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Away for a bit
Just wanted to let everyone know that another situation has arisen that will prevent me from being on the blog, or answering correspondence or comments. My apologies to everyone who has commented recently that I have been unable to respond. It will more than likely be several weeks. Thanks so much and take good care of yourselves. ~ AG
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Tales of a Boundary Ninja 
Hope you are okay.
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Ill pray for you…you pray for me!!!! 🙂
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Hoping everything is okay. I think you know we all feel very close to you.
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sounds worrying. reach out if we can help
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I hope all is okay. At least ish! take care xx
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Take very good care of yourself.
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AG, I hope you are taking care of yourself! You are in our thoughts and prayers. Remember, genius must take a vacation at least some of the time!! Take your time and let us know if we can help. You are always welcome to e-mail me privately if you need support! Xoxoxo Ann
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Take care, AG. You’ll be in my thoughts.
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Thank you all so much, it truly helps to know I have people who care, Please do not worry, I am fine and safe and have support, its just another of those things I do not wish to discuss in public, but there is a need to shift my focus and energy in such way that its difficult to also keep up with other things at the moment (adding to this is the fact that work has also been ramping up because of heading in a full release and I was starting to work OT. ) I’ll be around as time and energy permit, but knew it might be long enough that I didn’t want to just disappear. Thank you all again, sorry to not respond individually, but know I am reading and being comforted by each and every one of you (including those who are just reading!) xx AG
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Best wishes to you AG! Take care!
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Hi AG this is my first reply to your blog, although I’ve been lurking for a few weeks. I just wanted to thank you so very much for your blog – you have put into words exactly my very long term struggles with attachment and the therapeutic relationship – until I stumbled across your blog I felt like I was a pathological freak. But reading everything you write and how you manage to put it into words in such an accepting way, it’s really helped me have the courage to talk to my T and faintly – after a total of 20 years in therapy (with different Ts) I am for the first time talking about (or even acknowledging!) the issues of transference. I can thank YOU for that. Every other description I’ve read about transference is either lacking in explanation, or it’s written in textbooks about BPD that really really makes the client sound like a pathological, manipulative, stalker that the T needs to be very wary about. Just reading those accounts left me feeling very damaged – and then your blog puts it all in perspective. Thank you, AG, really thank you.
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Eliza,
Welcome to my blog and thank you for commenting. My apologies for taking so long to reply. I was very glad that Ann stepped in to reply in my absence. 🙂 I so appreciate you taking the time to express how my writings have affected you, it is such an encouragement to me to continue writing. And while I am not ready to step back out in a major way yet, I have been reading Psychcafe and am glad that you are finding that helpful. I also appreciate the many times you have mentioned my writing there, thank you. And it’s no problem to post links, I do it all the time. 🙂 ~ AG
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Eliza, I wanted to acknowledge everything you have said about AG! Even with a MA in psychology, I have never encountered anyone who has shared their experience of transference in a way that most people can relate to and not feel psycho. I personally believe that people experience transference feelings not only with therapists, but with other significant people throughout life. AG has normalized the experience in a way that allows others to explore their own intense emotions connected to therapy. IMO, these feelings of love, anger, dependence etc. are normal part of life. However, the various ways people express these emotions behaviorally are where things can get sticky! Transference becomes problematic when it leads to stalking behaviors, crossing physical boundaries with the therapist, or developing psychotic delusions about the therapist. I don’t think many people distinguish between thoughts (or feelings) and “acting out” behavior. This is where AG stands head and shoulders above most therapists or patients. I am glad “lurkers” are coming on here to let AG know that she does make a difference!!! I miss her when she is gone, but am glad she takes time away to deal with her “real life”. Eliza, I am sure she is still reading responses and must take great pleasure in seeing how she has helped you! I welcome you to the site and am thrilled AG has been helpful. Xoxo Ann
AG, Hope your situation improves! Take time to smell the roses! Xoxo
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Hey AG–just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking about you. Take good care.
LJB
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AG, You are not forgotten! Hope things are coming together for you. Maybe it is time for a trip to Paris. Lose yourself in all the food, culture, and gorgeous men.:-) Tell your husband you will look, not touch! Stay well. Xoxo Ann
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Happy weekend to everyone! We all miss and love AG!!! Ann
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I wish everyone a Happy Father’s Day week end!!!
