Enraged
I just got off the phone with my sister, who just returned from my brother’s funeral. I expected to discuss the trip, the services, the family, my mother, my sister and my brother. What I didn’t expect was a major revelation that would leave me so angry I was shaking from head to toe and using language I didn’t know I knew. Evidently, my mother called my aunt, my father’s sister, who is the only member of his family she is still in touch with, to let her know my brother had died. My aunt had also lost her eldest to cancer a number of years ago and I suppose my mother felt a certain sympathy. While they were talking, my aunt conveyed a crucial piece of information 55 years too late to do any good. Continue Reading
Evidently I’m Human
Just a quick update so as not to leave anyone in suspense. I saw the Boundary Ninja yesterday and it helped immensely, although I am now aware that I am grieving. So much for numbness. I walked in and pretty much exploded all over his office and covered the emotional spectrum: love, hate, pity, grief, compassion, anger, sadness, hurt. You name it, I think I felt it. As it was with my father, losing male members of my family seems to be the perfect definition of ambivalence. From the way I exploded once I knew I was with BN (I started sobbing at the beginning and couldn’t manage to talk for at least several minutes) I think I needed to really feel safe, the kind of safe I really only feel in BN’s office in order to allow myself to feel. Continue Reading
Rest in Peace
I found out today that my brother died. At the age of 58, he had a major heart attack and dropped dead in front of his computer. We’ve been estranged for a long time. Not because of any major break or fight, just my wanting distance. He moved out West years ago and lives several thousand miles away, which makes it easier. At one point, the whole family, such as it is, had lost touch with him until my sister got a call that he was in a psychiatric hospital. After close to 30 years of self-medicating, he had a moment of clarity and stopped. Unfortunately, all the things he had been holding at bay with the drinking and drugs came crashing in on him. He was suicidal and his therapist told him either he took himself to inpatient care or he’d do it for him. After that he came back east for a couple of visits. Continue Reading
Accepting the “not so pretty” Parts
At the heart of most, if not all, effective therapeutic relationships lies unconditional positive regard. Ideally, our therapists accept and affirm us, making it clear that this relationship does not depend on us changing. They value and care for us exactly as we are when we walk through their door. Yet most of us go to therapy because we want things to change. And one important principle about boundaries that is often conveyed is that you have no control over the other person: what they do, what they think, how they feel. The only thing you can control and change is yourself. So following the logic, if you wish things to change, then you needs must change yourself. At this point in the proceedings, you find yourself saying “BUT I’m fine just the way I am, didn’t you just tell me that? So I don’t need to change. Which is it, do I not need to change or not? Am I ok or not? Make up your mind, before I start heaving large blunt objects in your direction!! ” (For the record, I would like to state that although I have often felt the impulse, I have never actually thrown anything at BN. OK, except that pair of socks, but that’s a story for another day. ;))
So you don’t need to change, but you’re here to change is another of the paradoxes which reside at the heart of therapy. Continue Reading
Guest Blogging on Therapy Tales
The very funny and talented WG has graciously allowed me to guest blog. If you’re not familiar with the hilarity which is Therapy Tales, you’re in for a treat!
Changes
Greetings Gentle Readers,
You might (stress on might :)) have noticed a few changes around the place. I have recently stepped down from moderating the psychcafe forum. It was a difficult decision, and honestly, a difficult leave-taking, but I have been stretched very thin between my family, friends, job, the forum, the blog, therapy and my volunteer work (in no particular order). In addition to being stretched thin, I found myself wanting to pursue some new projects, as well as wanting to focus more time and attention here. The timing just seemed right.
So to mark this passage for myself, I decided to upgrade my blog and purchase my own domain (*stops to gaze and enjoy command of all she surveys *); the keenly observant may notice that the URL for the blog is now http://www.boundaryninjatales.com, although the old URL will still get you here. The contact email has also been changed to ag@boundaryninjatales.com (there’s a link in the sidebar to the right.)
Part of the upgrade included the ability to further customize the appearance of the blog, so I’ve also made some font changes. Please feel free to comment, against or in favor 🙂 of the changes. Wanted to make sure it felt homey, since I’m going to be here for a while. 🙂
A Slight Hiatus
Greeting Dear Readers,
Just wanted to let you know that things might be quiet for a short while, as there is a lot going on in my life right now. She’s recovering nicely but my younger daughter ended up in the emergency room last Wednesday night, was admitted to the hospital on Thursday and then had her gall bladder removed on Friday. She came home on Saturday and is recovering nicely, but still requires some care. The couple of weeks leading up to that, we had one car die and then had car trouble with our “new” car. It’s also quickly approaching the time we need to take both girls back to school (and my younger daughter’s operation has rendered her incapable of lifting anything over 5 lbs for five to six weeks, so Dad and I are doing all those three-story trips to her dorm room while she supervises. Color me suspicious. :)) As if that wasn’t enough, I have a few other major changes in the works in the background. And don’t get me going about my work schedule. All of which is not leaving a lot of extra time right now. My apologies to people who have commented and have not yet received a reply, I will do so when I have the time. Thanks and take good care of yourselves.
Tales of a Boundary Ninja 
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