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Archive for the ‘acceptance’ Category

Peeking out

June 12, 2013 52 comments

Hi All,

I’m attempting to come back out and play, but its a bit harder (and more complicated) than I thought it would be. Of course, when isn’t it? 🙂

First, I want to say thank you so much to everyone who left such supportive comments. Your care and interest was the difference between me just bolting and coming back. I’ll be responding to comments over the next few days.

I am feeling much more rested and not nearly as fragile, but am struggling with just a boatload of shame. I continue to be affected by a number of events, including being cut off from my mother, and the online mess (although both of those are mild at this point) and other family stuff (about which I am being vague to protect other people’s privacy). But I have also been working in therapy on looking at my eating/body issues, which have tripped off a lot of realizations about beliefs about myself and my worth. Continue Reading

Categories: acceptance, ambivalance, childhood sexual abuse (CSA), disassociation, disorganized attachment, Emotional regulation, feelings, hate, healing, love, needs, pain, perserverence, self-worth, shame, trauma

Medication

May 14, 2013 25 comments

jwd50 asked over on the Ask AG page why I had never spoken about medications. And I realized its mainly because I have been stable on my medication for a long time such that I don’t really give it a lot of thought.  But I know it can be an issue that a lot of people struggle with, so I thought I would share my experiences.

DISCLAIMER: I want to be very clear here that I am neither a professional therapist nor am I a medical doctor. What I am writing is based on my own experiences and reading, is anecdotal in nature and should not be taken as medical advice. Medications, their benefits and risks, should be discussed with a medical professional. People can also have widely varying reactions to this class of drugs, so I will not be mentioning the name of either medication I have used. Continue Reading

Categories: acceptance, ambivalance, Emotional regulation, medications Tags:

How do you protect yourself from the hurt?

March 18, 2013 27 comments

***UPDATE AT END OF POST
Greetings all, sorry I know I have been completely absent as of late. I am still working 10-12 hours a day, six days a week. Should be done in about two weeks which will be nice as I am missing having a life. But I am also very much struggling with being hurt and thought writing might help, so I am going to sneak in a post despite my schedule.

Continue Reading

Categories: abandonment, acceptance, ambivalance, anger, boundaries, forgiveness, needs, pain, Uncategorized Tags: , , ,

What I missed

February 1, 2013 22 comments

Since I’ve been on the topic of how we work through our grief for that which we did not have, I thought I would share some particulars losses I ran into and what was underneath them. As I’ve worked my way through therapy and uncovered the feelings I had buried so long, I also uncovered losses I had not been able to admit, let alone grieve. This is a very personal list. I expect that some of this will resonate with other people and some of it will be not true for them or seem like a significant loss. These are mine, what I needed to mourn, and I again offer the disclaimer that not everyone will need to do this the way I did. But I am hoping by being more specific about some of the issues I faced, that the process might be more understandable, even if my reasons to mourn do not resonate with you. Continue Reading

Categories: abandonment, acceptance, ambivalance, anger, boundaries, disassociation, encouragement, gratitude, hate, healing, hope, needs, pain, perserverence, safety, self-worth, transference Tags: , , , , ,

Sorting the Past

January 18, 2013 28 comments

In the comments after my last post, It’s still no, but still helpful, a number of questions were asked that I felt needed a longer answer than I would want to put in a comment and since they were all related, I decided to address them in a new post. They appear below:

Greeneyes: … how did on earth have you gotten through the struggle of accepting there’s so much we can’t get that we want? And how have you gotten through how painful the therapy boundaries are?

MetaMantraMe: How can we tell if we really are being denied something in the current time that we should be receiving? Or if it is, indeed, a projection of the unmet, and old, need from before onto today?

Liese: … when will we know that we’ve grieved all the losses from the past and that what is happening to us in the present is from the present? In other words, when will our feelings simply be about what is going on now?

