We got back today after dropping my younger daughter off at college. I am finishing up a 12 day break from work that was a complete whirlwind. I had a nerve block, did a three-day trip to NYC, a block party, dinner with friends, then a two-day trip to Western Pennsylvania. I go back to work tomorrow, which is good as I think I could use the peace and quiet. 🙂
I also see BN for the first time in a month; I have a session at 11:30 AM tomorrow. Trying to get to sleep last night, I ended up worrying about walking into his office and seeing that my heart had been taken out of the box and that BN had let it happen. I then proceeded to imagine some highly dramatic exit scenarios. Needless to say, it took a while to get to sleep.
Driving home today, I realized that my anxiety level has been ramping up. I am really terrified about tomorrow’s session. In thinking about it, I realized that I had allowed BN to morph into someone I didn’t know. Aside from an email the evening after our last session and short call the next morning, I have had no contact with him since our last session. So I thought it might be a good if I called him (I was sure he was back in the office at this point) and connected briefly, that experiencing that he was not angry or upset would help reduce the fear about seeing him tomorrow.
He called me back and opened with his usual “what’s up?” I was consciously trying to keep it brief, so I said that I was feeling really scared about our session tomorrow and just wanted to touch base with him in the hope that it would reduce the fear and maybe I could get some sleep tonight (really weak attempt at a joke). I am willing to concede I may have imagined it, but there was a brief, confused pause, then BN told me that we were fine, he knew I had some things I needed to talk to him about, but it would be fine. I told him that was all I really needed and I would see him tomorrow. He told me again we were fine and told me to take care. My recall is that he sounded a little warmer towards the end of the call (but I am SO sure I am the world’s biggest pain in the ass that I think he would sound slightly irritated to me no matter what).
After I hung up the phone, I thought back over what he said and it hit me that he had used phrases that would literally cover any situation with a client. I mean, you have things you want to talk to me about? Can anyone think of a situation that would NOT be covered by that phrase?
So it is dawning on me that I have spent the last four weeks ruminating and upset over our relationship and BN can’t even remember what is going on. Hopefully, he’ll have a chance to check his notes and get back up to speed before tomorrow.
I feel like a fucking moron and the world’s biggest fool. One of the things I have been struggling with through this break has been the fear that I have imagined the relationship to be more than it is. I have wondered if my perceptions of the depth of intimacy and caring have been more wishful thinking than a sober assessment of the truth. Despite my constant refrain of not being able to get everything you didn’t, have I have failed to truly understand that BN is my therapist, with all the limitations inherent in that relationship? This feels like confirmation.
In talking briefly to a friend about these feelings, it dawned on me that this is a pattern with me. The forming of a connection and the idealization, followed by seeing the person as who I wished them to be, rather than who they were. I can keep it up for some time, but reality eventually manages to intrude. So I am not sure if this is a massive case of transference or me finishing up another hopeless attachment circle, attempting to get that which is no longer possible to get. And it’s getting exhausting trying to hang unto believing this is just transference, because right now that belief just feels like a really effective way to set myself up for yet more hurt.
So really not feeling better about the session tomorrow. That voice in my head saying “I told you, I TOLD YOU this would happen!” is unrelentingly strident. On the upside, BN will probably get a good night’s sleep. Rat bastard.
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