Home > abandonment, ambivalance, anger, boundaries, hate, pain > I hate hearing NO

I hate hearing NO

Hopefully, later I’ll write a longer, more detailed post on my session yesterday as a lot of really good work got done and important things happened, but right now, I really don’t care. All the understanding in the world, of why BN needed to say no to my request, of where the pain and grief are really coming from, of just how compassionate, gentle and caring he really was aren’t doing much in the face of the fact that it hurts and I’m angry at having to watch other people ask and easily get from their therapists things BN won’t do. I don’t want to be mature and insightful, I want to throw a temper tantrum and get my way. And its making me even angrier to imagine just how understanding BN would be about all these feelings if I contacted him. At times like these, the line between the past and present gets so blurry and I don’t know who I hate more, BN or my father. My only clarity is in being reasonably sure that my father has earned it while BN has done quite the opposite. I hate what rejection evokes in me. I hate that voice saying “see, I told you not to ask, I told you that you’d only get hurt” when I know it was the right thing to do. But circling back, right and wrong don’t feel important at the moment, just that howling inside as I remember what it feels like to not be able to have what I long for. Despite my utter and complete gratitude for therapy and the healing that happens there, some days it just sucks. I think I need to be ok with just acknowledging that this is really how I feel right now.

And yes, I am pissed that BN was gently trying to warn me I’d probably feel this way yesterday. Damn know it all!

  1. December 20, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    You know, I think that sometimes temper tantrums have their place. Sometimes we need to honor the feelings that come from a hurt place before we can move on to dealing with it from a more mature place.

    Yes, therapy does sometimes suck. Getting to a place of being more healed is good, but the healing itself can hurt like hell!!!

    Sending thoughts of support…


    • December 20, 2012 at 1:30 pm

      Oh, and I think that you have an incredible amount of courage to honor the fact that you needed to ask for something, even though you knew that the likely response was “no.” I’m not sure that I am at the point where I could do that for something that a needy part of me needed/wanted.


      • December 20, 2012 at 1:32 pm

        Sometimes I think courage is highly overrated! 😀 But thank you. And to be fair, BN made it very clear that it was not only ok to ask but that he thought it was important.


        • December 20, 2012 at 1:48 pm

          LOL! I have made the same comment about courage!


  2. December 20, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    Thanks for understanding Cat. It actually helped to just say this. Helps even more to know I’m not alone.


  3. George
    December 20, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    Oh, I feel your pain. I can imagine what sort of request, and the gentle, firm, understanding denial that can feel like an unfair deflection. And the fury and disappointment in his equanimity while denying you. But there is also reassurance, isn’t there, at his ability to be there and be consistent? I know it’s not what that part of you wants, though, and I sympathize. And, oh, courage. Don’t you wish you didn’t need it sometimes? :-\


    • December 22, 2012 at 11:54 pm

      Thanks George, your description sounds like you were in the room. There is definitely reassurance in ability to be there consistently, I wrote to him to express that I was angry and hurt and wanted to discuss it further and his reply was very reassuring that he would be glad to talk about it further it was important. I’m not really angry at BN, I am angry at my past. And yes, I heartily wish I didn’t need courage at times. Have to agree with you on that one.


  4. Little Blond Girl
    December 20, 2012 at 7:06 pm

    What strength to even just ask. I will deny the possibility of having my needs met, for the fear of hearing no. I’d rather not ask and not know than hear no. So while it doesn’t mean that much right now, it did take strength. I am currently in the anger phase with my T and can’t seem to settle on being angry at him or feeling bad about being angry at him because he really hasn’t done anything that deserves how angry I am sometimes and then of course there’s the fact that I really do like him. Once he asked me if I had had my temper tantrum – had I stomped my feet and screamed in frustration. I can’t imagine myself actually having a temper tantrum (I am supposed to be an adult afterall) but I think he might be onto something there…
    Take care of yourself in this and know that when the anger passes, he’ll still be there…and even if it doesn’t – he’ll still be there…


    • December 22, 2012 at 11:58 pm

      Thank you. “being angry at him or feeling bad about being angry at him because he really hasn’t done anything that deserves how angry I am” is perfect. I strongly suspect that a lot of this is displaced anger. But there is real freedom in knowing its ok to get angry at him and express it and our relationship will be intact. I didn’t have that as a child. Thanks for reminding me he’ll still be there.


