I hate hearing NO
Hopefully, later I’ll write a longer, more detailed post on my session yesterday as a lot of really good work got done and important things happened, but right now, I really don’t care. All the understanding in the world, of why BN needed to say no to my request, of where the pain and grief are really coming from, of just how compassionate, gentle and caring he really was aren’t doing much in the face of the fact that it hurts and I’m angry at having to watch other people ask and easily get from their therapists things BN won’t do. I don’t want to be mature and insightful, I want to throw a temper tantrum and get my way. And its making me even angrier to imagine just how understanding BN would be about all these feelings if I contacted him. At times like these, the line between the past and present gets so blurry and I don’t know who I hate more, BN or my father. My only clarity is in being reasonably sure that my father has earned it while BN has done quite the opposite. I hate what rejection evokes in me. I hate that voice saying “see, I told you not to ask, I told you that you’d only get hurt” when I know it was the right thing to do. But circling back, right and wrong don’t feel important at the moment, just that howling inside as I remember what it feels like to not be able to have what I long for. Despite my utter and complete gratitude for therapy and the healing that happens there, some days it just sucks. I think I need to be ok with just acknowledging that this is really how I feel right now.
And yes, I am pissed that BN was gently trying to warn me I’d probably feel this way yesterday. Damn know it all!
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