So, how am I doing?


Cat’s Meow (of Living while Healing. If you haven’t read her yet, do so. She writes with incredible honesty and insight.) asked how I was doing in a comment. I started to answer her but it got so long, I decided to turn it into a post. 🙂 Thanks for asking, Cat!

I’m hanging in. 🙂 It’s been a bit tough going lately, but I am essentially sound. The situation with my family has improved, but is ongoing, and some aspects are very triggering, feeding into the deep work on shame I have been doing with BN. It’s difficult to speak of, both because shame tends to make me want to isolate, and I do not feel free to speak about the situation because of other people’s privacy concerns.

My husband has been working OT almost constantly since Thanksgiving, so I am pretty much on my own with Christmas prep, which is also keeping me very busy. Just found out this morning, he has to work this weekend, poor man. I will be doing lots and lots of wrapping. 😀

I also just hit a couple of long breaks with BN (three weeks at Thanksgiving because of the holiday and then a cancellation because he had a new grandchild) followed by two weekly appointments and now I am in a two-week break. And it truly hit me at our last session how really difficult it is for me to be away from him at Christmas. He holds such a sense of home for me, and the painful truth of our relationship being therapeutic is brought painfully home to me (sorry for the pun!) by the holiday and how strongly it evokes a longing to be home. Not to discount how very significant and real the relationship is, that’s why he is so important to me. But Christmas is not something I get to share with him and the longing to runs deep.

I went to our last session, which was on Tuesday, in a pretty triggered state. The shame was free-floating to the point that I felt like I should apologize for breathing.  At the beginning of our appointment, BN brought up the fact that he was going on a long break for Christmas and he wanted to make sure we had a secure base. This threw me, as he had told me at our previous appointment so I didn’t understand him bringing it up just as I was starting to speak of something else. I shut right down. I finally managed to tell BN that my reaction to his saying that was to feel like I shouldn’t speak, that it was too much to go into right before a break. He very gently corrected me and said that he brought it up in the beginning so it didn’t come up at the end of the session with no time to process. So I went on to speak of the shame, that I was once again feeling like I was too much, and not good enough, etc etc ad nauseum ad infinitum. BN told me for the 1,274th time that shame is an emotion that feels like a state of being (He coined a GREAT phrase which I shamelessly (ha!) told him I was going to steal: state of shithood. Tell me that doesn’t exactly describe it?). He talked about how shame interferes with the attachment mechanism, that our instinct is to turn away and how important it was that I continue to come and speak about it.  I told BN shame is the opposite of the old saying “you can’t get there from here.” With shame it’s “I can get there from anywhere.” He did this phenomenal job of describing the thought process.  So good, I told him it was like he has front row, orchestra seats to my stream of consciousness. It is a massive relief that he gets this, both in that I feel less crazy and it helps me to have a shred of hope it’s not actually true.

Later in the session, I told him that I had let myself become aware that as much as I love Christmas, it is also a difficult time of year. And I told him that one of the things that makes it difficult is being away from him. I think BN already knew this was going on, which was why he brought up the break at the beginning of the session, slightly odd behavior for him, actually. As we discussed him being gone and how I felt about it, this cry came wailing up from within me and I burst out (sounding like a four-year old) “I hate that you’re going away for Christmas.” BN very gently said, “good for you, AG. Good for you for saying you felt that way.” I told him that I didn’t think it was unreasonable for him to be with his family and he told me he knew that. But the feelings weren’t mutually exclusive. We talked about all of my strategies for hanging on to my sense of connection with him and in a wonderful moment, he said “I mean, AG, how long are our phone calls? 20 seconds?”  I laughed and said “45 seconds.” It was a relief to be able to just say it out loud, and even more so, to be heard with such acceptance.

In thinking it over, I realized that I am feeling stressed and scared because of all the shame and BN leaving is evoking some very sad, painful memories of being abandoned to deal with overwhelming feelings. But once I connected, I was also able to recognize that this is not the same thing. He’s still there. In fact, I promised a friend who is struggling about contacting their therapist, that I would call on Monday (his last day in the office) if they would call their therapist. A mutual risk society so to speak. 🙂

As I said, I have been doing a lot of really deep work around shame, but am finding it very difficult to write about. I think because I am working so hard on processing it and understanding it, that I do not yet have words to speak about it. BN keeps telling me I’ll be able to write about it, I just need to give it time. He also keeps telling me that I am handling it better now. I am skeptical about both, but decided that not trusting him now really doesn’t make a lot of sense considering our history. 🙂

So that’s how I am doing. At this point, I am just focusing on finishing the Christmas preparations and looking forward to a lovely, traditional Christmas with my husband and children. My older daughter is living in NYC now, so we are very much looking forward to having her home for a few days and having the whole family together.

