bad about it and couldn’t explain more and rather write about it.
    He said it’s ok and I can send it via email or even SMS so we can talk about them in the next session.
    Then after a couple of days I realized that I have to go to a trip and I have to cancel the next session. I felt the anxiety again so texted that I have to cancel the next session and I’m so dependent that I’m too anxious now.
    He didn’t reply for 2 days until I texted again and asked if he had seen my text! and he said yes!!
    I was angry at that moment and texted that we have to talk about not answering my text in the next session.
    I felt so bad that I coudln’t speak about it the next session, although he tried to. He said that he was sorry, but the bad feelings is about me not his fault!!
    I hate him now, and I want to cry whenever I remember this.
    Is it ok to not answer such a text?
    If not, do you think it’s ok that I fire him for this? He has been a great therapist for me, and given that there are not many good therapists in my city I’m not sure if I can find any better therapist soon. But I think I cant trust him again.


    • February 20, 2015 at 7:47 pm

      Hi Saba,
      Welcome to my blog and thanks for commenting. I also appreciate your patience about getting an answer. I very much agree with what Ann and Judy told you (thanks ladies!). XYou have shared very clearly about your therapist but didn’t say too much about your background and why you are in therapy. So I am going to share some of my experience, which may be true or not for you, so take what fits.

      There’s a lot going on here. One is your fear of dependence. When our initial dependence does not go well, and our caregivers do not meet our needs properly, it teaches us to fear needing another person, because that led to getting hurt. One of the things that is healing about therapy is allowing ourselves to need another person who is safe and having experiences of it going well. I’d really recommend the book General Theory of Love which does a great job of explaining the need for dependence in therapyd for a time while we heal. It really helped me when I was struggling with it. There is also a post Boundaries, Dependence and Interdependence you might find helpful.

      As far as the disruption, please trust me I understand. The majority of BN and I’s disruptions have surrounded email and other communications (I’m working on another post about one around email right now. 🙂 ). One of the things that I had to deal with was that I was looking for “safety” but safey to me unconsciously meant finding a person who would “love” me enough that they would never hurt me. I was hurt so many times by the people who were supposed to be caring for me, that getting hurt by someone who says they care evokes a terrible amount of pain and fear. But the truth is that no human being is perfect. They talk about “good enough” parenting. The way it works is that your caregiver is attuned to you but sometimes they’ll get it wrong, which causes a “disruption” in the connection. This is deeply disturbing for the child, who often reacts with shame. But a caring, attuned parent notices that things have gone wrong and immediately moves to repair the connection. Experiencing this cycle of it’s good, something’s gone wrong, it’ scary, wait they’re fixing it, teaches a child that a relationship is safe even if someone doesn’t get it right every time. But if we didn’t have that repair, if no one noticed our fear or shame, we were left in it. So disruptions became very threatening events. I think this is what you’re experiencing with your T. He messed up and didn’t answer your email. not because he doesn’t care or because he isn’t safe, but because he’s human. I think this especially since he is characterized by responding to your communications. So this failure is an exception, not the rule. But it may feel dangerous enough to you based on your early experiences, that your reaction is “Hey, this is NOT safe, I’m out of here,” You’re trying to protect yourself from the pain you may have experienced before.

      So one of the truly healing parts about therapy is that when something like this happens, you can go and express all your feelings about what happened and be heard and understood,and the relationship can be restored. It is invaluable experience for you to learn what a safe relationship actually looks like. Your therapy is about your feelings, and your T should be able to hear your anger and hurt about what happened without getting defensive or making it about him (this is sometimes a difficult skill however, for really new therapists). If he does get really defensive or tries to make it about his feelings or is not understanding about how it feels for you, those would be red flags indicating that a change might be necessary. But from what you’re sharing you’re not there yet. I hope you’re able to discuss this with him. Let us know how it goes. ~ AG


  9. Saba
    February 18, 2015 at 1:07 pm

    PS. Whenever I need to cantact him, I send an sms and he calls, or text me to call, except this one time.