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Hope all is well AG!
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Thinking of you!!!
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Can anyone recommend somewhere to go to find snow this month? The Southland is sweltering and it’s not good for my mental health!!!! 🙂 Happy Weekend to all!
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LBJm, rakku and XXX, thanks so much for popping in, its nice to know, and very heart warming, to know I am cared for. Things have resolved considerably and are in a much better place, and I am starting to regain some sense of having resources available. OTOH I am now working a six day work week so time is a premium. 🙂 But I am hoping to get something up on the blog soon. I miss it!
Ann, I can’t promise snow, but you might want to consider a visit to Syracuse, we’re having delightful weather in the 70s and low 80s, crisp and clear and its cooling off at night which makes for great sleep. Syracuse summers almost make it worth enduring the winters. 🙂
AG
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So glad things are going well!! Ann xoxo
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AAAAAHHHHHHHH AG my t is on vacation, and my life is 110% Disaster Zone!!! Please pray for me. I don’t get to see her till like 10th trying not to freak cause I cant look in her eyes and get that peace. You know??
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XXX, I am not sure when AG gets back, but I want to let you know that I can empathize! Now when my T goes on vacation, I have an extra session to talk about it and he lets me select a trinket from his table to hold onto while he is gone. He also gives me the name of a person in his practice that he trusts, if I need to talk. All of these safety nets help ground me when he leaves and as a result, I usually don’t even use them. Do you have any tokens or rituals you do when your T is gone? You are in my prayers, because I know how unsettling it can be to to have my T gone. (and I hate that he knows I am that dependent!) Summer can be an unsettling time for all of us because that’s when they all leave town. However, I try to remember without taking personal breaks, our T’s would burn out and be no good for us! Be patient with yourself, and know you have “virtual” buddies that share in your struggles. Xoxo Ann AG, We miss you, but even blog writers need breaks. 🙂
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Ann,
I miss all of you too! Thank you for your understanding and support. xx AG
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Hi Ann,
I wanted to come out if hiding to at least let you know that I am thankful to you for responding to me!!! I does help to know that even though I cant look you in the face you are still here for me as well. I’m just so avoidant. But I’m working on it. As far as transitional objects go hahaha Does it count that her son works with me in the summers so when I see his car at work I know she is safe and sound? Its great and difficult at the same time he looks like her….
But Thank You for your support!!
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(((XXX))) I know how tough these absences can be. There was a period of years where the last session before vacation and two sessions after (one to deal with my anger over his leaving and one to deal with the feelings of abandonment which were evoked) were dedicated to handling his absence. If you think of this developmentally, we need to learn that our connections are secure when we are away from people we love and value. Think of the difference between leaving a two year old and leaving a sixteen year old. if we did not have ‘good enough’ parenting and secure attachment then we never had a chance to learn this lesson. So we need the repeated experience of having someone leave, but also having it be ok to express our fear and anger and whatever other feelings get evoked about their leaving and then have them come back and experience that the relationship is still intact. You are feeling a need for proximity to your attachment figure. It’s normal, natural and literally biologically hardwired. Are you allowed any outside contact when your T is on vacation? or do you have a transistional object (something of theirs you can hang on to) both can be helpful in getting through their absences. Hang in!! xx AG
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Hi AG
Thank you for your words, I agree with Ann you have a way with words!!!! Its just like walking thru hell and yea I cant even cry about it cause I’ve got some safety issues. It just gets internalized still so I’m trying to not talk to myself like I’m a piece of ish on the inside. And no I don’t have a transitional object other than her son works with me in the summer so at least if I see his car at work I know she is safe. And he looks like her!!!! AAAAHHHH And no see does not talk to me outside of sessions cause the boundaries are hard for both of us, But I can text her and at least I know she see how I feel she doesn’t shame me for an occasional message. Maybe Ill tell her happy 4th. Thank you for your support I’m soooooooo happy to have a place like this to come to. It really means a lot even though our boundaries suck too!!!
