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Hiatus


Greetings all,

I am currently facing a difficult family situation while also facing a looming deadline at work, so I will be absent for a bit. I’m not sure how long but hope it’s not longer than a few weeks. I will not be answering emails on my blog address for a bit also, so if you have written or decide to, I would very much appreciate your patience in getting a response. I need to focus my time and energy other places right now and hope everyone can understand. Take good care of yourselves and I’ll see you soon.

Categories: Uncategorized, updates
  1. October 13, 2013 at 10:43 pm

    I hope that things are as all right as possible for you and your family!

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    • October 13, 2013 at 10:45 pm

      Thanks Cat! Bit of a tough row to hoe, but we’ll get through. So sorry for not commenting on your blog lately, but have been reading. Tough stuff, I hope you find some peace around all this. xx AG

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      • October 14, 2013 at 12:56 am

        Thank you! Surely I must at some point. I would rather sooner than later, though. MB tells me that the key is actually allowing myself to fully feel the emotions that I have towards my father. Damn.

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        • October 14, 2013 at 12:40 pm

          Ah Cat, the worst part of healing is that there is no way around actually feeling the emotions. If we could figure out a way around that one, we’d be rich beyond our wildest dreams. ๐Ÿ™‚ Hang on to the fact that you already survived this; remembering may feel like it will destroy you but it will not. And hang on to MB. ((())) xx AG

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  2. Ann
    October 14, 2013 at 4:24 pm

    AG, Take as much time as you need! I never thanked you for your insightful response to me a few weeks ago! I was in a new city out West ( my husband was in meetings). I am from the East coast, so I was far from my support system. I was sitting alone, panicking in a coffee shop when I wrote you. Just doing that helped me calm down and not feel alone. Also your response made me feel understood. It tided me over until my next therapy session. My T had challenged me, not thinking that such scary emotions would erupt that week. (Both of us went out of town after the session). I have never felt so overwhelmed. He later told me it was bad timing on his part to do that before leaving town and apologized. Again, thank you! I hope your family situation is resolved quickly and easily. You are in my prayers. Also, of course no need to reply. Go easy on yourself!! Xoxo Ann

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    • October 15, 2013 at 9:50 pm

      ((Ann)) Really good to hear from you, I’d been a bit worried. Very glad the last reply helped. Not a good spot to be in when those things start erupting and you’re not contained enough. And good for your T for apologizing, I like that in a T/ ๐Ÿ™‚ Thank you for the prayers. I will be honest and confess that this situation is going to go on for much longer than I anticipated and it is proving very difficult both in a here and now sense and in managing the stuff getting triggered. But BN is being a rock and I am getting a lot of support from friends (which is keeping me sane). Don’t mean to be coy, but this involves other people whose privacy needs to be protected. xoxo AG

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  3. Ann
    October 16, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    AG, you have provided a wonderful forum for people in emotional pain. However, I think the thing that makes you so effective is your openness with your own journey. I told my psychiatrist about your blog and some of the things you write about. He later told me that what you have written has been so healthy for me. That being said, you are smart to take time off when you need to. And you owe no one an explanation at all. I am sure you and your T would be big proponants of boundaries- especially when it comes to maintaining your sanity. The Internet is not always a safe place to be vulnerable and you are not being coy, just smart. I am thankful you have a support system close to you and I hope you continue to use it! ๐Ÿ™‚ I am sure everyone who has been encouraged by your blog would agree you need to take all the time you need to take care of business. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Know what you do counts!! No need to respond. I will check in later. Xoxo Ann

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    • XXX
      October 18, 2013 at 10:19 am

      Ditto on what Ann said AG. I’m just starting to be able to take in the quote on your page “Its all gonna be ok in the end, if its not its not the end” (something like that). May God Bless you and keep you close AG, Thanks!!

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      • December 5, 2013 at 11:28 pm

        XXX,
        Thank you so much, the blessings and well wishes are very much appreciated. You all have no idea how encouraging it has been to receive these comments. xx AG

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    • December 5, 2013 at 11:31 pm

      (((Ann)))) Thank you so much for your patience, your understanding and steady encouragement. The way that you see me has truly been a gift through this struggle. I cannot say thank you enough for your steady presence and care, you have truly helped me immensely as I have been struggling through this. Your generosity is truly humbling. much love, AG

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  4. utty
    October 17, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    Take care of yourself BN!! I’ll be thinking of you.