If you celebrate Christmas, I wish you and yours peace and to walk in the light that shone through the darkness.  Come to think of it, if you don’t celebrate Christmas, I also wish you that.  🙂

  1. December 21, 2013 at 12:03 am

    It’s so good to hear from you! Sometimes there are things that one’s mind simply isn’t ready to write about. It’s frustrating though, isn’t it?

    It’s so hard wanting and needing that connection, but at the same understanding and wanting to respect the therapist’s needs to be with his/her own family, isn’t it? Thank goodness BN is good at boundaries, so if he says that your phone calls are OK with him, you can be safe in knowing that he really means it.

    I am envious (actually very happy for you) that you are at the point where you can really enjoy Christmas. I’m not there, I’m afraid. It’s definitely a grit my teeth and get through it holiday, which is a shame with a child in the house. Well, I’ll do my best to find as much joy in it as I can- we are travel to the West Coast to stay with my husband’s family.

    Wishing you and your family a warm and joyous Christmas.

    Like

    • December 23, 2013 at 2:47 pm

      (((Cat))) The day will come; in the meantime, please give yourself credit that your child will have no struggle with Christmas being a time of joy, which is a real gift. I hope you find peace in midst of all that is going on. xx AG

      Like

  2. Still waters run deep
    December 21, 2013 at 2:52 am

    “A mutual risk society” , I love it!! Where do I sign up?! 🙂
    I also have a two week break to get through. And actually that was a self imposed break as I canceled an appointment for next week because of family obligations. As I lay here unable to sleep at 2:30 in the morning processing my visit with my T yesterday, I am very much regretting that decision!! WHAT WAS I THINKING? Nothing like setting myself up for increased anxiety for the next several days as if there wasn’t enough already. 😦

    Like

    • December 23, 2013 at 2:51 pm

      SWRD,
      Take comfort in knowing that you are not the only person to have ever done this! My favorite? “Things are going better, let’s go two weeks.” followed by “I am ceritfiably insane” a day or two later. Sorry! Hope the break passes more quickly than you expect.

      The Mutual Risk Society proved very useful. The other person called before I did, and when I hesitated today, I realized I couldn’t back out now. 🙂 And then had a wonderful, warm 40 second phone call with BN.

      Like

  3. liz
    December 21, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    Happy Christmas!
    (and that is all for today)

    Like

    • December 23, 2013 at 2:52 pm

      Liz,
      Wonderful to hear from you! I hope you are keeping well. Thank you and Buon Natale e Felice Anno Nuovo! xx AG

      Like

  4. Ann
    December 21, 2013 at 6:36 pm

    AG, I think you are so brave!!! And BN does seems highly attuned and accepting of all your emotions! You make a good team! I love that he congratulated you for expressing your sadness over missing him over Christmas. I am considering having my T read this interaction to help him understand I don’t want him to return the sentiment of missing him, but for him to acknowledge that expressing it is not a bad thing! Maybe that will help our own impasse. Don’t push yourself to share anything with us until you feel safe and ready. I suspect many of our experiences will be reflected by your own! Merry Christmas! Xoxo Ann

    Like

    • December 23, 2013 at 2:56 pm

      Ann,
      It’s not bravery my dear, just a lot of good experience built up (ok, maybe a teeny bit of bravery. Sorry working on taking compliments. 🙂 ) And yes, you are correct BN is highly attuned (I think he realized I was feeling this a week before I said it) and unbelievably accepting of my feelings. It’s seriously unreal sometimes. Please feel free to take anything I write at any time to your T if you think it will help! Merry Christmas, Ann, I hope you come out the other side of this soon! xx AG

      Like

  5. Elsewhere
    December 22, 2013 at 3:52 am

    Hi, Just found your blog (all the way from Amsterdam, Holland, so pardon my imperfect English). Question: does it ever bother you that you BN doesn’t need you like you need him? I find the absence of reciprocity so hurtfull even if I do understand how it works. The fact that I think of my Th. all the time and she doesn’t think of me apart from her workperspective, makes it almost imbearable to need her so much. (btw, I think she’s a great therapist and has a warm heart).
    Will be reading up on your posts, it’s the first blog that seem to ‘get it’, so thanks
    Elsewhere