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XXX
Glad it helped. This is really tough stuff when we are working through the terrible fears before we can actually carry the sense of connection intact. Do you journal? I find it helpful from two points of view. I like to record when things go really well and I feel really connected so that when I get scared and lose my sense of the connection and go back and remember there was a time when I felt it, even if I don’t feel it right now and that holds out the promise of feeling it again in the future. And journaling while my T is away helps me to track what the absence is evoking for me so I can take it back to therapy when he gets back. And sometimes just the act of writing out my feelings can help me gain insight into what is going on. As much as I can hate BN’s vacations, I have learned some really important things while away from him. Hope that’s still true, I’m just starting a five week break (he’s taking a longer than usual summer vacation this year) and have 34 more days to go! Eeek! At least we can all keep each other company. xx AG
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AG, You explain things so elegantly! Have a good week! Ann xoxo
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XXX, AG helps me understand why I feel like I do when I panic. From a young age separation was so hard for me! It was like that person (parents, spouse) was dead. I tried to develop some coping skills to help anticipate their return. I am a huge reader, it’s my drug of choice! 🙂 When my parents would go on a five day trip, I would buy five magazines that I enjoy. I would then read one each day (saving my favorite magazine for the last day). Each time I read a magazine, it represented one day closer to them coming home. Also I was moving towards reading a better magazine each day, until they returned.
I was shocked that when I restarted therapy 3 years ago, I started to develop this same attachment to my T. When he went out of town I started experiencing the same devastating emotions that I felt when I was younger. Of course, I found this so embarrassing! At first I would indirectly hint how hard it was to skip a session. Eventually I had to be straight forward (because my T is a man and needs things spelled out! :-)). So now before he goes on vacation, we discuss ways for me to cope. I still don’t know if he realizes how shameful that dependency feels for me, but he acts like it is not a big deal which lessens my feelings of shame.
AG’s blog has helped me realize I am not a freak to feel this way. It kind of gives me permission to use whatever tools I can to help my anxiety. The last time he left, my T let me choose something from his office to hold onto until he returned. I also donated the money that would have gone to therapy to a worthy cause. I thought ahead and listed the resources, rituals and activities that keep me grounded to lessen my fear that he will disappear forever. I guess I will never know why I have this problem, but I no longer judge myself over it. Instead, I allow myself to embrace my insecurities in order to find ways to keep them from overwhelming me. Experiencing this with a T can be good, because they can help you chose positive coping behaviors and manage the boundaries if they need to. A Happy 4th to all. Xoxo Ann
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Ann,
What an incredible sign of growth that you can treat yourself with compassion and understand that your needs are legitimate and deserve to be taken care of. And no, I refuse to take credit for that. 🙂 You may be finding support here (and not nearly as much as you give! 🙂 ) but you are doing the hard work of healing. I am honored to have been a part of it, but must say you are doing awesome work! Happy 4th! (with apologies to our British cousins. But considering we’ve made it through two world wars, all is forgiven right? 🙂 ) xx AG
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Hey I hope you don’t mind me joining in on this topic…
I can really identify with what everyone has wrote… I had a counselling session yesterday and it was really difficult but good. I huge chunk of repressed memories arose and now I am trying to intergrate into my life. The thing is I can’t get my T out of my head.. I want him to hold me and tell me all will be ok. I am terrified of him leaving, dying or sending me away.. I feel crazy when I am in this space.. I find the time between each session unbearable sometimes.. I am heading in to work so that will be a distraction… I just miss him so much..
