Home > acceptance, ambivalance, feelings, safety > Love is the Answer Addendum

Love is the Answer Addendum


I woke up this morning after staying up late last night to finish the Love is the Answer post. Writing the post took me back through the feelings evoked and I woke up feeling drained and sad. Even as I finished the post, something felt a little “off.” In thinking through what was going on this morning, I realized that what I said in the post and the conclusions I came to are the truth as I see it. I meant everything I wrote, but sometimes when trying to distill the meaning from the confusion of experience, things get missed or overlooked in order for the arc of writing to follow a true path, so that the truth you are groping after can be expressed.

It is important to me that I am honest with you, dear readers. I have spent too much of my life not being honest and had to work too hard to learn how, to not exercise it now. And the last thing I would want to do is add to anyone’s burden by making them wonder why they are struggling so hard when someone else, dealing with the same issues, seems so “clear” about what is going on. Please don’t ever think that. My journey has been long and messy, it has wandered and circled, there have been blind spots, and cul de sacs, nuclear powered defense mechanisms, and lovingly nurtured periods of denial.

So in that spirit, I want to add that I am very sad today. I am still sad that I cannot be more to BN and hold a more important part in his life, even while I am truly, deeply grateful for what I do have with him. I believe, deeply, what I say about the boundaries and their necessity, but that does not protect me from feeling the pain when my longings are thwarted by them. I am also still grieving for what happened to me. No child should have to experience the kind of riptide of emotion that I did in seeking care. Nor should I have been taught to be so deeply ashamed of who I was and what I wanted. Sometimes I avoid speaking of the grief because I no longer want to be grieving. Sometimes it can feel like I have spent a lifetime doing so.

But it’s important to speak about the grief and the sadness and the anger alongside the hope and the joy and the healing.  I know how long I clung to a picture of healing as finding the place that would allow me to leave behind pain, grief and sadness. I would finally be safe and loved and never hurt again. But it doesn’t exist (which is another sadness, in and of itself.) But there is a strength and safety in accepting that grief, sadness and pain will come, but will not overcome my sense of self. There is a consistent “I” having these feelings. And this “I” that I am, is strong enough to experience those feelings and let them flow through me to make room for joy, and growth, healing, happiness and laughter. And then, in turn, those will give way again, life being what is, to pain, grief and sadness.

So it’s really ok that I am sad today, it’s ok that I’m feeling a little weary and it’s ok that I’m missing BN. I could call or email him, but right now it feels right for me to sit with these feelings. They’re being quiet and well-behaved, all things considered. 🙂 And they won’t stay forever, so there’s no need to bar the gates and make them fight to get in. A lesson I still struggle to remember at times, and wanted to share with you.

  1. Starrynights
    March 22, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    I can really relate to this. I miss my T so much between sessions, even as I drive away from my appointment that just concluded, and I both dread and appreciate his firmly-held boundaries. I use music to soothemy soul, or perhaps it’s to torment myself further; I think both at times. My “attachment songs” have gotten me through many a painful week.

    I can also really relate to what you said in the beginning about wanting to be honest, not always having been so. Same here – I think I’m still learning what honesty really is, especially with myself.

    Thank you so much for sharing your journey openly and honestly. May you find many reasons to smile today,
    Starry

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    • March 22, 2012 at 9:04 pm

      Starrynights,
      (May I ask, is your username based on Van Gogh’s painting? It’s one of my husbands’ favorites :)) Missing them can be so strange can’t it? I mean, we only see them 50 minutes a week but can miss them so much in between. I do want to encourage you that I carry a much stronger sense of connection and BN’s presence with me now, as you work with your T and the relationship deepens, you also build a stronger sense of stability when you’re away. But I will also confess that I emailed BN last night just to say I missed him and he reminded me of something both true and important: it’s ok to miss someone you’re attached to.

      AG

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      • Starrynights
        March 25, 2012 at 1:43 am

        🙂
        Yes, “Starrynights” comes from the Van Gogh painting! I love art in general, but I also love looking up at the stars each night. They give me a sense of stability and peace, and they’re so beautiful. 🙂

        Thank you for the encouragement – I really need to feel that strong, consistent connection, but it’s fleeting at times, and idk how to make it better/more consistent. I’m remaining hopeful. 😉

        Starry

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  2. March 29, 2012 at 1:55 am

    So often i have that same feeling – I no longer want to be grieving. I want to be healed, somehow cured. But then I remember that all I have been through makes me who I am, and maybe it’s just time for that next “Tupperware” to come off the “shelf.” Thank you for sharing you.

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    • April 17, 2012 at 11:42 am

      KMW,
      My apologies for taking so long to respond,I’ve been a bit knocked about lately and crawled into a cave for a bit. It’s good to know I am not the only one who tires of grieving. I actually got quite peeved, to the point of almost yelling, at both BN and my husband, because I am the only “messy” one in the room. 🙂 But I very much agree that our experiences are part of who we are, no matter what they are, and should be owned, and if necessary, grieved. I hope opening your next “Tupperware” went well.

      AG

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