    Like

    • December 23, 2013 at 3:03 pm

      Elsewhere,
      Welcome to my blog, I am glad you found your way here. First, congratulations on your English, I would never had known it was a second language if you had not said (the education system in Belgium must be excellent, you are the second person from there that speaks flawless English. Which is a good thing since my Dutch (and French and German) is non-existent! So thank you!) Does it ever bother me? Does the sun rise in the East? 🙂 I have found it terribly painful and have discussed it many times with BN. As you catch up on my posts, you’ll hear a lot about it. But as painful as it can be, I realize that a lot of the pain is the losses being evoked from my childhood. I have also had a front seat to many disasters that have resulted from a therapist not holding good boundaries. The client is almost inevitably hurt or traumatized. So as deeply as I can hate the boundaries (which is pretty deep, let me tell you!) I am also grateful for them and BN’s ability to hold them. I’m looking forward to getting to know you better, thanks for taking the time to comment. ~ AG

      Like

      • Elsewhere
        December 23, 2013 at 3:09 pm

        Yup, the sun does rise in the east, but Amsterdam, Holland is NOT the same as Belgium 🙂 Plus we are very sensitive about that 🙂 ! We might be a very small country, we do exist on Google Maps, so that’s proof.
        Thanks for taking the time to respond to my questions – I will spend my holidays catching up on your posts.
        Have a great X-mas!
        Elsewhere

        Like

        • December 23, 2013 at 3:11 pm

          Elsewhere my deepest apologies for getting that wrong!!! Brain dead moment as you said Amsterdam, Holland and I know Amsterdam is in Holland. Sorry, so overwhelmed by your command of English, that my geography flew out of my head! I hope you have a great Christmas also! AG

          Like

  6. Little Blond Girl
    December 23, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    Merry Christmas AG. It’s a hard time of year and feel like cocooning, but wanted to at least say Merry Christmas. Hope you enjoy time with family and friends. LBG

    Like

    • December 23, 2013 at 3:05 pm

      Merry Christmas LBG. Thanks for poking out of your cocoon. I hope the season brings you some joy as well as being hard! xx AG

      Like

  7. Elsewhere
    December 23, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    Attachment Girl :
    Elsewhere my deepest apologies for getting that wrong!!! Brain dead moment as you said Amsterdam, Holland and I know Amsterdam is in Holland. Sorry, so overwhelmed by your command of English, that my geography flew out of my head! I hope you have a great Christmas also! AG

    I thought this might as well be the moment to start stating my boundaries clearly… 🙂 🙂

    Like

  8. Ann
    December 23, 2013 at 9:57 pm

    AG, It’s Christmas! No more nerd talk! And no more apologizing this week. Let us all rejoice this week as we are fearfully and wonderfully made-including saggy boobs, stretch marks, big feet, chin hairs, fat bellies and fill in the——. It is all beautiful to our God! Since He is pleased with us we need to love ourselves too. (We are His creation). I wish everyone peace and comfort this season, no matter the roadblocks before you. This blog helps us reflect our beauty to each other. And holding onto that gift of love will bring great joy to our souls despite the roadblocks in your lives! Happy Holidays xoxo Ann

    Like

    • December 31, 2013 at 5:18 pm

      Amen sister! 😀 I hope you, and everyone who celebrates, had a wonderful holiday!

      Like

  9. Marijke
    December 24, 2013 at 8:08 am

    Hey AG, and elsewhere,

    You almost started a riot here! Thought I just might pop in with a contribution as I am the – so far – silent party concerned. And yes, we Belgians and Dutch are sensitive about being different, but in the most loving and civilized way, might I add. It’s been at least 180 years since we last had a war :).
    Elsewhere, glad you’re joining the ranks of AG’s fan club in the low countries! And you know, the educational system in BOTH our countries is excellent, only we score better in international comparisons. And our food is better…:). But the Netherlands are WAY ahead of us when it comes to international well being research. You know Dutch children come out as THE happiest in the whole world! Now you tell me what’s more important.
    About you initial comment, I’m taking the liberty to repeat what AG’s already said above… DO read as much as you can on this blog. AG’s reflections on boundaries, needs and healing are so clarifying, warm and healing, I cherish the day I stumble upon this blog ((just take the compliment AG, savor it even)) You spend the holidays reading up on them, I’m spending some of my holidays in … Holland.