Read more…

Categories: acceptance, ambivalance, anger, boundaries, dependence, disassociation, earned attachment, feelings, hate, healing, hope, limbic resonance, needs, pain, perserverence, safety, self-worth, shame, transference Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

It’s still no, but still helpful

January 6, 2013 52 comments

I am back with the promised update on my last session with BN. (For background, see my previous post The Whole Story of the No.) It was an intense, difficult session but a very productive one and I left feeling better than I came in and with a much clearer understanding. And a lot of respect for everyone’s comments as they highlighted a lot of the material we ended up talking about. I do want to put up a language warning as both BN and I were indulging in order to convey the emotions.

It felt scary driving to BN’s office, but I realized something very important that also felt like a significant step forward. My fear was about how difficult and painful the feelings would be that were evoked by what we needed to talk about, not about the relationship. It hit me that through this whole thing I have not been worried about our relationship in terms of its ending or being damaged beyond repair. I trusted BN to handle any of my feelings that arose and any anger directed at him and I also knew whatever we decided, we could work through it. This level of security has been a long work in progress, and has been building very slowly, but it was satisfying to realize I had come this far. Continue Reading

Categories: acceptance, anger, boundaries, earned attachment, feelings, hate, healing, needs, pain, safety, self-worth, shame Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The Whole Story of the No

January 2, 2013 58 comments

In my post I HATE hearing no, I talked about BN saying no to something I asked for but didn’t go into too many details. Some of it was lack of time, but I suspect, gentle readers, that some of it was embarrassment. So now I’m going to tell the whole story, mainly because I am working very hard to understand what is going on within me and where I want to go from here. I see BN on Friday and I am struggling to discern if I am just trying to avoid loss or if this is something I can have in the here and now. I strongly suspect from the intensity of my feelings that BN gave me the right answer, but I’m not sure whether I am ready to give up the fight yet. But I’m getting ahead of myself… Continue Reading

Categories: acceptance, ambivalance, anger, boundaries, feelings, hate, healing, love, needs, pain, safety, shame, transference Tags: , , , , ,

My first ever blog award!!

November 15, 2012 8 comments

Yes, Gentle Readers, I will confess that I am very excited (and not a little flattered) that Purple Dreamer has recognized me with my very first ever blog award, the Wonderful Team Member Readership Award. First, I would like to say thank you to Purple Dreamer for being so gracious as to bestow upon me this honor as I feel like her contribution here has far outweighed mine on her blog, so now I am doubly in her debt. Secondly, there are requirements for the award, which I fulfill below.

The Rules

1. The Nominee of the Wonderful Team Member Readership Award will display the logo on his/her post/page and/or sidebar.  – Look just above. 😀 Continue Reading

Categories: acceptance, award, encouragement, gratitude, movies Tags:

Memorable Quotes

October 3, 2012 16 comments

Had another very intense session with BN today who remains, thank heaven, completely unflappable. I’m starting to feel this insane impulse to just keep stepping up my behavior to find the breaking point; then I realize, I just don’t know where I would go. 🙂 Life just keeps throwing curve balls recently, and I guess I can take some comfort in the fact that I seem to react consistently, with shame. I joke, but I have been very triggered as of late, so that many feelings from when I am young have surfaced. I have recently experienced some difficulties that when viewed through an adult lens, I can clearly see are not my fault and even have nothing to do with me. I’m just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Continue Reading

Categories: acceptance, Boundary Ninja, earned attachment, Emotional regulation, encouragement, hope, love, safety, termination Tags: , , , ,

Working Through

September 22, 2012 6 comments

Greetings Gentle Readers,

First, may I say thank you so much for all the encouragement and support from everyone? Knowing I am not alone, knowing that there are safe people, that there are people I can trust now, has been a bulwark against the myriad of memories being dredged up.  I have so appreciated all of you who have come alongside of me with your care, concern and kind words, it has helped so very much. Continue Reading

Categories: acceptance, childhood sexual abuse (CSA), feelings, healing, love, pain, perserverence, safety, trauma Tags: , , , ,