Tales of a Boundary Ninja

When I read the title I thought you didn’t know whether to call your mom for her birthday or not, and I was thinking “Well, of course she should try and talk to her!”, but then the post took a different turn (and, to be completely honest, I read it twice and I still don’t get what the real point is).
So, at the risk of sounding pretentious and/or horrible, I will say that I think (or at least this is the impression I got while reading your post) this situation still bothers you a lot and your brain is trying to shift the whole thing on your therapeutic relationship, which is safe, and on BN, who’s not going anywhere (and your brain probably knows that too), instead of trying to make a decision about what you really want to do with your mother. Even if what you really want to do is (very legitimally) end your relationship once and for all.

(And now, before really coming off as a horrible person, I will also say that I had similar – not exactly the same, though: I recognize your situation must really be tough to be in – problems with my mother, and I felt abandoned and I blamed her for a bunch of stuff and I moved three times in a span of two years, even to another country at some point, to try and put a distance between us, and it didn’t feel better at all until I actually, and reluctantly, came back and confronted her and explained why exactly I wanted distance; it took a lot of crying and feeling angry and many many therapy sessions during which I was forced to try and put myself in her shoes, and I am not sure it worked, ’cause I am actually still struggling with this and falling back into old patterns on a regular basis. But still, there are healthier ways to part. Especially because, and this comes from my direct experience, parents die, at some point, and huge unresolved issues keep lingering around for years sucking up energy and turning life into a wonderful never-ending guilt trip, and it’s not worth it, I think :-D)

I may have just said some inappropriate stuff, in which case I apologize and you’re free to erase my comment.
(But still, I don’t think you put up this blog, or started seeing BN, to get back-patting sympathy all of the time, and I probably woke up feeling argumentative today :-D)

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Oh AG, I am very sad for you. I have just begun to face the fact that my mother’s denial about my dad’s negligence is a lost cause. Part of me thinks that our parent’s generation were never given either the permission or the tools to deal with their own pain or the pain they inflict (directly or indirectly) on their children. Denial has been their only defense. My father was a very negligent parent and put me in situations where my brothers and I were unprotected from preditors. At one place I was hurt when I was 8, but “knew” not to tell and interrupt my parent’s image of a perfect world.
Recently I mentioned to my mom that I had been “touched” by a stranger as a child. Her reaction was to ask me when and where. Then she said, “Can’t you just get over it?”
I was shocked at her total lack of interest or empathy. A few months later, the subject came up and she acted as if I had never told her. A few weeks ago, we were visiting and for the third time I said something about dad being negligent when we were young, and she asked, “But no one ever touched you have they??” Ahhhh! I wanted to scream, but just said yes I was. My mother has never expressed any concern or sadness about her 8 year old daughter being touched by a stranger. AG, I guess my story shows how for some people, “self-preservation” and the need to preserve their fantasy about their spouse and marriage, like our mothers, are so entrenched in their psyche that they lose the ability to empathize and support their hurting children. People like us can not fathom not comforting and helping our children through hard things, no matter the cost to us. My mother will never accept that our father often put us in unsafe situations, because we were an inconvenience. My mom was so overwhelmed, she closed her eyes to it. I have learned through therapy that I am neither crazy or unlovable. I have learned that I missed out on some key parenting, which horribly distorts my view of self and the world. Most of all, I sadly realize my parents do not “get it” and never will. I try to focus on what I do get from both my husband and my therapist. I realize some people never even get that much. I also have to disagree on one point with Liz. I have been told by many that it gets much easier after a parent’s death. AG, you have written a lot about boundaries and that has helped me. I am not responsible for how my parents see me. I am not responsible for their happiness. The only thing I can do is try and be a better parent than they were. And it is not too late to start. This way you bring honor to your parent’s memory by breaking the pattern. I would image your mother’s denial is not about you. She probably wants to maintain a certain fantasy about the family and your pain threatens that, just as my pain threatens my mother’s world. She also doesn’t want to have her image as a “good mother” questioned. In her world, your pain is a threat to her self-image as a protective mother. As always, I encourage you to open yourself to both your therapist and husband for support. They clearly see what a jewel you are and will reflect it back to you! Meanwhile, I wish only good things for you as you deal with this u fathomable creature called “mother-daughter”relationships! Remember,we love you!!! Ann

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“Can a woman forget her nursing child And have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you. 16″Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; Your walls are continually before Me.…Isaiah 49

My dear Aglet, this is ouchy, ouchy stuff. Its unthinkable that your own mother should treat you this way. She is undoubedly protecting herself from the deep pain of metanoia, but- unfortunately she will be miserable until she can go through that type of repentance. And its not stuff that you can grieve and move on at some point from…because your mum is still alive, and as long as she is alive the hope that she will repent and reconcile with you will remain, and closure can’t happen. Its like an open wound that won’t heal. But I will offer this, for you to take or leave- its a good hope. Its a good pain. Your suffering is not in vain, keeping your heart open to the hope of reconciliation in pain like this will bear much good fruit! Its good you have the BN to help. and you do not need to be humiliated for needing another person to help you through the kind of pain and sorrow you are dealing with. Why wouldn’t? That’s not the kind of thing that its good to carry alone.

Much love,

Blackbird

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And Blackbird, I hope you never fly away from us! 🙂 Ann

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AG, if you don’t mind sharing, what exactly helped you recognize that BN was totally comfortable with your relationship with him? It sounds like you are in a new place in therapy and I am so happy for you! Xo

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