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    • December 5, 2013 at 11:34 pm

      utty,
      Welcome to my blog! Sorry it has taken so long to welcome you. I appreciate your well wishes and thoughts. ~ AG

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  5. Ann
    October 19, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    Hope you are having a restful weekend. Just remember to trust the people who love you and have been there for the long haul! Sometimes when I “crash” I can get really cranky to those who are the most stable around me. (Like my husband, especially when I realize he isn’t perfect like me! :-)). Also, be patient with yourself and use your support system. I know you will pull through, even when you don’t think you can. How do I know? Your past successes are a good reminder. You are in my thoughts and prayers.xoxo, Ann- of course no need to reply.

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    • December 5, 2013 at 11:39 pm

      Ann,
      This was excellent advice (as always!). I have had a number of friends who have known me for a long time come alongside of me and offer support and encouragement and it makes a tremendous difference. I am truly grateful for what I have learned from BN so that I am capable of taking it in. My husband and I have both been very thankful to have each other for support through this (we take turns falling apart :)). I am truly experiencing the truth of what BN told me countless times: Pain is a part of life, but love is the answer to that pain. Thank you for being part of that answer. xx AG

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  6. Little Blond Girl
    October 23, 2013 at 8:40 am

    do take care of yourself and we’ll be here when you are back. LBG

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    • December 5, 2013 at 11:35 pm

      LBG,
      Thank you, I have really appreciated everyone being so supportive and making it clear that you would still be here. I have missed everyone. xx AG

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  7. Ann
    October 25, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    Hey, AG , Another weekend is approaching and you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. This weekend I am taking a couple of hours to go to a movie with my husband. Just a short escape from reality. Twenty years ago, I checked into a psych ward feeling so horrible- after about 3 days I was feeling worse, so my mom took my three year old for the weekend, I checked out of the hospital and my husband and I went to 5 or 6 movies in a row! Two days of pure fantasy gave me the strength to continue facing the crap life was throwing at me. Hope you can take a little time to step out of your situation and wrap your mind, body, and soul around something that nurtures you!!!! We all love you!!! Xoxo Ann ( as always, no need to respond, just know we all care.)

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  8. Ann
    November 1, 2013 at 6:46 am

    Happy Halloween! Hope the Great Pumpkin is good to you! Xo Ann

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  9. Ann
    November 7, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    The weekend is coming up. Hope you have a chance to catch your breath! Much love. Ann

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  10. Ann
    November 8, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    ๐Ÿ™‚

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  11. November 10, 2013 at 7:44 pm

    Thinking of you and sending love your way xo

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    • December 5, 2013 at 11:40 pm

      W&W,
      Thank you for the loving thoughts, as I said above, these comments have really meant so much; it truly helps to know I am not alone. xx AG

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  12. Ann
    November 11, 2013 at 6:00 pm

    Happy Veteran’s Day! We are all veterans of some kind of drama! ๐Ÿ™‚ xoxo Ann

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    • December 5, 2013 at 11:41 pm

      And you deserve a medal for service above and beyond the call of duty, my friend. ๐Ÿ™‚

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  13. XXX
    November 12, 2013 at 4:28 pm

    Thinking of you too. Hope your ok! And Ann- your so sweet, warms my heart!!

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    • December 5, 2013 at 11:42 pm

      XXX,
      Thank you, I appreciate the support so much. And totally agree with you about Ann! ๐Ÿ™‚ xx AG

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  14. Ann
    November 13, 2013 at 6:47 pm

    XXX, Thank you. I hope everyone who reads this blog keeps AG in their thoughts and prayers. She is very well informed and gives a lot of herself in her blogs. I marvel at her ability to communicate difficult concepts, but also be transparent with her struggles. Sometimes it is easy for all of us to forget there is a real live hurting person behind these blogs. Somehow, when she writes about her struggles, I feel less alone in mine. It has helped me be more vulnerable with my T, and that has helped further my progress. I’m sure I speak for everyone-THANK YOU, AG! We are looking forward to better days for you! Xoxo Ann