    Hugggs

    Like

    • Elsewhere
      December 24, 2013 at 8:54 am

      Wow, that’s so funny! We’ll take our countries’ rivalry in a separate room some time, to fight it out, but I do agree: your Vlaamse Friet is to die for… great to meet you too,

      Like

      • Mallard
        January 8, 2014 at 4:21 pm

        Elsewhere and Marijke, I once committed the faux pas of buying a Dutch football shirt in a Belgian sports shop, much to the disgust of the shop assistant! 😉 To be fair, we were pretty close to the border and the Dutch shirt was on special offer!

        I live for stroopwafels and kriek. I make sure I stock up when I am on your side of the channel 🙂

        Like

        • Elsewhere
          January 8, 2014 at 4:50 pm

          😉 if the need for stroopwafels is getting so big it interferes with daily functioning, let me know, and I’ll send some over!
          Elsewhere

          Like

        • January 9, 2014 at 11:54 am

          I have no idea what “stroopwafels and kriek” are but from the way you are all speaking of them, I feel like I should find out! 😀 (Marijke, thank you for what you said about my writing. I need a blushing emoticon. 🙂 )

          Like

  10. December 30, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    I like stuff like this, am linking over here. Happy New Year, Ninja.

    Like

    • December 31, 2013 at 7:36 pm

      therapydoc,
      Thank you so much!! You were one of the first therapy blogs I ever read and I have learned so much from you. I am truly honored you would add me to your blog roll, you’ve made my week!

      Like

  11. Anna
    January 5, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    AG, You should know that you are my first therapy blog that I have found helpful and now follow. I don’t think any of your posts have gone not understood by me. I relish in knowing you and your other followers have similar issues to me and that I am not alone….I finally understand people’s attraction to blogs!!!!

    So, that said, my therapist too went away for the holidays and I didn’t see him for two weeks. I was so nervous about this as I usually see him twice a week and I count down the days already – how could I possibly go 14 days!!!??? Note, I have had the most intense painful transference experience with this therapist. He is also a boundary ninja – just the best, most caring therapist who I think truly loves me….as a person…as I think he is one of those rare people who really loves everyone….doesn’t just talk about it. He has also made it very clear that the rules around therapy is that we can’t have a relationship/friendship outside of therapy – otherwise the therapy doesn’t work. I know he’s right,,,, and I hate it. :))

    Anyway…..I talked to him about making a couple of appointments with another therapist who I had seen for couples therapy and after a bit of discussion he thought it was a good idea. As the time of his departure got closer, I started to feel like I was being left with a babysitter!!! I am 42 years old by the way!! It made me crazy. I think my real feelings for him come from a need to be loved unconditionally by a parent figure….someone to care about my needs………that took me a long time to realize……since I never had needs……(note: that was sarcastic if itwasn’t obvious).

    So, the craziest thing is that while he was gone, I was just fine. I had a fabulous, relaxing holiday with my little family. Then the day before I was going to see him again, my whole world came crashing down on me. It was like, I turned him off completely, turned my therapy mind off completetly, turned a part of me off completely for two weeks and buried myself in Christmas, my kids, my house……and now with him back I have to turn it all back on again. I feel the little kid sadness all coming back. AAAAGGGGHHHH!!! I think it is so interesting that I was able to do that when I have been unable to do that before.

    Am curious if anyone else has experienced this type of separation anxiety.

    Happy New Years all!!!
    Anna

    Like

    • January 8, 2014 at 9:58 pm

      Hi Anna,
      Ann (who consistently underestimates her own wisdom and insight 🙂 ) gave you a very good answer. And yes, that kind of separation anxiety is very common for some people, even more so people with disorganized attachment. When you have not experienced a secure attachment, or a dependable one, it’s exactly as Ann said, you do not learn to trust that the connection is still intact or that you can trust the person to return or that they will be the same person when they do return. So separation is fraught with peril (or feels like it is!). We have to learn that someone can go away and come back and we still are with them. If you haven’t read it yet, my post I carry you in heart talks about my struggle with learning to trust the connection. That said, depending on what is going on with me and the triggers I am dealing with, I can still struggle with breaks and have to work hard to manage the anxiety.

      I also wonder if there isn’t a safety factor operating here. We do not allow ourselves to express or acknowledge feelings that threaten to overwhelm us, which is often the case with unprocessed emotions from childhood. Our therapists provide the safety and containment that allows us to start expressing those feelings. So when he goes away, you put them away. When he got back, it was safe again to acknowledge those feelings. I know they don’t feel good (if they did, you wouldn’t have put them away in the first place) but feeling them and even more importantly expressing them to your therapist and being understood is a good thing, because that’s how you heal.

