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Archive for the ‘shame’ Category

Why can’t the past just be the past? Part I

January 8, 2017 41 comments

Greetings Gentle Readers,

I’m back after rather a lengthy absence. First, I want to say thank you to all of you who sent encouraging emails or comments. I know there were no responses, but trust me, they were read. It meant so much to know that people were thinking of me while I was gone.

And some things haven’t changed, my first draft was 3400 words long! So I’ll be splitting this into two parts. The title won’t make much sense until the second post, since this one is essentially an update on what I’ve been up to, but we’ll get there eventually. Continue Reading

Categories: hiatus, needs, shame Tags:

Freedom, A Cool Wind That Burns Your Face – Part II

Tiny Tom:I’m frightened!
Bobby: As well you should be. Freedom is scary. It’s a blast of cool wind that
burns your face to wake you up.
– Run, Freedom, Run from Urinetown the Musical

This is part II of a series. For the first part, see Freedom, A Cool Wind That Burns Your Face – Part I.

I walked in and sat and BN opened with “so you’re having a hard time?” (We tend to get straight to it. Any chitchat is done at the end of the session when setting up my next appointment). I told BN I was really activated and he asked why. So I basically did a dump of what I described in Part I. Near the end of my spew, I was saying how I just wanted BN to reassure me but he was in full-on therapist mode (I totally get the need for detachment but sometimes it just feels horrible Smiley). He was great, he just looked straight at me and as calmly as possible said “It’s all going to be ok.” I cracked up. Then he asked me an interesting question (he’s really good at asking very hard questions which seem SO obvious once he says them, but that I would never think to ask myself.) Continue Reading

Freedom, A Cool Wind That Burns Your Face – Part I

Tiny Tom:I’m frightened!
Bobby: As well you should be. Freedom is scary. It’s a blast of cool wind that
burns your face to wake you up.
– Run, Freedom, Run from Urinetown the Musical

Greetings gentle readers,

Therapy has continued to be interesting. Sessions have been a little erratic lately, with one two-week break due to BN’s schedule and another two-week break due to me getting ill. The session at the end of the second week break was really good, although I was having mood swings for the next week. I went from feeling really optimistic then back to sad and weepy, then energized to feeling a bit lost. At times I would feel very connected with BN and at other times too distant. I think, in part, it’s becoming clear that I’m becoming more able to do without BN. It’s as if for the longest time I’ve been focusing on BN and now we’re shifting the focus back on me, where it should be. I think it feels like I’m losing him, even though I know that’s not true. Actually, I think it’s tied in with a breakthrough I made that session, but I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m going to rewind a bit.  Continue Reading

Existential Freefall – Part II

April 22, 2015 60 comments

This is the second part of a two part series, for part I, see Existential Freefall – Part I

So in my last post, I explained the background and issues I was taking into my session last Friday (and then evidently, left people hanging off a cliff. 😀 ). So here’s the rest of the story. Continue Reading

Existential Freefall – Part I

April 20, 2015 18 comments

I was going to name this post “Existential Freefall or What I’ve Been Trying to Remember for 20 years (Well, 50 Really)” but that seemed a bit unwieldy, even for me, so I went with the shorter version. 🙂 I had a major breakthrough in my session last Friday, so much so I think I will be processing it for quite a while. I was finally able to remember something that I have been trying to bring into consciousness for over twenty years. Now that I’ve remembered it, I get why it took me so long. I’m going to try and explain both the memory and my process of getting there, but think I want to say up front that this memory is from such a young age, that it’s really about remembering the feelings at a time when I didn’t have the cognitive abilities to describe what I was feeling. Not to mention that trauma can send anyone of any age back to a per-verbal state. So anything I say is in essence a translation from my child self to my adult self. Words feel inadequate to describe the intensity of the feelings. And the feelings are continuing to unfold, I have been feeling sadness, and relief, and grief, and joy, and gratitude, (so much gratitude!) and weariness … you name it, it seems to be rolling through my system. But the key word here is “through.” I’m alive, all of these feelings mean I’m alive. I’ll take it. Continue Reading

A Re-enactment or How Transference is a B**** Part II

February 18, 2015 21 comments

This is the second part of a two part series, part one can be found here.

So I showed for the next session, prepared to tackle the topic again. After telling him quite emphatically that I did not want him to answer me, I told him how the question of whether he found me attractive can press on me. I shared some things that came out of my discussion on the forum, which is that I am struggling to accept my body and my sexuality, so I think I crave affirmation from him, because if he can accept my body and even find me attractive, then I somehow become acceptable. Which isn’t remotely true, although it can feel very powerful. It is my own acceptance that is important. Besides, I wouldn’t believe him anyway until I come to terms. I then expressed that I also thought that part of the dynamic was that a father is ideally supposed to affirm his daughter’s attractiveness while keeping her safe by in no way acting on it. Basically, I’m looking at BN and asking “Daddy, am I pretty?” But the truth is, I got neither of those things from my father. Neither affirmation or safety. Continue Reading

A Re-enactment or How Transference is a B**** Part I

February 17, 2015 32 comments

Greetings gentle readers,
I’m back from vacation, which was quite refreshing. I have not been blogging for several reasons: work was a bit busy (I am the technical documentation department so nothing gets done while I’m gone), I was catching up on my correspondence (which, alas, is still not complete) and my return to therapy was a bit rough. Note: I started writing this about two weeks back then got hit by an ubervirus that morphed into bronchitis and kicked off my asthma. I am now on enough steroids to lift a building after the second visit to my doctor and slowly trying to recover a normal energy level. And we have about four feet of snow and -1 degree weather. I am NOT a big fan of February. Continue Reading

Where Oh Where Can AG Be?

October 26, 2014 20 comments

Greetings Gentle Readers,
Sorry for the prolonged absence, but the release (which actually still hasn’t gone out yet!!! AUGH!!) went down to the wire. I did my final turnover at 5:00 on Wednesday the 15th and then my husband and I left for a cruise at 5 AM the next morning. So I had very limited internet access from the 16th to the 24th. We had a lovely, relaxing time, but it’s been difficult going since we got home. I have been doing some intensive work around being present in my body (which it turns out is NOT a favorite activity of mine) and there is a tremendous amount of shame coming up as well as some very young memories being triggered. I hope to do some writing about it soon. In the meantime, it feels like I kind of just put everything on hold while I was away, but now that I’ve returned home I am feeling quite flooded. There’s a lot of shame and anxiety floating around and I have been feeling incredibly weepy but it’s not really connected with anything. On top of that, things have very much improved and settled down with the crises we’ve been dealing with and it feels like I may be collapsing now that I know it’s over, and I can. Which is the long way of saying that I am struggling with feeling very fragile, overwhelmed and ashamed. Continue reading

Anxiety Attack

September 13, 2014 43 comments

This is going to be a difficult post to publish and I apologize in advance that I don’t know if I’ll be able to respond to comments. I had what I think was my first anxiety attack last night.  First, I feel like I owe an apology to anyone who has ever had one, I had no idea how truly physical it can be. I was honestly scared I was having a heart attack. This is hard to talk about because it’s kicking up so much shame and anxiety (I’ve never know the exquisite joy of being anxious about being anxious. NOT a lot of fun. And trying not to be anxious feels a lot like someone saying to you “think about anything but pink elephants.”) Continue Reading

‘Tis the Season: Strategies for coping with a therapist’s absence – Part II

This is the second part of a two part series; the first part is ‘Tis the Season – Part I.

We’re discussing strategies for helping us to get through our breaks in therapy (of any length!). We left off at journaling  and the strategies are continued below. Continue Reading