Thanks for listening…
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DG,
Always feel free to join in, that’s what we’re here for! You’re not crazy. You risked being vulnerable and moving closer to your T (and it turned out well even though it proved difficult) but the part of you that has experienced danger in close relationships is now on hyper alert looking for the “blow” you know will inevitably fall. The truth is that your T is safe, and is not leaving nor will he send you away, but the fear is so understandable. It is based on very real experiences. We have to do a kind of intricate dance of moving towards, then pulling away in fear, then moving back in to heal from these kinds of injuries. BN calls it the hellish bind. The very thing we need to do to heal is to do the very thing that everything within us is screaming is the most dangerous thing to do. And processing repressed memories is draining and difficult and of course you want the safety and security of being closer to your T. That’s actually a healthy impulse (although painful I know because of the boundaries). The unfulfilled desires of childhood and the pain from them can be evoked both by our therapist’s care and their boundaries. It does eventually get easier. ~ AG
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I am so pleased I found this blog! I’ve wanted to chat to other people in long term therapy for so long! I am shocked that the usual anxiety forums etc seem to have so few people undertaking this kind of therapy. I know its not for everyone and I admit, if I’d known what rough ride I was in for (and not the magic ‘fix’ I thought I was going to get) I perhaps would not have gone down this route. But I’m glad I did because facing our pain is the only way to peace. But omg, what pain it is. I hope AG is back soon and all is ok. Look forward to chatting to some of you xx
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Hi Pop,
Welcome to my blog and thank you for commenting. I truly understand the need to find other people who get what its like to be in long term therapy. People who have never done so, or needed to (much rarer imho 🙂 ) have a really hard time understanding how painful and difficult it can be, as well as how important a place it can occupy in your life. You have come to the right place to find fellow travelers. You are also not alone in wondering what you got yourself into. 🙂 But you’re way ahead of the game by realizing that facing our pain is the path to peace. That has been very true for me. I am in the beginning of a five week break right now, and the ever perceptive Ann is correct that I’ll be back soon. I am working on a post on getting through our T’s absences. So we’re glad that you’re here. You may also want to check out Psych cafe, a support forum for people in therapy. A lot of members have been in long term therapy, and its a good place to discuss your experiences and get feedback from other people who have been there and/or are struggling with the same things. Looking forward to getting to know you. ~ AG
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Pop, Welcome to the site. I have found it very inspirational. I suspect AG may be back soon. Until then, I recommend you look at some of her older posts. They are a wealth of information. Right now I think AG’ s example of taking a breather reminds me we all need to allow ourselves that option at times. It is easy for us to guilt ourselves into thinking we don’t deserve to take time away to recharge. As much as I hate when my T takes breaks, it also reminds me that we all need to find ways to “rest” from our own difficult journeys as well as the demands of others. Right now I am going to “disappear” into my book and ignore all the noise in my head, 🙂 Happy Sunday to all xoxo. And AG, great to see you popping in to check on all us chickadees.
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Ann,
I think you’re really the mother hen, keeping an eye on everyone while I am away. 🙂 I truly appreciate it, as I know it can be scary the first time you leave a comment and the worst part of me taking a break is my extended reply times (which aren’t all that good when I am around 🙂 ). Thank you for being so encouraging about my breaks, as I can struggle with feeling guilty. Along with just missing the interaction. In any case, as I mentioned in my previous reply, you’re spot on in my being back soon. I am working on a post. 🙂 Although I woke up this morning feeling a bit like a truck hit me, I think I have a head cold coming on, so it might be a few more days, depending on the fuzziness factor. 🙂 See ya’ soon though. xx AG
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AG, I wish I could sympathize with your head cold, but anything with the word “cold” in it makes me jealous! 🙂 I hate our heat! Take good care of yourself and happy week to everyone. Xoxo
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Hi. Hope you are all well. Having a bad day here 😦
I was wondering how long you lovely people had been in therapy for, if you don’t mind me asking? Breakdown is breakthrough, I am assured by therapist but after 8 years, I worry I am no further down the line. Its so hard to believe that pain like this can be progress. I am overwhelmed by need for my T that it feels so scary. The tiny, scared helpless baby is where we start rebuild from, but it is a horrible place to be. Anyone relate?
Xx
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Its horrible and beautiful at the same time, therapy is such a paradox, and its not the way things are supposed to be. We were supposed to be loved and cherished so we can love and cherish ourselves but that didn’t happen and it didn’t happen for a loooong time. So when your finally old enough and brave enough to realize this is not how everyone lives the hurt gets in deep. And then the whys and what if pop up. But we are doing the best we can with what we have been given. My T is a gift from God to tell me he sees me, he looks in my eyes through her and tells me he is here. Love, compassion, warmth, and fun exist when I am with her. With her I am learning or should I say at this point just soaking it up as much of her calmness and love as I possibly can. Its hard to leave, even when I know I am coming back!! The little kid inside is infuriated, but is not about her, its me. I hate my parents for making me so venerable that they would literally let me walk around this earth begging to be loved. When your so used to begging for love its hard to stop so much anxiety. Maybe we are on a railroad track and the train was going 90 miles and hour backwards. Thru therapy we have to pull the breaks, stop the train, and then be brave and to learn how to get that damn train to move forwards. Its a life long journey of healing from a mortal wound honestly I don’t even know how I survived that period of my life and thank you God for giving me a physical presence of love in my life. I am soooo sorry you can relate, and I hurt deeply everyday too. She is the rock in my life. And if people don’t understand then good for them cause I guess that means they have never been hurt the way we have been hurt or they cant admit it. Your very brave for living your life, and working to fill your needs for 8 or 80 years. May God Bless you and keep you close!!!!