      And thank you for what you said about my blog, I am very happy to know that the community here is helping you. ~ AG

      Like

  12. Ann
    January 6, 2014 at 10:42 pm

    Anna- I have experienced the same type of separation issues. It’s like I feel sad when I leave, but after a little while I am ok. When my next session rolls around, I am ok until after I see him. I am also the kind of person who has a hard time transitioning emotionally. In the past, when I moved to a new city, I would immediately disconnect from old friends (emotionally). It’s like I couldn’t tolerate the split. However if I saw an old friend again, I could quickly reattach. I think it is related to a concept called, “object constancy”. This is a development stage (around18 months-2 years old) where a child learns when a ball roll behind a sofa it hasn’t really disappeared. Once they master this stage they will know to look behind the sofa and will see the ball. Sometimes in childhood we don’t receive adequate parenting and miss out on this stage. I think it effects the way we tolerate separation from significant figures. (Husband, friends, parents). For me it would express itself in a very painful way. If my husband was out of town, I grieved as if he were dead. I have now learned ways to compensate.
    Therapy is such an intense emotionally loaded time. You have an hour to process all your fears and pain with an empathic person, then-“Times Up!” and you have to immediately disengage until next time. I. Find the process very disorienting! AG would probably encourage you to discuss it with your T and hopefully help you regain your equilibrium! I am sure AG will have much wiser word for you. But until then you just have my 2 cents worth! 🙂 Welcome to the post! You are not alone. Have a restful night! Xoxo Ann

    Like

  13. January 8, 2014 at 2:07 am

    ((AG)) Just wanted to come out of hiding for a few minutes and say “Hello!”. My life is incredibly insane right now so I haven’t been able to comment but I wanted to let you know that I continue to read your blog. Every. Single. Word. It means so much to me.

    Happy New Year,
    DBS

    Like

    • January 9, 2014 at 11:49 am

      (((DPS))) Thanks for popping in, its always good to hear from you. Sorry life is incredibly insane, but I do know what that’s like, so do NOT worry about commenting. On the upside, I have been feeling badly about not being able to write more, but at least now I know I am giving you less to do. 😀 (Thank you for what you said, it really meant a lot to me. I joke because I’m terrible at just taking a compliment. ) Happy New Year, I hope your’s starts to calm down quickly. xx AG

      Like

  14. Marijke
    January 10, 2014 at 2:49 am

    Darlings, if you’re ever on this side of the Atlantic/North Sea/border, I will be honored to organize a gastronomical feast fitting the queens you all are!
    Meanwhile, please keep me amused with this sort of lighthearted exchanges as I am studying painfully for a rather difficult exam at university and this is not only very demanding on my (ever decreasing) brain cells but also bringing up loads of emotional stuff associated with my – disastrous – academic history. Hallelujah for my T though, she’s being THE transferential mom through all this that I never had being a student first time ’round. And this time, I’m also a mother, would-be plumber (unblocked the sink yesterday), zoo-keeper (who do you think cleans out the rabbit cage?) and professional coach (my wife went through a tough selection procedure very recently and got the job – thank heavens!) AND I have to get myself in employee mode every day between 9 and 5. Oh yeah, it gets even better: tomorrow and the day after I have two days of T training with the topic: ‘The Hurt Child’. Life doesn’t get much better than this ! Big hugs to you all!

    Like

    • Elsewhere
      January 10, 2014 at 3:31 am

      … just the one rabbit? I’ve got four! … 😉 Good luck with all the studying.

      Like

  15. Mallard
    January 12, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    Elsewhere, that is very generous!

    AG, stroopwafels are circular waffles from the Netherlands made from two thin layers of baked dough with a caramel/syrup filling in the middle. They are more crunchy/chewy in texture rather than the soft waffles you can get in the states. Closer to a cookie than a pancake. Kriek is Belgian lambic beer with made with cherry juice added. Lambic beer is acidic so the cherry really offsets it brilliantly, at least I think so.

    Good luck in your exam Marijke! I am glad your T is able to hold the position of transferential mum for you. I am very reliant on my T’s support currently as I wade through my own study!

