Another Poem


I just saw the Boundary Ninja on Monday. I have been running into some significant transference and triggering in some relationships right now and wanted to sort through it. I am planning on writing about it at some point when it’s clearer than it is now. 🙂 I stopped going regularly to therapy in September of 2010, but have been back for single sessions every couple of months when I’ve needed to work through something that came up. This was the first time that I have seen him that I made another appointment before leaving. Usually I leave without an appointment and just email him to ask for one when I need it.

Part of my reaction was to walk out the door, clutching the appointment card in my grubby little hand, singing “I have a golden ticket” in my head. I’m seeing him in three weeks. But the rest of my reaction is a  tendency to see this as going backwards as in, yeah, right,  I left therapy, but here I am with an appointment again.

But in thinking through it, I realized that I am not going to see him about OUR relationship. I am going to talk about problems in other relationships. And those relationships are part of my stepping out into new challenges as I have stepped away from therapy. So my leaving really was the end of a chapter, a true leavetaking of my being dependent, but not the end of working with the Boundary Ninja. I deeply appreciate him still being there because he holds a deep  understanding of me and is incredible at using that knowledge to help me drill down to what is underneath my transference reactions. Once I understand them, it becomes much easier to move through them. OK, him telling me to breathe while I process the emotions that come up doesn’t hurt either. 🙂

Anyway, by now you’re wondering “hey,  didn’t she mention a poem in the title of this post? What was that about?” All of this thinking about leaving, made me remember the poem I wrote about the “end” of therapy. I actually read this to BN at our “last” appointment and gave him a copy. I thought I would share it here. This was an attempt to express the bitter-sweetness and complexity of all that leaving him meant.

The Leavetaking

A place of sanctuary and safety
To know and be known
Resonance moving to and fro
to the pull of inner unseen tides
Treading the unspoken limbic paths
Being
Not spoken yet love lingers in the air
Held tightly yet turning in perfect freedom
But there are paths not followed,
ways you must not walk
To speak, but not act
Home is finally found
but the fullness of life lies outward
How to leave?
The quiet within answers
But how to stay?
To waste the gift which is given?
The bitter cup is here.
Sweetened with herbs of joy and thanks
Irony lingers heavy on the tongue
Deprivation filled only by going forth
Leaving an unspeakable abundance
The gift of self, intended before time was
Accepting that gift
Is embracing life
Nothing held back
Carrying a heart
As yours is carried
One last time the lesson
There is no need to grasp
True to the end
Honoring of the other’s needs
Launches a newborn into flight
Sped on the way by love
  1. Hele
    November 10, 2011 at 8:29 pm

    …that my dear is the definition of a “higher love”- so beautiful.

    Like

    • November 10, 2011 at 9:34 pm

      Thanks so much Hele, I think “higher love” is a perfect description.

      Like

  2. True North
    November 10, 2011 at 10:58 pm

    What you talk about in leaving the BN and how it felt is almost impossible to describe in words and something I cannot imagine yet you managed to capture it so well in your poem. It’s really touching. I have no doubt there was love in your relationship. True North

    Like

    • November 21, 2011 at 12:40 am

      TN,
      Thank you, I didn’t really felt like I did it justice, but I am glad that the poem managed to convey some of what I felt. Thank you for your reassurance about there being love in the relationship. In my better moments, I am certain of it.
      AG

      Like

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