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The Beginning Part II

June 30, 2012 15 comments

For the beginning of this story, please see The Beginning Part I.

So when I left off, I was going to see BN alone, to tell him about my growing feelings  for him. Did I mention the insanely scared part?  I managed to explain to him that I was experiencing strong feelings of attraction that were really confusing me and told him about the articles which recommended taking these feelings to your therapist.  I shared how his understanding and accepting me were so appealing, that I felt less alone than I had in a long time. BN was amazing (I was still capable of being surprised by that at this point in our relationship :)). He told me that he thought I was very brave to come and speak to him, that he was glad I was experiencing such a strong sense of being connected and that all of my feelings, no matter what they were, were acceptable and welcome in his office. Then he reassured me that he had the boundaries and nothing inappropriate would happen so it was safe to explore these feelings. Continue Reading

Categories: acceptance, ambivalance, attachment theory, boundaries, dependence, disorganized attachment, healing, hope, needs, perserverence, safety, sexual attraction, transference Tags: , , , ,

The Beginning Part I

June 28, 2012 7 comments

NOTE: Since I’m going to be discussing couples counseling in this post, I just want to be clear in order to be fair to my husband, who has no voice here, that the problems in the marriage were complex, based on both our pasts and our reinforcing those patterns for each other. We were both, most definitely, part of the problem. I am also happy to say that we both took responsibility for our part and worked very hard to change. We just celebrated our 26th anniversary and are happier than we have ever been.

So I thought it would be good to go back to the beginning and explain how I ended up working with the Boundary Ninja.  It was not a simple, straight-forward process, but interestingly enough contained the dynamic that I most needed to see. Which after a number of years and one break in therapy, I  am finally  working through. 🙂 Therapy does not usually take the most direct path (or in my case, even an intelligible one) for long periods of time. 🙂 Continue Reading

Categories: ambivalance, attachment styles, attachment theory, Boundary Ninja, childhood sexual abuse (CSA), dependence, disorganized attachment, feelings, healing, hope, perserverence, sexual attraction, transference Tags: , , ,

Forgot How Good This Was

June 20, 2012 9 comments

I had my Ipod on “shuffle all” which I do occasionally when I can’t decide what I’m in the mood for. I have wildly eclectic taste in music (some people have implied it gives them whiplash :D) so when I do this I have no idea what will turn up. One of the reasons I like to do it. The other reason is that once in a while, something you REALLY love, but haven’t heard in a long time, pops up. That happened this morning. And it’s so good I wanted to share it. I hope you enjoy it as much I do. 🙂

Baz Luhrman’s Everyone’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

Favorite lines: “You’re not as fat as you imagine” and “you’ll miss them when they’re gone.” 🙂

Categories: encouragement, Funny, healing, hope, perserverence, self-worth Tags: ,

Shackles

June 14, 2012 16 comments

Greetings gentle readers. I have returned safely from a wonderful, refreshing vacation, but re-entry was a bit bumpy. 🙂 We brought back a stomach virus, to which I added some asthma and sinus problems, so I’m sloooooowwwwly getting back into a normal rhythm. It was really nice to be away, but it’s also really nice to be back. 🙂

I wanted to share with you an analogy about healing that I thought many people might find helpful (h/t to Blackbird as it was during a discussion with her on psychcafe that I first came up with this one :)). When I first started seeing BN, the prism through which I saw myself was one of pathology. That I had been injured and damaged by the abuse and I needed to be “fixed.” One of the greatest gifts that BN has given me (which is saying a lot as the list is quite long) was instead seeing my struggles as development gone awry. That there was nothing fundamentally “broken” or “wrong” about me. I just had not gotten what I needed or been taught what I needed to know. That anyone who had endured what I did would have similar struggles with similar issues; my reactions were reasonable, it was the circumstances that produced them that were unreasonable. Continue Reading

Categories: acceptance, ambivalance, childhood sexual abuse (CSA), encouragement, healing, hope, perserverence, self-worth, trauma Tags: , ,

Vacation and a very tired squirrel

May 30, 2012 12 comments

Greetings gentle readers,

I am presently away vacationing at Disney World with my family (both girls are home from college for the summer so we’re starting out with a traditional family trip to Disney World on which my older daughter will be celebrating her 21st birthday. We have several fun things planned, only a few of which will be embarrassing. :)) We’re having a really lovely time. My husband has been working really horrible hours, due to a refuel outage, of 14 hour days, six days a week and literally got home at 7:30 on Friday night and we left at 2 AM Saturday morning. So it’s good getting to see him for longer than 20 minutes at a time, not to mention just enjoying having everyone together. The truth is, it’s nice to be away and not be worrying about anything. And naps, naps are wonderful. 🙂 So I just wanted to let everyone know I am off recharging my batteries, so things may be a little slow around here for a bit, but I’ll be back all the better for the break.

I do want to share one funny story before I go, as in 26 years of coming to Walt Disney World, this was a first. We’re Disney Vacation club members and we’re staying at Bay Lake Towers which is part of the Contemporary resort, which is on the main monorail that goes to the Magic Kingdom. Continue Reading

Categories: Funny, healing, hope, perserverence, safety, self-worth

Diminished

May 15, 2012 6 comments

Yesterday was a very sad day. My husband called me in the morning because he had heard from a mutual friend, that our handyman, whom I’ll call Dan (not his real name), had a heart attack while training this weekend for an upcoming bike race for charity and had died. He was a very fit guy, and only 44 years old, so it was a total unexpected shock. I just kept saying “no” to my husband through most of the phone call.