    Like

    • January 14, 2014 at 11:38 pm

      Mallard,
      Those sound so amazing that I think I am glad they are out of reach! 😀

      Like

  16. Ann
    January 13, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    Mallard, I have a question for you. I was in Amsterdam several years ago and loved the food. However, what is up with dipping French fries in mayonnaise? 🙂 I understand a lot of Europeans hate root beer. (especially my Italian friends). Also when I studied in the former Soviet Union, I was told putting ice in tea would give me stomach cancer! Obviously I love to learn about various cultural differences and misconceptions (we all have them, but I love to learn). One thing I am seeing on AG’s blog is that empathy is international and needs no explanation !! Thanks AG for making the world a little smaller! Xo Ann

    Like

    • Marijke
      January 14, 2014 at 4:00 am

      Hi Ann,

      Are you kidding, fries (which are Belgian btw) with mayonnaise are heaven! That is THE traditional way of eating them in Belgium and it’s divine. Root beer doesn’t really compare to kriek, it’s complicated to explain but Wikipedia has a very good page about it.
      Anyway, all this is making me hungry!
      And here here Ann for your comment to AG for making the world a little smaller. That is such a precious gift, AG, offering people a sense of being heard and understood and with that a sense of belonging, wherever they find themselves on this globe. I’ve still not figured out where I belong, still looking for that quiet place where I can really just be, but places like these are precious as resting places for a tired wanderer.
      Thanks AG, and everyone else here offering their wisdom and understanding.

      Love,

      Marijke

      Like

      • January 14, 2014 at 11:41 pm

        (((Marijke))) I love you my dear and have so much respect for your courage, insight and commitment to healing. But God intended French Fries to be eaten with ketchup!! LOL Mayo is for BLT’s and potato salad, maybe ham sandwiches. (Of course, I’ve never tried it, so maybe I should do so first before writing it off… 😀 )

        Like

  17. Ann
    January 14, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    Marijke, “I’ve still not figured out where I belong”- this statement probably is true for most of AG’s readers!!! I guess this feeling is part of life’s journey. I don’t think the answer is a location, but found in connecting with like-minded people. (Often these people will not be found in your family 🙂 ! ) Just a couple close friends can help me feel I “belong”- whatever that means. Also I feel a sense of belonging in having an authentic, empathic encounter with another person. (Not found in large crowds!) I personally find your responses delightful! Hope your week goes well! Thanks again to AG for providing such a safe place! Xo Ann

    Like

    • January 14, 2014 at 11:46 pm

      Ann
      I very much agree that finding the place we belong is part of life’s journey. And in our case, first we have to find the safety in which to find out who we are so we have some kind of chance to figure out where we belong. But its important to remember that there is a lot of joy and beauty in the journey which strengthens us to face the pain and hard work of healing. I also agree that Marijke’s responses, as are yours, are delightful. And you are welcome but I cannot take all the credit. An important part of why this is a safe place is that you are all open and honest and vulnerable and committed to healing. It is an honor to know you all and a privilege to provide a place for you to speak. xx AG

      Like

  18. Ann
    January 15, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    🙂

    Like

    • Marijke
      January 15, 2014 at 3:59 pm

      While writing about this ‘place’ where I could belong, I knew really, ‘where’ that is. For me it’s in the silence inside, that ultimate quiet place where you know who you are, and therefore what you need. And there is no fear, no judgment, but acceptance and courage and compassion and love. Pain and struggle and this never ceasing unrest which is also part of healing, often seems to stop me from finding this quiet inside. I got a glimpse of it though, during yesterday’s session with T. And understood (again) that to reach such a ‘place’, I need to reach out and connect. It was so powerful. I’ve been struggling with painful stuff since the ‘hurt child’ weekend and yesterday morning had a particularly powerful moment revealing a deep ancient hurt. We worked on that during the session. At some point, from very deep down, amidst deep sobbing, this came up: “I hate you (,mom)!” and I was less shocked than relieved and not even surprised really. Anyway, T ‘swaddled’ me after that. I lay down on the matrass and she put pillows all around me, under my arms and legs and neck. I hugged my teddy bear (first time I brought it with me!) and she just let me be, but staying close by. That’s when I was ‘there’. It’s a state of deep connection, inside and out and of deep relaxation too, which is very difficult for me.
      I agree Ann, that belonging means being with kindred spirits, probably because they reflect our true ‘quiet’ selves to us.
      I’m blessed to have found my T, and this ‘place’ where so many kindred spirits wander 🙂
      Big hugs to you guys, Developmental Psychology part one awaits, or bed, I’m exhausted.

      Marijke

      Like

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