  10. Robin
    February 18, 2015 at 3:31 pm

    Welcome back!
    Just a couple of thoughts:
    I am guessing that even if BN did say he found you attractive,that ‘feeling’ of good would only last so long. You would then continue to seek it out or hope to hear it. (But I know that would feel remarkable if only for a short time. Of course I am just assuming because I somewhat equate your story about the attractiveness to my attachment issues. If the person I am attached to actually shows caring toward me, or it resolves for some reason, I know the next attachment is just waiting around the corner. They always will until I resolve my own internal issues.)

    Regarding connection, I think of it this way: Suppose my dearest friend does something and it really hurts my feelings. I might conjure up all kinds of emotions, maybe even decide to let that person out of my life. Then, it turns out I heard something wrong and it was all a huge misunderstanding, one that my friend was not even aware of. All that emotion and such didn’t change my friends love/caring for me, that all stayed the same from their perspective. It was all my interpretation of it that screwed everything up, my own “mess” in a sense.

    I know this happens to me in therapy. I will get angry, decide my T couldn’t care less about me, whatever. It always ends up being stirred up because of my own projections and coping strategies that I have subconsciously used for years. I will decide what his feelings are because it suits my purposes to ‘get by’ or protect myself.

    I guess what I am trying to say is that our minds do a great job of muddying up the waters, and meanwhile, the ‘objects’ of our projections are just going about their day, feeling the same way they always did. But maybe WE feel different about ourselves and just assume everyone else must feel the same way. It is in those times that I get introspective and see if there is something I need to learn, because ultimately, it is coming from me and not them.

    I hope this made at least a little sense.


    • February 21, 2015 at 9:26 am

      Hi Robin,
      I very much agree with what you said,both about how I would feel if BN said I was attractive and about the connection, and yes, it made sense. I know it would only last so long and I would be wondering if he just said it to make me feel better, etc etc. 😀 It’s not really about him (hmmm, I should have THAT saying tattooed on my forehead 😀 ) And as you see in part II, it absolutely was my own projections getting in the way of my experiencing the connection. BN often reminds me that just because I cannot feel the connection, it does not mean the connection is not there and available. It’s really good to have a place to work through these beliefs and feelings so that I can see that they are hauntings from the past. I appreciate you sharing that you struggle with this too. ~ AG


  11. GreenEyes
    February 18, 2015 at 5:47 pm

    Welcome back. So admire your tenacity and throwing yourself in the trenches of such harrowing and frightening work. I wonder whether your desire to know if BN finds you attractive is a way of (unconsciously) undermining your relationship with him – you know a yay or nay would be problematic but simultaneously I also know you’re aware of how deeply BN cares for you and most likely loves you as well. Shame is so good at screwing with our heads and our concept of how other people see us and feel about us. I could NOT do such work with a patient and avoid developing loving feelings for them in the context of therapy. Sending big hugs and warm breezes from the southern summer 🙂 xxxx


    • February 21, 2015 at 9:44 am

      (((GE))) So good to hear from you! I hope you are keeping well (I envy you your summer weather right now!) Very good point about possibly trying to undermine the relationship. We’re doing really painful, deep work and it’s been a pattern in the past that when I open up on a deeper level, I often unconsciously look for a reason I “need” to move away. Thanks for the feedback from the other side. Hopefully, I’ll be writing about it later, but the last couple of sessions we went really deep and at least one thing stood out which is that BN cares very deeply for me (yes, I would use the word love :)). Sending hugs back! xx AG


  12. Ann
    February 18, 2015 at 6:57 pm

    Saba, I believe that anyone who spends time in therapy eventually has a misunderstanding or gets hurt by their therapist. I know I did about a year ago and it hurt so bad. If you trust your therapist in general, then it is important to try and work through this pain. It took several weeks to work through my impass.. One session, I mostly couldn’t speak (rare for me). But I kept coming back and we worked through the pain. I am glad I stayed. Remember no therapist is perfect and I think therapists (especially men) struggle at times with their own ego. I think therapy consists of two imperfect people wrestling with sensitive issues! If you believe your therapist is well trained and seems to want the best for you, you may want to give it a chance.
    E-mails and texts are tricky with therapists. It seems most prefer a phone call to a text, because it is easy to miss a text. Ask him which he prefers. I am sure AG has some good insight into this issue and look forward to her answer!