We’ve known Dan over fifteen years. The friend who called to tell us of his death had recommended him years ago, just after Dan had gone out and started his own Construction company. We hired him to do some minor repairs. Dan’s specialties were carpentry and masonry and the man did dry wall like nobody’s business. He did such a great job the first time that we have just continued to hire him through the years whenever we needed work done. We sold our first home around seven years ago, because we were building a new house with an in-law apartment for my mother-in-law, and he was the one who got it into shape to sell. And he’s still who we call, when we need anything done. Or at least he was. Continue Reading

Categories: acceptance, feelings, healing, hope, love, pain Tags: ,

Erotic Transference

May 9, 2012 142 comments

Update: This post has drawn a lot of traffic in the time it has been up, leading me to believe it’s a topic that a lot of people may wish to discuss further. If you have questions about anything in this post, or questions about things not discussed in this post, please feel free to ask a question in the comments or send me the question privately at the email address in the right column. Thanks! – AG

I got a request from a reader to discuss erotic transference, so I thought I would share a few thoughts. I do want to be clear that although I have done a lot of reading about erotic transference, most of what I write here is based on my own experience and so may not be all that universal. I also think that erotic transference can be a very complex thing encompassing several different dynamics in the relationship. Our sexuality is a very powerful, integral part of us and  therefore a lot of things get played out in this area; issues around power, love, desire, longings, sensuality, self-worth, and attractiveness to list only a few. And all of these things are going to be even more highlighted in the therapeutic relationship since the therapist carries so much symbolic weight. Continue Reading

Categories: ambivalance, boundaries, Boundary Ninja, childhood sexual abuse (CSA), healing, hope, love, needs, pain, sexual attraction, transference Tags: , , ,

Why I Love the Boundary Ninja: Reason #456

May 7, 2012 5 comments

In the middle of a difficult session dealing with my stubborn fears and lack of ability to retain a sense of our connection lately, we had this exchange:

BN: It took a long time to get here. (referring to my willingness to be vulnerable and share my feelings)

AG: See, right there, that’s it. I feel like it’s taking me way too long to get through this.
Continue Reading

Categories: acceptance, earned attachment, Emotional regulation, encouragement, Funny, healing, hope Tags: ,

Bookends

April 24, 2012 10 comments

I saw BN today. The day did not start well. I was holding down a lot of terror because despite knowing better, there was a deep feeling of dread about what I would find when I walked into his office. I knew I was overreacting by being convinced that the relationship was beyond repair, but try telling that to my hamster amygdala. Which is also deaf, I believe. 🙂 And as if the terror was not enough on its own, I woke to a continuation of a difficult situation with which I have been dealing. I do not mean to be coy, dear readers, but this particular problem involves not just my privacy, which I have every right to set aside if I wish to, but also other parties for whom I cannot make that decision. So if I sound a little vague at points, you’re not imagining it.

So I drove to BN’s office in a very focused manner, as when I am feeling this scared about an upcoming session, I have this habit of overlooking a necessary highway change, the correction of which can be quite costly in terms of time. I was running a little late because I had stopped for a cup of coffee at what seemed to be the most popular drive through for a 50 mile radius judging by the line of cars. But I had been so nervous, I hadn’t really slept all that well the night before and we were out of caffeinated coffee at home. I was not going into the lion’s den unfortified, or even worse, unconscious. 🙂 So when I arrived, I headed upstairs as quickly as possible and settled in the waiting room. Continue Reading

Categories: abandonment, ambivalance, boundaries, healing, love, needs, pain, safety, self-worth, transference, trauma Tags: , , , , ,

Learning developmental skills: Identifying and Expressing needs

April 16, 2012 18 comments

This post is a continuation of a series started in But therapy can take us a long way: Learning Developmental Skills Part 1. In this post, I want to talk about learning to identify and express your needs. For most trauma victims, this is most definitely a skipped part of development. Because the caretaker is putting their own needs ahead of the child’s when abusing them, by definition the child’s needs are being overlooked and pushed aside. How do you learn to identify and express something that is not even acknowledged to exist?

A long-term trauma victim often becomes hyper-vigilant. They learn to watch their abuser and observe their behavior in minute detail in the hope of getting some warning before an episode of abuse. So they’re paying a whole lot more attention to the abuser’s feelings and needs than their own. Add to this the fact that many victims of long-term abuse believe and/or are told the abuse is their fault, so they are also watching the abuser for cues about who they need to be and what they need to do to “finally” make the abuser happy with them and stop the abuse. (This serves the function of providing some sense of control in a situation in which you are powerless and have none.) Your own feelings and needs fade to insignificance in the face of needing to survive. Continue Reading

Categories: boundaries, childhood sexual abuse (CSA), dependence, feelings, forgiveness, healing, hope, limbic resonance, needs, pain, responsibility, safety, self-worth Tags: , , , , , ,