  5. graceoverflowing
    December 20, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    Sorry you are feeling so raw right now. I am still at the point where I get stuck in the rejection but only ever ask safe people when I get to the point I don’t have a choice.

    Throw that tantrum, I’m sure it will feel better after.

    Courage sucks big time.


    • December 23, 2012 at 12:01 am

      Thanks, I’m definitely feeling a bit better. We’ve done a lot of work addressing my ability to express my needs. Its an indication of the trust I have in him that I managed to get it out. Its part of why the no can make me so angry, he knows the kind risk I am,taking to ask. But the even harder part is that I cannot rid myself of the knowledge that whether he is right or wrong in his decision, it IS motivated by what he believes is best for me. It just doesn’t allow for quite the same satisfying sense of anger. 🙂


  6. GreenEyes
    December 20, 2012 at 7:12 pm

    AG, I really get where you’re coming from. I had a session with my own BN (think your BN and my BN are kindred spirits they sound SOOO similar) this morning which is the last before a 3.5 week break for Christmas and my god how I hate him for leaving me; I came very close to throwing a wobbly over the unfairness and pain the break triggers. And that inner voice telling you to not relate, its awful, awful, awful! As is the grief and longing for what you missed out and can never have. soul destroying stuff.


    • December 23, 2012 at 12:06 am

      Hi Greeneyes,
      Welcome to my blog and thanks for commenting. I’m glad that you have your own BN (as hard as I know that can get at times. :)) Ah, breaks, I used to get angry, then hurt, then, scared, then angry again. They’re really, really tough. BN was always willing to discuss my anger and hurt and make it about it. I actually once wrote him an email when he was on vacation telling him I hated his family because they got to know and be with him in a way I never did. He was totally accepting. I hope you’re able to talk about all that gets evoked in you with your BN. I hope the time goes much more quickly than you expect!


  7. Bourbon
    December 21, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    Nothing in therapy is better left unsaid. At least you got it out there so that BN can be aware of it. I’m sorry for the hurt though. I hope you are feeling a bit better about it now xx


    • December 23, 2012 at 12:09 am

      Bourbon :

      Nothing in therapy is better left unsaid.

      Ah, Bourbon, you are so right. Thank you. I am feeling a bit better, the initial hurt and anger has passed and I’m starting to process. And as I mentioned above in another comment, i emailed BN and got a great response so I know we’ll continue to talk it through until I’m at peace with it (or he’s changed his mind. Not holding my breath, I look terrible in blue :)).


  8. December 21, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    I can feel your frustration AG, it is a yucky spot to be in, when you know what BN is doing is for the best, but it sure as hell isn’t what you want at the moment. Hopefully you’re finding a little bit of calm amid the chaos. (((AG)))


  9. December 23, 2012 at 12:12 am

    Exactly!! I know he’s doing what’s best, but just once can’t we go for the “feel good” choice? But I know my sense of safety lies in knowing that he’ll choose based on my long term healing. But I don’t always like it. I’ll eventually start acting like an adult again. 🙂 Thank you for the hugs.


  10. February 22, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    Hi AG,
    I’m so glad your posts are here to come and read. I just asked my T something to which she said “No”…it would be no big deal to many people and of course I respect her boundaries but the displaced feelings I get from it all I could really do without. Just wanted to “use” your blog to express my young feelings for a moment. Thankful your blog is here to help me deal once again.


    • February 22, 2013 at 11:20 pm

      Hi Hopeful,
      I am glad tbat it helps to come here. And maybe it wouldn’t be a big deal to many people, but I know just how big a deal it can be. Running into a no from our therapist can evoke some terrible feelings, of not mattering or not being worthy. It can recall those terrible feelings of the answer always being no when it shouldn’t have been. I found that it can help to remember that my therapist’s no is about taking care of me and meeting my needs, not about rejecting me or me doing anything wrong by asking or even wanting what I asked for. I hope this passes quickly for you. xx AG


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