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  15. Ann
    November 13, 2013 at 6:50 pm

    P.S. By calling her last post “hiatus”, it makes me think of movie stars. For all we know, AG is Julia Roberts and is now off filming a new movie! ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

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    • December 5, 2013 at 11:44 pm

      Ann, you’re making me blush! And I hate to disappoint you but I am not Julia Roberts nor have I been filming a movie. LOL But its lovely even to be mistaken for her! xx AG

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  16. Still waters run deep
    November 15, 2013 at 9:28 am

    I’m new here. Stumbled across your blog the other night and haven’t been able to leave it since. Your vulnerability is probably the greatest gift you give on this site. I would imagine those of us following you are drawn to the candidness and honesty you so eloquently articulate. I know I am as it allows me to see similar experiences, thoughts, and feelings within myself. Reading your posts is giving me the courage to jump back into therapy (I finished a 6 year stint about 6 years ago). It’s time. Its also scary and fraught with the unknown. I am hugely grateful to have found you- as in a virtual way, I feel as if I have a friend to walk the same path with me. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

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    • December 5, 2013 at 11:54 pm

      Still Waters,
      I just wanted to give you a more proper welcome. Thank you so much for commenting and sharing what reading has meant for you. I truly am delighted to hear that you have gained courage from reading here and are going back to therapy. I have been in and out of therapy over the last 27 years and those breaks are important to give us a chance to assimilate what we have learned and restore ourselves to do further healing. I am very glad that you have chosen to walk with us and look forward to hearing about how it goes for you.

      I also want to say again that I thought it was wonderful that you and Ann were talking with each other (even more so as I was unavailable). I truly want this to be a place where we can share our strengths and other voices are very welcome. Feel free anytime to talk to anyone. ~ AG

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  17. Ann
    November 18, 2013 at 12:28 am

    SWRD: It is a blessing to find AG’s blog. Though I can’t speak for her, I am fairly sure she is feeling great pleasure, knowing that you are continuing on your persnal journey in healing. i have been in therapy off and on since I was about 16 or 17. I am now 56. Guess what? Yep, back in therapy. This time I am a different phase of life and my struggles have changed, but my strengths are more intact! As difficult as it can be, this time around, I am only working on reasonable personal boundaries and focusing on what I can do to heal. No wallowing or blaming-that was necessary when I was younger, but I have moved on! You may find therapy just as painful, but it won’t be boring!! I hope you find an empathic and skilled therapist as you continue your journey!! I do not have the wisdom of AG, but wanted you to know I care, (while she is sorting out her personal matters.) I promise you, if you hold on a little longer with this blog, AG will be back with even newer insights and great encouragement for us all. Good luck on your journey and check in to let us know how you are doing. Before we know it, AG will be back with all her awesomeness!!! I miss you AG. Xoxo I have you in my heart. Ann

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    • Still waters run deep
      November 18, 2013 at 10:14 pm

      Hi Ann, Thanks for your reply. I know AG is focusing on personal stuff right now but it was really nice of you to share part of your process and some words of encouragement. Tomorrow I see the therapist my husband and I have been working with. I’m going alone, at her suggestion, because the last time we were there I was pretty reactive. I am finding the work my husband and I are doing is stirring up all kinds of stuff. I’m going to tell her I am ready to dive back in for individual therapy. I really hope I find the courage that AG, yourself and others here have to be able to not just dive but to go deep.

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  18. Ann
    November 19, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    SWRD, I hope all went well today! I see my T tomorrow. I personally gain so much from individual therapy, because I can focus on my feeling and reactions to emotionally risky situations. Also I have allowed myself for the first time ever to attach to my therapist. This helps me to take emotional risks in a safe environment. Sometimes it can be confusing, but in the long run it also helps me empathize with my husband. ( I have a male therapist). It has been good for my marriage. You are in my thoughts as you go through this challenging time. We all can have hope as we learn from each other! Girlfriends (even online) are the best!!! AG, I hope you are still out there taking care of yourself. Much love! Xoxo Ann

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    • Still waters run deep
      November 19, 2013 at 11:39 pm