(Been 2 years for me but feels like I may be putting a 0 behind it at some point Haha)
Hey AG I learned most of this from you!!!!!! You rock!!!
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Pop, I am 57 years old and first started therapy at 17. Off and on I have needed a safety net since then. I don’t know how old you are, but my long experience, though painful, also offers hope. Despite all my emotional pain, I am living a full life (though at times, painful). I have been married for 30 years, raised a wonderful son, received two MAs, worked on a cruise ship, lived in NYC. etc. This is not to toot my own horn, but to say, with support, you can have a full life. I promise you. I have been in a hospital psych ward twice and once in an out-patient program. I have been a cutter. I have many times engaged in therapy. I have been on meds since 1993. I have learned that my husband can not and should not be my therapist(I leave that to the professionals!). I have had three male cousins commit suicide. That scared me, so I wanted to show my son that if he “inherited” my issues, that he could choose to live a good life.
I wish that when I had my first break-down, my psychiatrist had told me this could happen again. I thought after therapy at 18 I was “fixed”. But to my chagrin, I crashed again at 22 ( I became suicidal and very self-destructive) and I thought I was a worthless failure for becoming depressed again. With time and experience, I have learned new coping skills, I have a therapist who is there when I crash and meds that help lessen the emotional pain. I have learned that I am not crazy! I guess I want to say that we all suffer at some point in life, some more than others. I pray you don’t let your pain and emotional issues fully define you. Your feelings are precious and can be acknowledged without judgement. You are worth the time and money to continue to take small steps towards health. The hard work you are doing now will continue to pay off as you get stronger. It takes time to develop the internal resources to cope with emotional pain.
I thought I was alone and the only” weak” person in the world! Now I know so many people who deal with mental and emotional anguish. Some hide it well (I use to), but it eventually wears them down. They eventually self-medicate with drugs/alcohol, have random soul numbing sex, gamble, compulsively shop, lash out at others or even worse, commit suicide. Then there are those of us who seek help. We learn this is not a weakness or character flaw. We learn to trust ourselves and our value. We learn healthy habits and how to parent better than we were parented. We many continue to “fall” and feel like we are back at square one, but we are not. We get stronger each time we recover. Most of all we learn that we are not alone, but that many others share in our suffering. I am so sorry that you are experiencing all the pain, frustration and confusion that is involved with therapy. But as long as you keep at it, you will be a hero to me and many others. Keep coming back to know you are not alone.
When AG returns, she always has something useful to share. She would be the first to admit that she still struggles. She still has to take breaks to recover from the crap life throws at her. Her gift is her honesty and transparency. I love her blog because she doesn’t offer magical solutions, but she helps put into words the pain we feel. She makes us feel less alone and more “normal”, whatever that is! I hope everyone has a great weekend!!!
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Thanks Ann and XXX. Great to hear your stories. You both sound like very brave people! Im just at such a difficult place in therapy – I’ve finally come to realise that these past hurts can’t be undone and that the only way forward is to face the pain. That that very pain is mine, what I have been hiding from and that my healing lies in recovering it and the feelings that go with it. I can’t fix it, its in the past. Heaven knows I’ve spent a long time trying to fix this crap and it just can’t be done. BUT it is in the past. It just feels so very real and now.
