Commitment


This is poem/dialog I wrote when I really started to trust the Boundary Ninja to not abandon me and see me through my healing (a promise which he kept). When I started working with him, I both craved and deeply feared moving closer in relationship.  This dialog was actually an attempt to articulate the limbic resonance between us, the unspoken questions I asked with my feelings, and the unspoken answers he provided with his consistency. It was also an internal recognition of the priceless gift I was being given.

I have to go a long way but I cannot go alone
will you come with me?
Yes
I’m not sure how far we’re going
I know
I’m not sure what we’ll meet along the way
I know
But I suspect they’ll be danger and darkness and fear
I know
Pain and grief
I know
I don’t know how long it will take
I know
Or if I can finish
I know
I won’t always be nice
I know
Or reasonable
I know
Sometimes I’ll get angry with you
I know
But it won’t really be your fault
I know
I may go in circles a lot
I know
You’ll really stay with me?
Yes
You won’t leave me part way?
No
I can’t do this unless I know you’ll stay
I know
I will have to lean on you so much as we go
I know
Sometimes I won’t recognize you
I know
Sometimes I’ll think you’re someone else
I know
I’m not really sure which way to go
We’ll figure it out together
How do we start?
Tell me how you feel.
I don’t know
That’s how we start
Why would you do this for me, not knowing the cost, the commitment that I ask of you?
You’ll understand when we reach the end of the journey.

  1. Raven
    October 7, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    This eloquently sums up exactly how my therapeutic journey is unfolding. When capable of standing back, the purity of the relationship takes my breath away. However, I am mostly embroiled in the mire of doubt, self-loathing, mistrust and fear… And, as an aside, so much of what you’ve written in the past has helped me persevere with therapy. Thank you.

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    • October 7, 2011 at 3:00 pm

      Raven, thanks so much, I’m glad that it resonated with you. And hang in there, eventually the mire dries up and recedes, and your left with the breath-taking purity. AG

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  2. True North
    October 8, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    Okay…that made me laugh and cry. The part where you ask “you won’t leave me part way?” made me cry because I was left part way. That was oldT’s doing. But the end made me laugh a little because it is so like my current T. And that sort of gives me hope. I’m really trying to believe that he won’t leave me part way. Intellectual me knows he won’t but that little kid keeps saying “watch out he could just disappear like everyone else”. I love your dialog and this entire blog. Thank you for being the trailblazer for us. Hugs, TN

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  3. True North
    October 8, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    In re-reading this I now realize you described “the process”. That’s it. And the reason why you were in safe hands with Boundary Ninja and I’m in safe hands with my T is that they both trust and understand “the process”. If you don’t mind I’d like to share it with him. He would so totally “get” it. Thanks. True North

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  4. October 8, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    TN,
    I am so glad this touched you so much, thanks for letting me know. And of course you can share this with your T, I am honored that you would want to. I had forgotten about this and found it the other evening. I was actually surprised how well it tracked the arc of the whole relationship. Thank you for all the encouragement (both pre- and post-blog :))

    AG

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  5. feeling911
    October 9, 2011 at 4:35 am

    I’m having a sleepless night and found your blog. I love your poem even though it’s made me cry because it’s so true. I’ve been in therapy for a very long time, having struggled for what seems like forever with dissociation and anxiety, and now I’m on the edge of whatever it is (not sure but know I have to be here, painful and scary though it is) and can’t sleep because I’m scared to death I’ll be left all alone to find my own way in the dark (just like always). So hard . . .

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    • October 10, 2011 at 5:56 pm

      Feeling911, Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m glad that the poem resonated with you, although not that it made you cry. It also took me a very long time to heal (25 years and two therapists) and I know it gets dark, scary and exhausting at times. It sounds like you may be on the verge of a breakthrough and that is bringing back the feelings of abandonment and fear you knew then. Please try to hang onto the fact that you have already survived it and although they may feel horrible, your feelings cannot destroy you. There is another side to this despair.

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      • feeling911
        October 12, 2011 at 10:42 pm

        Thanks AG. Intellectually, I know everything you say is true but the feeling part of it all is so hard, you know? I’m in year 13 and have come out the other side of disassociation. I’m nothing if not relentless so I will “hang on” as you say and see the other side of the despair. Words of encouragement are always helpful tho so thanks!

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