      Ann, Today went well. I had jotted some notes ahead of time which helped me stay on track and not forget anything too important. And I was pretty grounded today (as opposed to last week when I was more than a little on edge. We are going to proceed both individually and together with my husband (I guess similar to AG). And as the T said anything we do individually IS marriage counseling in the long run. Interesting comment you made about attaching to your T. It is something I have been thinking about and I am having a bit of a hard time doing that. Every now and then she says something that kind of throws me a little. That and I wonder if the fact she is also there for my husband means I cant really get that close to her. Of course these can just be excuses to protect myself from hurt. But I guess I will leave that to her to figure out. She has 40 years experience doing this. I just hope she doesn’t retire anytime soon. ๐Ÿ™‚ SWRD

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  19. Ann
    November 20, 2013 at 11:43 am

    SWRD, Your last comment about retirement made me laugh! When I started getting attached,I grilled my T all about his health, chances of moving and retirement! ๐Ÿ™‚ I think he likes to hike in the woods, so I worried about bears attacking him. I am finally getting over that, but at first I wanted every assurance that he wouldn’t disappear! Glad your t went well. For me, it is key to write feelings, reactions and events during the week so I don’t forget about anything I need to discuss. If my T says anything that bothers me, I write down my feelings later so I get the nerve to discuss it the next week. I find it helpful to take chances with him. Have a wonderful week and weekend. Let’s all keep AG in our thoughts and prayers! Xoxo Ann

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  20. Still waters run deep
    November 21, 2013 at 10:33 pm

    Hi Ann, you reminded me of a time when I was in therapy before. I knew my therapist lived with her boyfriend of many years and that she would on occassion travel to Philidelphia where she had lived at one time. (I live in New England). One day, I really had to use the bathroom. So, being that she worked out of her house and only had one bathroom I had to use her personal one. Well, I am sure you can imagine my anxiety when I only saw ONE TOOTHBRUSH!! I carried that angst with me for a few weeks until one session I blurted out my fears of her leaving me because she had obviously broken up with her boyfriend and she was packing her bags to move back to Philly!! Probably that very weekend no less! She assured me she wasn’t going anywhere (yes,the boyfriend was out of the picture). We continued to work together for a few more years. What I took from that was how much this woman had come to mean to me and was quite literally a lifeline for me.
    I hope things are going well for you. I feel kind of funny using AG’s blog to carry on this conversation with you but I appreciate your support. SWRD

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  21. Ann
    November 22, 2013 at 3:22 pm

    SWRD, What a great story! I agree about using AG’s site, but I somehow think she might be ok with it. I don’t even know if she is up to reading her comment section now. (At least since November 7th). I am a little worried. AG, if you are reading this, are you able to let us know if you are still here? We miss you! Even a quick hello in your comment section would be great. However if it’s too hard we understand. Maybe you can get Mr. AG to drop a sentence or two to let us know how you are. Anyway I wish everyone a great weekend and Happy Thanksgiving. If you hate holidays-just order out Chinese- mmm- maybe my guests would prefer that to my cooking! Xoxo to all and especially to AG. Love, Ann

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  22. November 22, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    Ann, sorry to worry you!!! And SWRD welcome to my blog! sorry to be slow to respond and I will respond in more detail later, I promise. Ladies, please do NOT worry a bit about having the conversation here, I think its awesome! And Ann I appreciated you responding when I was not able to.

    Things are much more stable. BN has been an absolute rock helping me to deal with my own stuff that’s gotten triggered. We have some work ahead of us, but its all looking more managable. I was getting ready to start blogging again, but normal life got in the way. ๐Ÿ™‚ My husband ended up working OT this week and I am out of town picking up a friend for a Thanksgiving visit. But I should be blogging soon and catching up on my comments, Ann, I’ll respond in more detail later but thank you for so many kind words and being a steady support and presence, you have no idea how much it has meant!! much love, AG

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  23. Ann
    November 23, 2013 at 8:23 pm

    Thank you for catching us all up!!! I am glad things are improving. Happy Thanksgiving and don’t push yourself too hard! Xoxo Ann

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  24. A
    November 28, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    I just found your blog a little over a week ago, in the midst of a giant tidal wave of emotion and overwhelming therapy stuff, and like many other visitors I haven’t been able to leave since I found it. I’m a mom and full time student, so I mostly read on my phone in bed at night and first thing in the morning, and during spare moments in between class and caring for my small kids. From the bottom of my heart, a great big THANK YOU for your beautifully written blog!