Xxx
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Hi Pop,
Sorry to take so long to reply but see that Ann and XXX have covered for me very well. 🙂 (Thanks guys!!). My story is similar to Ann’s, I went to therapy at the age of 25 for some obvious family issues (Dad was an alcoholic) and ended up doing about four bouts of therapy over a period of 22+ years with my first therapist. ( I would take a break for a year or two here and there). It wasn’t until my second bout of therapy that I recovered the repressed memories of the sexual abuse (took me that long to feel safe enough to remember I think) and I have been seeing my present therapist for seven years. The combination of disorganized attachment and long-term childhood abuse leave you with a lot of healing to do. The issues are very deep seated, and you tend to heal in a helix, going around and around hitting the same issues but digging deeper everytime. Then as you heal and start to live a fuller life, you bump up against more stuff and back you go. Although I will also confess that I am fascinated by this stuff (hence this blog) and have come to accept that I function better with therapy, so I’m not really looking to leave. I mean eventually, my T will retire or one of us will die, but I think it may have to come to that. 🙂 It takes as long as it takes and often the slower you go, the faster you heal. The nature of trauma is that it comes at us too fast, so taking your time when you’re healing is healing in itself because you learn to attend to yourself and listen to your needs in a way that you weren’t taught to do.
You are at a crucial point in your therapy (and frankly got there a LOT faster than I did) where you are recognizing that the pain can’t be fixed. These are real losses, which need to be grieved and mourned (and raged over or anything else you’re feeling about them) until you don’t need to do that anymore. And I know the pain is breathtaking.
Traumatic memories are stored in a different part of our brain because they were not processed and understood in the way our experience usually is (intense stress kicks the hippocampus offline whose function it is to do this processing) so when we start to remember, they come back with an immediacy we do not associate with memories. You are not remembering the pain, you are experiencing the unprocessed feelings. It is probably one of the most difficult things you will do to face this pain (BN once told me that he saw me as terrified as he though a human being could be and still be sane) BUT as you process the losses, then lose their power and you can put them in the past where they belong. Which frees up all the energy you were using to hold them down and to avoid situations that might trigger those feelings. And as you heal, you gain more strength with which to heal. I think facing this pain is a very personal decision and not one I would presume to make for someone else, but I did find it worth it.
There are two posts I think you might find helpful if you haven’t read them yet. How do I fill the Void and the Lake Loop Trail.
~ AG
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AG that post was like music to my ears. To know that it is possible to feel the terror and come back to a good place. Every time I survive it I feel stronger then bam – it hits me again. I’ve had episodes like this throughout my life but this time is different. In a horrific way but somewhere deep down I know that like a roller coaster ride from hell, if I can grip on tightly and make it to the end it will be worth it. You describe the healing process so well, about the energy spent trying and trying and just trying so damn hard to control other people and your own feelings. When we truly feel our helplessness we somehow open ourselves up to living alongside our pain until it starts to fade and we are living in the present moment. Well, this is what I hope – these are just flashes of hope that I feel amidst the turmoil.
Thank you everyone, I am so so pleased I found this blog xxx
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Those other posts are great AG. I read a few other posts this morning, when I couldn’t sleep due to anxiety. I can’t remember which post it was but you mentioned you recently unearthed some real primitive abandonment fears. This is where I’m at. Sitting with those terrifying feelings and not running from them is surely the hardest thing anyone can do. At least it feels that way to me! It feels as though to sit with and accept is to surrender to feeling this way forever and we will never feel better again. But then it comes back to how we’ve built up so much armour to avoid them – we’ve been trying for so long to run from that we never get to see we can survive by doing nothing. I’ve always been driven in my life to do something, anything to keep it at bay. I don’t want to be afraid any more so I am no longer running.
Xx
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Pop, Something that has come up recently for me is how well I hide the intensity of my pain. After about 2&1/2 years of therapy (this go round), my therapisf recently admitted that he didn’t recognize how deeply I was suffering. All this time I thought it was obvious, but I am so good at dissociating from a scary situation, that I can fool even good Ts with acting present and calm. I did not realize that I do that, so my hard stuff is just being challenged. I am working hard on just staying present. The reason I mention that is your last comment so well describes my inner turmoil. So don’t assume your T can see it. Now some Ts are more intuitive and some patients are more transparent. However, if you have developed strong defenses, sometimes a a T can miss the underlying struggle. This may not be your situation, but something to keep in mind! Happy Sunday to all!
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Hi Ann
Yes I have hidden how scared I am in the past, as if it would somehow make it worse if I was to show it (v anxious parents) but in recent months I have expressed this. I’m pretty sure my T sees exactly how much I’m suffering. I’ve done a LOT of crying and asking for reassurance
Xx
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