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Why can’t the past just be the past? Part II

January 9, 2017 36 comments

This is the second of a two part series. For Part I, see Why can’t the past just be the past?

Barb commented: While I respect so much about what you say
Isn’t doesn’t it get a point to where what’s done is done – forgive and forget what can’t be changed and not keep bringing up old hurts over and over? Not saying anyone should deliberately say that it’s easy to just get over. But it can often be worse for some people to constantly bring up old hurts, thinking about it, as well. if one feels the need to speak about it, get things off chest fine. But even then they should do it on “their” time when they are ready. Alls I’m saying is this whole language of “dissociation” and what it “is” can be totally confusing to so many. Go read blogs.

Sometimes we think too much instead of doing what’s natural to us. As long as it’s not hurting you or others who cares? Plus, no one can seem to list an actual relatable common sense example of how not always being deeply focused effects you in ways, instead of confusing people into thinking they have something wrong with them because they may daydream, or relax watching TV, or look in their phone, or simply choose to not focus on their painful problems too much. And Heck most people who “get in the zone” can do good things too.

Continue Reading

Categories: ambivalance, attachment theory, disassociation, Emotional regulation, healing, trauma Tags: ,

Why can’t the past just be the past? Part I

January 8, 2017 41 comments

Greetings Gentle Readers,

I’m back after rather a lengthy absence. First, I want to say thank you to all of you who sent encouraging emails or comments. I know there were no responses, but trust me, they were read. It meant so much to know that people were thinking of me while I was gone.

And some things haven’t changed, my first draft was 3400 words long! So I’ll be splitting this into two parts. The title won’t make much sense until the second post, since this one is essentially an update on what I’ve been up to, but we’ll get there eventually. Continue Reading

Categories: hiatus, needs, shame Tags:

Correspondence

February 4, 2016 18 comments

Greetings Gentle Readers,

I am struggling with a difficult issue, which is my ability to keep up with and respond to both comments left on the blog and to emails sent to me at my blog email address. I am deeply grateful to everyone who takes the time to write a comment or an email. The community here has been very supportive and very helpful in my journey and both comments and emails have often been very encouraging. One point I want to be crystal clear about, which is that no one has done anything at all wrong in contacting me. I have made my email address available which was most certainly my choice. Continue Reading

Categories: commitment, expressing needs, hiatus Tags: ,

Post Therapy Disruption and Repair OR The Attachment is Still Important

January 19, 2016 16 comments

So I have been coping fairly well with being away from BN. Aside from one email that I sent to share some good news, there has been no contact. I think of BN often and occasionally miss him, but not in that angst-filled, it’s almost physically painful, kind of way I used to experience being away from him. Things have been good. I hasten to add also that my husband has retired and being the wonderful man he is, has taken over all the household chores, including cleaning, cooking and laundry. With him doing all that during the week, weekends have been devoted to long-term organizational tasks. You know that pile of papers you’ve been trying to go through for six months two years? We’ve finally cleaned it up. 🙂 And I have been able to clean out my drawers and organize my jewelry and clean out the attic (OK, my husband did most of that!) and tackle some sewing projects. You get the picture. So the stress level has been helped both by the fact that my responsibilities have grown lighter and the house is more organized. Not feeling like your clothing is attacking you when opening a drawer causes a LOT less stress. 🙂 It’s really cool that when you need something, you remember where it is and it’s easily accessible. Hey, it only took us 30 years. But seriously, definitely helping the stress level. The only downside is finding time alone, including time to write (which is why I am still struggling to catch up with the comments!). Continue Reading

Categories: abandonment, anger, Boundary Ninja, break, commitment, earned attachment, expressing needs, gratitude, money, termination, transference Tags: , , , ,

Yes, I am still alive!

December 3, 2015 48 comments

Greetings Gentle Readers,

Yes, I am still alive! This break stretched a bit longer than I expected. I was working very long hours right up until we left for vacation on October 23. We had a wonderful vacation, including a family reunion cruise that went incredibly well. So much so that everyone insisted on booking another one in March of 2017. This was a quite pleasant surprise, as we were not at all certain going in that everyone would enjoy it. And I had to laugh at myself because by the end of the trip, I realized that I was feeling much closer to everyone and much more up on what is going on in their lives, when it ruefully dawned on me, that IS the point of family reunions. Continue Reading

Categories: acceptance, break, earned attachment, Emotional regulation, hiatus, self-worth Tags: , ,

The Sticking Place from What a Shrink Thinks

September 25, 2015 3 comments

“For some the sticking place is the therapeutic relationship itself, the trust built, brick by brick, between therapeutic partners.”

This is my sticking place (or was for a long time. How lovely to put it in the past!). I have always said therapy is NOT for the faint of heart but takes extraordinary courage. Go read this…

what a shrink thinks

Macbeth: 
 If we should fail?

Lady Macbeth:
  We fail? 
But screw your courage to the sticking place,
 And we’ll not fail.

Macbeth, Act 1, scene 7, 59-61

Committing psychotherapeutic acts takes extraordinary courage.

Facing down anxieties, digging down underneath painful symptoms, revealing vulnerabilities, casting out demons, seeking salvation, asking forgiveness, challenging abuse, severing damaging relationships, examining your failures, flaws, weaknesses, revealing your shames, contending with guilt, grieving, preparing to die, coming out, fighting for intimacy, encountering emptiness, apprehending your own murderousness, and the depths of your hungers and desires, setting limits and boundaries, saying “no”, tolerating exposure, baring your soul, withstanding the pain, changing your life, telling the truth…

Telling the truth.

Holy shit.

These are terrifying acts.

I can think of no psychotherapeutic action that does not require courage.

I cannot think of a single split second of the 30 years I have spent engaged…

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Categories: Uncategorized

Be Gone for a Bit

August 21, 2015 21 comments

Greetings Gentle Readers,

I know I have not been around much lately, but I’m going to be around even less for a bit. For starters I am heading into an extremely busy period at work. We have a very documentation intensive release going out the end of October and my only hope of making my deadlines is to start hitting it pretty hard now. I’ll be working longer hours and some weekends, so I am afraid I am not really going to have the time and energy for the blog right now.

I have also decided I just need to step away from the internet for a bit. It is still possible to email me at the address on my blog but I will not be answering any emails until after this release has gone out. I appreciate everyone’s patience and understanding.

For any readers from Psychcafe, I have also turned off my PM’s, so please don’t take it personally if you try to contact me and it bounces.

Take care, AG

Categories: avoidance, break, hiatus, Uncategorized, updates