    I’ve been with my T for almost 4 years, making what I thought was decent progress, until my brain and heart were suddenly ready to go deeper – without the common courtesy of letting me know ahead of time. Suddenly it was as if all the work from last 4 years had been mere small talk. I thought I was going to die; the overwhelming dependence on, and attachment to, my T were so fierce. Thanks to your encouragement (even though you had no idea!) I was all ready to talk to her about it, and then she came down with the flu and had to cancel the morning of my regular Monday appointment. Hooooooly cow, that was difficult. I spent even more time reading your thoughts, trying to make sense of what I was feeling and trying to convince myself that she was going to call me back when she felt better. (She did.)

    Turns out I lived through it, and the fear and pain were part of the healing and growing process. She got me in two days in a row later in the week and I’m now feeling much more at peace (until the next time, at least.) It was like childbirth…I had to go through it, there was no way around it, and the prize at the end was totally worth the agony. My heart has begun opening, and I actually allowed myself to accept and enjoy a sliver of love that was given to me – it was beautiful and groundbreaking. I’m excited to see where this leads!

    Anyway, thanks so much for expressing so eloquently your experiences and feelings – I found so much comfort in learning that I’m not alone and that some of what I was going through was easily explained and happening to others.

    What the heck did people do before the internet?! I think my thoughts would have consumed me had I not been able to obsess over your blog throughout this ordeal. lol

    Seriously, many thanks. And happy Thanksgiving! I look forward to reading more once I catch up on homework and get through finals ๐Ÿ™‚
    A

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    • December 6, 2013 at 12:01 am

      Hi A,
      Welcome to my blog and thank you so much for commenting, this was incredibly encouraging to read. First off, may I say hats off to you, being a mom of small children, a full time student and going to therapy? Whew, that is one full plate. Your feelings really resonated with me, for while I had a very close relationship with my first therapist and experienced longings for her to be my mother, the much deeper intensity of my feelings for BN really caught me off guard. I loved what you said about it being like childbirth, what a great description. I am so very glad that you are experiencing this kind of support from your therapist and are able to start taking in the love you so richly deserve. I am so glad that reading her helped you to sort through these feelings and give you a sense of not being alone. I know I truly feel pretty crazy when I started feeling this stuff and finding other people who understood and having BN understand was truly priceless. I hope your finals go really well and look forward to getting to know you better. ~ AG

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  25. Ann
    November 28, 2013 at 9:12 pm

    AG-all the work you have put in your posts is standing the test of time. You continue to give, even while you are away. Your honesty and self awareness lets us know we are not alone. Happy Thanksgiving. And to A-reading your comment has been a God send to me. I still get thrown when I think all is well, then seemingly out of the blue I delve deeper and fall apart. Your experience gives a lot of us hope, because therapy is not the quick fix I would like it to be. Xo Ann

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  26. XXX
    December 4, 2013 at 11:26 am

    AG- I hope that while you are away you are reminded by everyone, and everything here that you are a very special person. You are our rock, someone we can always turn to for good solid advise, and understanding about a way of life that made no sence. Your a part of my therapy and that is huge, I will never forget you, and i’ll be here when you get back. ๐Ÿ™‚

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  27. Ann
    December 4, 2013 at 5:07 pm

    I am with XXX! AG, you are very missed! I am sure things will be a little frantic between now and the New Year! I hope you get some downtime to enjoy your family. If they get cranky, you can tell them your online family appreciates you! ๐Ÿ™‚ xo Ann

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    • December 6, 2013 at 12:04 am

      (((XXX and Ann))) You two are like a turbo-charged two woman cheering squad. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. XXX, your timing was a God-send, I was having a low moment and reading what you wrote brought me to tears, thank you for saying that. And Ann, my family would probably tell you that you need to spend more time with me. LOL But it is VERY nice to feel appreciated. xx AG

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      • xxx
        December 6, 2013 at 4:15 pm

        I just wanted to tell you I really believe every word I said!!!

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  28. xxx
    December 6, 2013 at 4:22 pm

    And Ann your awesome of course!! ๐Ÿ™‚

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