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Archive for the ‘Boundary Ninja’ Category

Sitting

September 30, 2012 13 comments

Greetings Gentle Readers,

I know I have been quiet as of late. News of both my brother’s death and my aunt’s revelations have knocked me off-balance and sent me back into my past in a way that has not happened for a long time. My work schedule has been quite busy, as well as my husband’s, so on top of the emotional stress, there has just not been a lot of free time, but I saw BN Thursday morning and wanted to post an update. I’ve been working on this post for so long that the last sentence originally said “I saw BN this morning.” I am somehow….gagged. As if attempting to voice what I feel inside is so impossible, that words fail and I simply turn away, again and again. So I am going to just finish this post and put it up no matter how it sounds to me, just so that I might speak. So if I sound strange or somehow not like myself, that is probably what you are hearing. Continue Reading

Categories: abandonment, ambivalance, boundaries, Boundary Ninja, childhood sexual abuse (CSA), commitment, dependence, disorganized attachment, earned attachment, Emotional regulation, feelings, healing, hope, limbic resonance, love, needs, pain, perserverence, power, safety, shame, transference, trauma Tags: , , , ,

Evidently I’m Human

September 5, 2012 15 comments

Just a quick update so as not to leave anyone in suspense. I saw the Boundary Ninja yesterday and it helped immensely, although I am now aware that I am grieving. So much for numbness.  I walked in and pretty much exploded all over his office and covered the emotional spectrum: love, hate, pity, grief, compassion, anger, sadness, hurt. You name it, I think I felt it. As it was with my father, losing male members of my family seems to be the perfect definition of ambivalence. From the way I exploded once I knew I was with BN (I started sobbing at the beginning and couldn’t manage to talk for at least several minutes) I think I needed to really feel safe, the kind of safe I really only feel in BN’s office in order to allow myself to feel. Continue Reading

Categories: acceptance, Boundary Ninja, childhood sexual abuse (CSA), disassociation, Emotional regulation, feelings, hope, love, shame

The Boundary Ninja is a Time Lord

July 4, 2012 10 comments

NOTE: This post discusses the BBC series Dr. Who  and although I have tried to avoid them as much as possible, it does contain some minor and one major spoiler. The major one is labeled so that you can avoid reading it if you have not already seen the show.  And if you haven’t seen the show, why are you still reading this? Go at once and watch! The first six seasons are available on Netflix for those of you with access.

I have recently been watching the BBC series Dr. Who (the most recent one) and  am really enjoying it. Actually I watched the first season a few years back, but was unaware that at times the Doctor regenerates (allowing another actor to step into the role).  I was so disappointed the first time this happened in the new series, that I stopped watching the show, sure I would not accept watching anyone else in the role of the doctor.  However, my daughter, bless her, informed me that I had to go on, so I started watching again. And immediately fell in love with David Tennant. (If you’ve watched the show, you know why, and if you haven’t, again, WHY are you still reading here?). Continue Reading

Categories: Boundary Ninja, Funny, love, transference Tags: , , , ,

The Beginning Part I

June 28, 2012 7 comments

NOTE: Since I’m going to be discussing couples counseling in this post, I just want to be clear in order to be fair to my husband, who has no voice here, that the problems in the marriage were complex, based on both our pasts and our reinforcing those patterns for each other. We were both, most definitely, part of the problem. I am also happy to say that we both took responsibility for our part and worked very hard to change. We just celebrated our 26th anniversary and are happier than we have ever been.