    Liked by 1 person

    • saba
      February 18, 2015 at 11:18 pm

      Thank you Ann,
      I know he is still a student under training. He seems unexperienced. But in general, I think we could resolve many important issues and I can see many positive changes.
      but now Im not sure where we are going. It seems that we have been stucked for about 4 months.
      I’m in the middle of a 2 weeks (or maybe 3 weeks) break, then we will have one or 2 sessions, and then a 3 weeks (holidays in my country) break again!
      I need to contact him but there is the fear that he wont answer again. He didnt answer me for 2 days in another 3 weeks break before, but he explained and apologized that time. Now I think I’m too sensitive and scared.


  13. Ann
    February 19, 2015 at 11:27 am

    Saba, that does sound scary! If he is in training, it is important that he has good supervision! When therapists start out they are still figuring out their own boundaries and may have more difficulty admitting fault. A good supervisor will help direct them with these issues.
    I have frequently read that the number one factor in healing is a genuine, safe and open relationship with your therapist. Your therapist is still learning. (Truth be told, good therapists are always learning). It sounds like you feel rejected and are fearful of further rejection. This is where the ball is in your court. If he is new, he is probably just as nervous about helping you as you are about him! (Only he can’t admit it!) Good Luck with your next session!!!


  14. Ann
    February 19, 2015 at 11:51 am

    AG, thanks for the book suggestion. I have started it and it is very interesting!


    • February 21, 2015 at 9:48 am

      Ann so glad that you’re enjoying it. I found it a very thoughtful read and actually want to go back through it again. It helped make conscious of a lot of dynamics that operate for me around food.


  15. February 19, 2015 at 3:29 pm

    Hi Saba,
    I think Ann’s answered you pretty well, but I just wanted to add a little and reinforce what she said.
    I think a huge part of therapy is staying in it and fighting through the misunderstandings. Especially for those of us who have always run away at the first sign of trouble. It is very scary and hurts a lot, but on the other side is understanding and healing. If he’s been a great therapist for you, it is likely worth it to work it out with him rather than cutting off the relationship and trying to find someone else. I can’t imagine a therapy relationship where there was never misunderstanding or hurt or some conflict along the way. I think working through it is actually a crucial part of the process. If he is new, then it will probably be helpful for him to learn through this as well.

    Let us know how it goes. Don’t give up!


  16. saba
    February 19, 2015 at 9:20 pm

    Thank you Ann and Judy
    After reading your commens, I decided to talk about my feelings and fears. I think it worths to do so because of old good days!
    And I almost trust his supervision.
    I will talk about it in the next session and then let you know.

    Thank you for caring in such a situation and wish you the bests.


    • February 21, 2015 at 9:50 am

      You’re very welcome, I think your decision to go and talk about your feelings and fears is both a good and courageous one, please let us know how it goes.


  17. Communication Girl
    February 20, 2015 at 3:47 am


    I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. That sounds very scary. Please know I am thinking of you and I’m glad he will be able to come home soon.

    I wanted to take a minute to say how it feels nice to know you also hide during session. For months I would hide under a blanket for an entire session. My T and I are currently using somatic experiencing (SE) alongside talk therapy. I’ve found it to be incredibly effective for me. I’ve really tapped into my shame, hence the blanket. Anyway, I’m happy to say I am now able to stay outside of the blanket most sessions! But I do still dive under there when things get really difficult! Hugs CG


    • February 21, 2015 at 10:00 am

      I actually have a blanket that I got from BN a while back (I brought him a new throw in exchange for the one I took from his office) and there was a long period where I would take it with me to sessions when I wanted a sense of being held. I have been known to dive under it. But mainly with me its the hands. The level of shame around this stuff is just really tough. I am glad to hear you’re able to stay out more, I think it’s a strong sign of healing.

      And thank you, my husband is home, and feeling really well. As these things go, it turned out to be a fairly minor incident. 🙂 ~ AG


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