So I thought it would be good to go back to the beginning and explain how I ended up working with the Boundary Ninja.  It was not a simple, straight-forward process, but interestingly enough contained the dynamic that I most needed to see. Which after a number of years and one break in therapy, I  am finally  working through. 🙂 Therapy does not usually take the most direct path (or in my case, even an intelligible one) for long periods of time. 🙂 Continue Reading

Categories: ambivalance, attachment styles, attachment theory, Boundary Ninja, childhood sexual abuse (CSA), dependence, disorganized attachment, feelings, healing, hope, perserverence, sexual attraction, transference Tags: , , ,

Erotic Transference

May 9, 2012 142 comments

Update: This post has drawn a lot of traffic in the time it has been up, leading me to believe it’s a topic that a lot of people may wish to discuss further. If you have questions about anything in this post, or questions about things not discussed in this post, please feel free to ask a question in the comments or send me the question privately at the email address in the right column. Thanks! – AG

I got a request from a reader to discuss erotic transference, so I thought I would share a few thoughts. I do want to be clear that although I have done a lot of reading about erotic transference, most of what I write here is based on my own experience and so may not be all that universal. I also think that erotic transference can be a very complex thing encompassing several different dynamics in the relationship. Our sexuality is a very powerful, integral part of us and  therefore a lot of things get played out in this area; issues around power, love, desire, longings, sensuality, self-worth, and attractiveness to list only a few. And all of these things are going to be even more highlighted in the therapeutic relationship since the therapist carries so much symbolic weight. Continue Reading

Categories: ambivalance, boundaries, Boundary Ninja, childhood sexual abuse (CSA), healing, hope, love, needs, pain, sexual attraction, transference Tags: , , ,

Feelings can be irrational: Example #637

April 21, 2012 9 comments

Preface:This is going to be a bit of gloom and doom as I am in the middle of doing some fairly heavy processing of which this post is a part. When I am doing this kind of work the past rides close, which means that I will be struggling with bad feelings about myself. I know they’re not all, or even most of them, true. I also have a number of lovely friends and my husband who have been supporting me through this with care, kindness and love. So don’t take the gloom too seriously. Yes, this is not fun, but it’s also not insurmountable or unbearable and I am not alone in facing it.

This has been a really long crappy week. I’ve been dealing with a couple of different situations in which I’ve had to work very hard to keep my boundaries clear, work very hard to examine myself to sort out my own stuff and in most of the situations draw a hard boundary which has either not gone over well or has left me feeling like I’m kicking puppies or even worse, becoming my father. At one point this week I was actually wondering if someone had hung a sign somewhere on my person that said “please tell me what a crappy human being I am.” Since I am quite capable of doing that on my own more often than I would like, I honestly could have done without the assistance. 🙂 Continue Reading

Categories: acceptance, attachment styles, boundaries, Boundary Ninja, dependence, disassociation, disorganized attachment, Emotional regulation, love, needs, pain, responsibility, transference Tags: , , , ,

Another Poem

November 10, 2011 4 comments

I just saw the Boundary Ninja on Monday. I have been running into some significant transference and triggering in some relationships right now and wanted to sort through it. I am planning on writing about it at some point when it’s clearer than it is now. 🙂 I stopped going regularly to therapy in September of 2010, but have been back for single sessions every couple of months when I’ve needed to work through something that came up. This was the first time that I have seen him that I made another appointment before leaving. Usually I leave without an appointment and just email him to ask for one when I need it. Continue Reading

Categories: acceptance, ambivalance, Boundary Ninja, dependence, earned attachment, feelings, limbic resonance, transference

Welcome to Tales of a Boundary Ninja

October 5, 2011 9 comments

Welcome to Tales of a Boundary Ninja. I am a long term therapy client who has learned a lot along the way, from a lot of sources, the most important of which was a really superb therapist I affectionately call the Boundary Ninja. (H/T to Strummergirl for the name!) This blog is a place for me to share the insights and knowledge I have gathered on my healing journey. Which leads me to the required disclaimer. Attachment theory was key to my healing and I approach most things therapeutic through an attachment lens. This is quite clearly NOT the only modality available for psychotherapy, nor is it the approach that will help everyone. I believe each person pursues a unique healing path, which unfolds for them and will never take quite the same route another person’s would. But sometimes we get within shouting distance of each other and being able to share about the stuff that is similar can help us steer more clearly and give us strength for the road. So take all this for what it is worth, one struggling, chaotic,  messy human being’s gleanings. And awesome quotes from a quintessential therapist. Enjoy!

Categories: attachment theory, Boundary Ninja